Saturday, July 17, 2004
Grief, final chapter: closure
The funeral went better than expected, primarily because the coffin was closed until the end; at that point, all bets were off, but people were understanding and comforting, and my grief, which was apparently far beyond anyone else's, caused me to be seen later on as the one who had the final say as to which personal items the "lesser relatives" could take-more in that in a minute.
My loved one looked so lifelike that my mind kept fooling me into thinking that I was seeing her breathing and her face changing expressions slightly-that was sort of creepy. Despite that, I managed to choke out my final words and goodbyes, and I garnered great approval from everyone by having thought to bring pics of her beloved pets to put in the coffin with her.
The reading of the will went better than expected also, primarily because most of the relatives hadn't bothered to keep in any real contact with her and so were stunned to be getting anything-none of them had the gall to protest that some of us got more. Those few of us with "most favored relatives" status got inheritances about 5 times as large as those unworthies did; this amounted to about 5 years' worth of income for my husband and I, which is an amazing final gift from a lady who already gave us so much in so many ways.
The final phase was the parceling out of her personal possessions; the "lesser relatives" must all have modest circumstances, based on their eagerness to snatch up old furniture and appliances. I made sure and got those things that had been promised to me out of the way, and then fielded requests from them, and a couple of friends, as to what was reasonable for them to take; everyone was assuming that I was the final authority, based, I suppose, on my level of grief, the amount of $ my husband and I got, and the fact that I'd been personally promised some nice things. I pretty much gave the nod to everything except a couple of inquiries about things that were meant for me; luckily, there were no fights over who wanted what. At the end, everyone was thanking me and telling me how kind and gracious I'd been; that's a fitting end to the handling of my dear one's affairs, I think, even if it did benefit folks who didn't deserve it.
I'll continue to grieve for my dearly departed for some time, but this is the last mention I intend to make of it; the funeral provided me with acceptance of her death, and closure, as it was meant to, and now I can go back to focusing on living the sort of good life she would have wanted for me.
My loved one looked so lifelike that my mind kept fooling me into thinking that I was seeing her breathing and her face changing expressions slightly-that was sort of creepy. Despite that, I managed to choke out my final words and goodbyes, and I garnered great approval from everyone by having thought to bring pics of her beloved pets to put in the coffin with her.
The reading of the will went better than expected also, primarily because most of the relatives hadn't bothered to keep in any real contact with her and so were stunned to be getting anything-none of them had the gall to protest that some of us got more. Those few of us with "most favored relatives" status got inheritances about 5 times as large as those unworthies did; this amounted to about 5 years' worth of income for my husband and I, which is an amazing final gift from a lady who already gave us so much in so many ways.
The final phase was the parceling out of her personal possessions; the "lesser relatives" must all have modest circumstances, based on their eagerness to snatch up old furniture and appliances. I made sure and got those things that had been promised to me out of the way, and then fielded requests from them, and a couple of friends, as to what was reasonable for them to take; everyone was assuming that I was the final authority, based, I suppose, on my level of grief, the amount of $ my husband and I got, and the fact that I'd been personally promised some nice things. I pretty much gave the nod to everything except a couple of inquiries about things that were meant for me; luckily, there were no fights over who wanted what. At the end, everyone was thanking me and telling me how kind and gracious I'd been; that's a fitting end to the handling of my dear one's affairs, I think, even if it did benefit folks who didn't deserve it.
I'll continue to grieve for my dearly departed for some time, but this is the last mention I intend to make of it; the funeral provided me with acceptance of her death, and closure, as it was meant to, and now I can go back to focusing on living the sort of good life she would have wanted for me.
Friday, July 16, 2004
Grief, chapter two: the dread
I'm in my hotel room on my laptop, reeling with exhaustion and facing having to get up at the crack of dawn, sleepwalking over to talk to the minister who's conducting the funeral service and tell him about our dearly departed so that he has something to say about her, and... and... soon after, be faced with her corpse.
I've only ever seen a dead person once before, and nearly fell to pieces from the shock, the ugliness of the shell of cold flesh that once contained a precious soul; this has nothing to do with the actual appearance of the body, as they really DO look peaceful and as if they're just sleeping, and are made up enough to achieve a doll-like prettiness, but an ugliness picked up by senses other than sight.
The corpse, the service, and then something with the potential to be far worse; the reading of the will. Our loved one was quite well-off, and we're part of a slew of relatives who'll sit there like vultures waiting to feed off of her death... and, like vultures, human beings are often eager to grab all they can, to take more than their share, and to fight those that they perceive as trying to take some of what they see as theirs. I have no idea how her estate has been divided, and I don't know most of those who stand to inherit, so I can't judge how people will behave; I HATE this sort of thing, hate anything like a zero-sum game where anything I get has to be taken from someone else's portion... I wish they'd just send us a check for whatever she wanted us to have so that we can avoid being involved in this meeting that has the potential to be ugly.
I'm dreading the coming day.
I've only ever seen a dead person once before, and nearly fell to pieces from the shock, the ugliness of the shell of cold flesh that once contained a precious soul; this has nothing to do with the actual appearance of the body, as they really DO look peaceful and as if they're just sleeping, and are made up enough to achieve a doll-like prettiness, but an ugliness picked up by senses other than sight.
The corpse, the service, and then something with the potential to be far worse; the reading of the will. Our loved one was quite well-off, and we're part of a slew of relatives who'll sit there like vultures waiting to feed off of her death... and, like vultures, human beings are often eager to grab all they can, to take more than their share, and to fight those that they perceive as trying to take some of what they see as theirs. I have no idea how her estate has been divided, and I don't know most of those who stand to inherit, so I can't judge how people will behave; I HATE this sort of thing, hate anything like a zero-sum game where anything I get has to be taken from someone else's portion... I wish they'd just send us a check for whatever she wanted us to have so that we can avoid being involved in this meeting that has the potential to be ugly.
I'm dreading the coming day.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
An odd bit of history
We tend to think of couture designers as frivolous folks, making elaborate clothes that wealthy women will wear once... and that's often true, but I found an interesting exception in the July issue of Vogue, in their article about Gaultier taking over at Hermes. As part of the history of the company, they revealed that the grandson of the founder made a fateful discovery on a trip to Canada after the turn of the century; "something called the lightning fastener, which was then used to close protective horse covers. He obtained the patent and started to use what we now call the zipper to close bags and garments."
I think it shows a certain degree of genius to see something being used on a horse and envision it as a superior new way to dress humans; I'm glad to know who I have to thank for not being stuck with button-fly jeans.
I think it shows a certain degree of genius to see something being used on a horse and envision it as a superior new way to dress humans; I'm glad to know who I have to thank for not being stuck with button-fly jeans.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
A reminder of love in a time of grief
Today, I saw a fairly cute movie, "America's Sweethearts," and, for all my exhaustion and stress, I was paying enough attention to be brought up short by a line that was said by a woman to her sister as a description of how much her estranged husband loved her; she said that he was the one "who used to sing 'Yellow Submarine' at the top of his lungs just to make you laugh, and who'd save the mango out of his fruit salad for you."
Change the name of the song, and the specific food involved, and that's a description of my husband.
This provided me with a much-needed good feeling, and made me ponder the difference between romantic gestures, which are done as a means to an end, and the sorts of little things that people do for each other out of love, in the automatic, selfless way that we do things for friends or children. We've all heard the phrase "little things mean alot" a million times, and it's TRUE, because, although romantic gestures lend themselves to being planned, and to being used to achieve a goal, little things that DON'T lead to the doer getting sex or other rewards are a sign that the doer is acting out of pure love.
Speaking as a woman whose husband has never really had almond chicken because he puts all his almonds on MY plate, I have an all new appreciation of that old saying... and, speaking as a student of karma, I have to wonder at the timing of my getting the idea to write the essay about the hollowness of romantic gestures right before I saw this movie...
Change the name of the song, and the specific food involved, and that's a description of my husband.
This provided me with a much-needed good feeling, and made me ponder the difference between romantic gestures, which are done as a means to an end, and the sorts of little things that people do for each other out of love, in the automatic, selfless way that we do things for friends or children. We've all heard the phrase "little things mean alot" a million times, and it's TRUE, because, although romantic gestures lend themselves to being planned, and to being used to achieve a goal, little things that DON'T lead to the doer getting sex or other rewards are a sign that the doer is acting out of pure love.
Speaking as a woman whose husband has never really had almond chicken because he puts all his almonds on MY plate, I have an all new appreciation of that old saying... and, speaking as a student of karma, I have to wonder at the timing of my getting the idea to write the essay about the hollowness of romantic gestures right before I saw this movie...
Grief, chapter one: the death
Those of you who've been reading here for a while will remember my posts at the end of May about an elderly loved one that we discovered had been given just a few months to live; after several days of being comatose with nonfunctioning kidneys, she passed away in her sleep today.
If you've lost a loved one, you know what this feels like; if not, nothing can describe the pain. Despite being absolutely shattered, we still have to scramble to get decisions and plans made, and to make the long trip for her funeral and the reading of the will; the next few days will be surreal at best.
The funeral: looking at a corpse, seeing the sweet face that had smiled at us so many times turned into a lifeless shell, touching the little hand that will be as cold and hard as marble.
The reading of the will: we have no idea what she's left us, aside from a few family and personal items that she told us she wanted us to have... I hope that however her assets have been divided, there won't be any arguments or bad feelings among the inheritors.
We've lost one of the people we loved most in the world, and instead of having her, we're going to have... money. There's something obscene about receiving benefits from someone's death, despite the fact that it's a natural and normal progression within a family.
I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until the pain is gone...
If you've lost a loved one, you know what this feels like; if not, nothing can describe the pain. Despite being absolutely shattered, we still have to scramble to get decisions and plans made, and to make the long trip for her funeral and the reading of the will; the next few days will be surreal at best.
The funeral: looking at a corpse, seeing the sweet face that had smiled at us so many times turned into a lifeless shell, touching the little hand that will be as cold and hard as marble.
The reading of the will: we have no idea what she's left us, aside from a few family and personal items that she told us she wanted us to have... I hope that however her assets have been divided, there won't be any arguments or bad feelings among the inheritors.
We've lost one of the people we loved most in the world, and instead of having her, we're going to have... money. There's something obscene about receiving benefits from someone's death, despite the fact that it's a natural and normal progression within a family.
I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until the pain is gone...
Monday, July 12, 2004
Why do we need romance?
To bribe the woman into having sex with the man.
Don't want to believe that? If you're a man, try to think of a single time you made a romantic gesture with NO thought of the sexual reward you were going to get. If you're a woman, try to think of a time that a man did anything romantic for you without "moving in for the kill" right afterward.
I've never cared about romance myself, but as a woman I've naturally grasped how much romance means to the rest of my gender, and thus have felt sympathy for women who bemoaned the lack of romance from their men. Recently, though, my sympathies have swung towards the men; when did the law get passed that said that men have to "pay" for hot sex by buying flowers and such? Men, don't you resent the idea that your body and sexual technique are insufficient to make a woman eager to have sex with you? Ladies, if you had to arrange an entire romantic evening for your man to be receptive to sex with you, wouldn't you feel unattractive and unwanted? Does anyone but me see how sick and twisted a mindset it is to have a setup where a woman wants regular "payments" of romance to be happy with providing sex to the man she's supposed to LOVE? Nothing I've ever read about so-called "primitive" cultures makes any reference to romance, so it seems to NOT be part of the human instinct; we've CREATED this concept, and bought into it so deeply that we don't even question it... NOT one of our prouder achievements. (There's some major hypocrisy involved with this, too: How is it that if a man paid for sex with MONEY, that would be "bad," but the man laying out more $ for a romantic dinner than most hookers can dream of getting for a sexual session is "good"?)
What about when women create a romantic atmosphere for sex, by doing things like lighting candles and putting satin sheets on the bed; what's the point of THAT? I've read articles by a variety of experts who describe that sort of thing as women's attempt to "desexualize sex" by overlaying it with romantic trappings... in other words, making sex more "palatable" by prettying it up. Men supposedly are resentful if women do too much of this, because they get the idea that just jumping in bed with them isn't enough all by itself; I think they're right on the money there, because things like candles don't enhance the actual physical sensations of sex (unless you're using them for the hot wax), and "creating a mood" isn't necessary when you're hot for someone.
Since it's supposed to be ok for a woman to want sex now, and to have it when she wants it (I say "supposed to be" because the term "slut" is still being tossed out with alarming frequency), WHY are women still expecting romance as an inducement to have sex, or to feel ok about having sex, or to want or enjoy sex more?
Don't want to believe that? If you're a man, try to think of a single time you made a romantic gesture with NO thought of the sexual reward you were going to get. If you're a woman, try to think of a time that a man did anything romantic for you without "moving in for the kill" right afterward.
I've never cared about romance myself, but as a woman I've naturally grasped how much romance means to the rest of my gender, and thus have felt sympathy for women who bemoaned the lack of romance from their men. Recently, though, my sympathies have swung towards the men; when did the law get passed that said that men have to "pay" for hot sex by buying flowers and such? Men, don't you resent the idea that your body and sexual technique are insufficient to make a woman eager to have sex with you? Ladies, if you had to arrange an entire romantic evening for your man to be receptive to sex with you, wouldn't you feel unattractive and unwanted? Does anyone but me see how sick and twisted a mindset it is to have a setup where a woman wants regular "payments" of romance to be happy with providing sex to the man she's supposed to LOVE? Nothing I've ever read about so-called "primitive" cultures makes any reference to romance, so it seems to NOT be part of the human instinct; we've CREATED this concept, and bought into it so deeply that we don't even question it... NOT one of our prouder achievements. (There's some major hypocrisy involved with this, too: How is it that if a man paid for sex with MONEY, that would be "bad," but the man laying out more $ for a romantic dinner than most hookers can dream of getting for a sexual session is "good"?)
What about when women create a romantic atmosphere for sex, by doing things like lighting candles and putting satin sheets on the bed; what's the point of THAT? I've read articles by a variety of experts who describe that sort of thing as women's attempt to "desexualize sex" by overlaying it with romantic trappings... in other words, making sex more "palatable" by prettying it up. Men supposedly are resentful if women do too much of this, because they get the idea that just jumping in bed with them isn't enough all by itself; I think they're right on the money there, because things like candles don't enhance the actual physical sensations of sex (unless you're using them for the hot wax), and "creating a mood" isn't necessary when you're hot for someone.
Since it's supposed to be ok for a woman to want sex now, and to have it when she wants it (I say "supposed to be" because the term "slut" is still being tossed out with alarming frequency), WHY are women still expecting romance as an inducement to have sex, or to feel ok about having sex, or to want or enjoy sex more?
Sunday, July 11, 2004
When did the definition of maturity change?
It wasn't that long ago that there were certain things that belonged only to childhood, and thus did NOT have a place in the lives of adults: stuffed animals, dolls, toys, games, cartoons, animated movies, and certain junk foods like popsicles and Pop Rocks. Nowadays, you're hard put to find any adults (and I don't mean just 19-20 year olds that are barely adult, I mean people in their 30's and 40's) who do NOT include these things in their lives... heck, most of the elder members of my family, who had done without these things for YEARS, have brought them BACK into their lives.
How did this happen? A big part of it is that we no longer have the clear-cut transition to adulthood that we used to; instead of graduating from high school and marrying and going to work right away, as was the norm until pretty recently, nowadays nearly everyone gets further education, takes time to try to develop a career, and puts off marriage... with the result that there's no sense of "ok, all of my peers are putting away childish things now, so I will too" at any point, which makes it easy to hang onto those things and habits that, let's face it, haven't stopped being enjoyable.
A related reason is that we're living with our families of origin at greater and greater ages, and, when we DO move out, we tend to not take all our things with us because we don't have room in our tiny apartments... so, we don't bother to toss out our old stuff.
Beanie Babies contributed greatly to the massive resurgence of adults having stuffed animals; I remember one woman I know making snippy commentary years ago about how SHE didn't have any stuffed animals because SHE was an adult, with the ill-concealed barb at me being that *I* still DID have stuffed animals, although I'm older than she is... but, as soon as Beanie Babies hit the scene, she suddenly was purchasing stuffed animals by the DOZENS. (And yes, I've rubbed her nose in these facts MANY times, lol.) Once it became ok to have the little, and often ugly, stuffed animals, it was ok to have all the other kinds, too, to the point where even my mother has a bunch now.
Walt Disney and Pixar (which was owned by Disney for quite a while) created a slew of quality animated movies with broad-spectrum age appeal, and this led to those movies, and, by extension, cartoons, being ok for adults to openly watch and enjoy. Cartoons that are aimed primarily at adults, like "The Simpsons" and "South Park," and the teen-themed "Beavis and Butthead," blurred the line between cartoons and regular programming, making cartoon-watching part of adult culture.
Mattel had a stroke of genius when they picked up on all this and started cranking out Barbies that were so elaborate and expensive that they were clearly not for playing with, and suddenly it was common for grown women to have Barbies again.
And what's the impetus behind the frenzy of the past few years of everyone buying all the toys, games and collectibles that they'd loved as kids? No secret there: eBay. We're all online, we've got time on our hands and $ that we're eager to spend, and once you do that first eBay search you discover that everything you ever had and wish you had again, or that you'd longed for but your parents wouldn't get you, is on there, often very inexpensively, so you do what everyone else does-buy, buy, buy.
I'm not sure how we got back to eating more "kid foods"; it may be as simple as getting steadily busier and more stressed, and turning to the foods that made us feel good when life was simpler. In my case, the indulgence is primarily due to being allowed virtually none of these sorts of things as a child, but it still adds up to recapturing childhood pleasures and desires.
What this all boils down to is that many of the things that would once have caused you to be seen as immature if you indulged in them are now seen as acceptable, normal, and even cool for adults to enjoy. Personally, I'm glad about it; it took me many years, but I'm FINALLY fitting in with my peer group.
How did this happen? A big part of it is that we no longer have the clear-cut transition to adulthood that we used to; instead of graduating from high school and marrying and going to work right away, as was the norm until pretty recently, nowadays nearly everyone gets further education, takes time to try to develop a career, and puts off marriage... with the result that there's no sense of "ok, all of my peers are putting away childish things now, so I will too" at any point, which makes it easy to hang onto those things and habits that, let's face it, haven't stopped being enjoyable.
A related reason is that we're living with our families of origin at greater and greater ages, and, when we DO move out, we tend to not take all our things with us because we don't have room in our tiny apartments... so, we don't bother to toss out our old stuff.
Beanie Babies contributed greatly to the massive resurgence of adults having stuffed animals; I remember one woman I know making snippy commentary years ago about how SHE didn't have any stuffed animals because SHE was an adult, with the ill-concealed barb at me being that *I* still DID have stuffed animals, although I'm older than she is... but, as soon as Beanie Babies hit the scene, she suddenly was purchasing stuffed animals by the DOZENS. (And yes, I've rubbed her nose in these facts MANY times, lol.) Once it became ok to have the little, and often ugly, stuffed animals, it was ok to have all the other kinds, too, to the point where even my mother has a bunch now.
Walt Disney and Pixar (which was owned by Disney for quite a while) created a slew of quality animated movies with broad-spectrum age appeal, and this led to those movies, and, by extension, cartoons, being ok for adults to openly watch and enjoy. Cartoons that are aimed primarily at adults, like "The Simpsons" and "South Park," and the teen-themed "Beavis and Butthead," blurred the line between cartoons and regular programming, making cartoon-watching part of adult culture.
Mattel had a stroke of genius when they picked up on all this and started cranking out Barbies that were so elaborate and expensive that they were clearly not for playing with, and suddenly it was common for grown women to have Barbies again.
And what's the impetus behind the frenzy of the past few years of everyone buying all the toys, games and collectibles that they'd loved as kids? No secret there: eBay. We're all online, we've got time on our hands and $ that we're eager to spend, and once you do that first eBay search you discover that everything you ever had and wish you had again, or that you'd longed for but your parents wouldn't get you, is on there, often very inexpensively, so you do what everyone else does-buy, buy, buy.
I'm not sure how we got back to eating more "kid foods"; it may be as simple as getting steadily busier and more stressed, and turning to the foods that made us feel good when life was simpler. In my case, the indulgence is primarily due to being allowed virtually none of these sorts of things as a child, but it still adds up to recapturing childhood pleasures and desires.
What this all boils down to is that many of the things that would once have caused you to be seen as immature if you indulged in them are now seen as acceptable, normal, and even cool for adults to enjoy. Personally, I'm glad about it; it took me many years, but I'm FINALLY fitting in with my peer group.
