Saturday, March 03, 2007
How to never be wrong
I learned this skill the hard way; I came from an abusive family where wrongness was seen as incontrovertible proof of moral failing and absolute worthlessness, so I figured out at an early age how to stop being wrong in self-defense. Don't worry, it's easier than it looks; heck, 95% of wrongness can be eliminated by just following the 1st rule:
1) If you don't know anything about a topic, DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
We have such an intense desire to be seen as one of the group that when the conversation switches to something we know nothing about we have the overwhelming urge to keep babbling; this goes x10 if someone asks us directly about it and suddenly we're in the spotlight. If you try to say something that sounds like what the others have said, or that you THINK is somehow related to the topic, you've got a reasonable chance of getting away with it, which is why everyone does it... but every time you do it you take a major risk of being wrong.
2) Remember that knowing a little about a topic is NOT the same as knowing ALL about it.
It's SO tempting to extrapolate from what you DO know and try to make it seem like your expertise is far greater than it actually is; the payoff is being admired for being so knowledgeable... but the downside is that anyone who knows more than you do can slam you for being wrong.
3) Refrain from arguing an issue with someone who knows more about it than you, OR is quoting someone who does.
If you disagree with someone who knows more, it's almost certain that you're wrong, no matter how POSITIVE you are of your rightness. If you can't bear leaving their assertions unchallenged, say something like "Ok, I'm confused now-let's look it up"; that way, if the other person's right, you won't be wrong because you never SAID anything to the contrary.
And; the wisdom of those who know more than you stays the same when they're being quoted. It shouldn't even be necessary to say that, but all too often someone will argue vehemently against the words of experts because the person they're arguing with is NOT an expert, which they believe in some misty way cancels out the experts' authority.
4) Understand that using "I feel" does NOT shield you from being wrong.
Some folks think that, since "feelings are never wrong," if they preface their comments with "I feel" they won't be disputed... but it just ain't so. First of all, if you follow "I feel" with anything other than an EMOTION you're automatically wrong; secondly, "I feel" doesn't magically prevent people from seeing and calling you on your wrongness.
5) Understand that phrasing something as an opinion doesn't shield you either.
As with "I feel," some folks think that stating something as an opinion means they can't be contradicted; in reality, if there are facts about an issue, and you speak contrary to them, it changes nothing if your statement was framed as an opinion... you're still wrong, no matter how long you've held the opinion or how strongly you feel about it.
6) If you're not sure you got your info from an expert, quote your source rather than using that info as facts.
You hear about something on a blog, in a magazine, from your brother, etc, and later on when someone brings up that topic you repeat whatever you heard as if it were a fact... but if it's NOT, you're now wrong. Instead of passing on such info as if you were relaying facts, say "Some blogger/a magazine/my brother SAID..."; the blogger, magazine or brother may be shown to be wrong, but YOU are NOT wrong... all you did was quote someone.
7) Be honest with yourself about the quality of your memory.
Do an objective analysis as to how good your memory is, both long and short term, in general and about specific things like names and dates, and use that analysis to judge the likelihood that what you're about to give as factual info might be misremembered; if you're not 100% sure your memory can be trusted for that fact, say that, while you think it MIGHT be X, it also might NOT be X so you need to double-check... and whatever the true answer is, you never made a claim so you're not wrong.
8) Remember that some facts change over time.
For things like the current scientific dogma or the "news" about if celebrity X is pregnant or just gaining weight (if you read science magazines you know that the former changes even more than the latter), say "The last thing I heard/read about that was..."; that way, if the facts are different now, you're not wrong... you just told what you heard or read.
9) Don't label differing opinions as "wrong."
A real opinion, in other words on a topic where there's no factually-provable right answer, CAN'T be wrong... and if you say it is, YOU are wrong. No matter how strongly you feel about YOUR opinion, just say you disagree, and that's it.
10) Think twice before attempting to prove someone wrong.
If you get to this point, you've challenged the other person's assertion and they've held firm, which suggests that they think they've got facts to back it up; assuming they're not an idiot, you likely have a 50% chance of being wrong... why take the risk?
Anyone can do this stuff, but virtually no one does, so if YOU adopt these strategies you'll have an edge when trying to impress people... and in marriage, hehehehehe.
1) If you don't know anything about a topic, DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
We have such an intense desire to be seen as one of the group that when the conversation switches to something we know nothing about we have the overwhelming urge to keep babbling; this goes x10 if someone asks us directly about it and suddenly we're in the spotlight. If you try to say something that sounds like what the others have said, or that you THINK is somehow related to the topic, you've got a reasonable chance of getting away with it, which is why everyone does it... but every time you do it you take a major risk of being wrong.
2) Remember that knowing a little about a topic is NOT the same as knowing ALL about it.
It's SO tempting to extrapolate from what you DO know and try to make it seem like your expertise is far greater than it actually is; the payoff is being admired for being so knowledgeable... but the downside is that anyone who knows more than you do can slam you for being wrong.
3) Refrain from arguing an issue with someone who knows more about it than you, OR is quoting someone who does.
If you disagree with someone who knows more, it's almost certain that you're wrong, no matter how POSITIVE you are of your rightness. If you can't bear leaving their assertions unchallenged, say something like "Ok, I'm confused now-let's look it up"; that way, if the other person's right, you won't be wrong because you never SAID anything to the contrary.
And; the wisdom of those who know more than you stays the same when they're being quoted. It shouldn't even be necessary to say that, but all too often someone will argue vehemently against the words of experts because the person they're arguing with is NOT an expert, which they believe in some misty way cancels out the experts' authority.
4) Understand that using "I feel" does NOT shield you from being wrong.
Some folks think that, since "feelings are never wrong," if they preface their comments with "I feel" they won't be disputed... but it just ain't so. First of all, if you follow "I feel" with anything other than an EMOTION you're automatically wrong; secondly, "I feel" doesn't magically prevent people from seeing and calling you on your wrongness.
5) Understand that phrasing something as an opinion doesn't shield you either.
As with "I feel," some folks think that stating something as an opinion means they can't be contradicted; in reality, if there are facts about an issue, and you speak contrary to them, it changes nothing if your statement was framed as an opinion... you're still wrong, no matter how long you've held the opinion or how strongly you feel about it.
6) If you're not sure you got your info from an expert, quote your source rather than using that info as facts.
You hear about something on a blog, in a magazine, from your brother, etc, and later on when someone brings up that topic you repeat whatever you heard as if it were a fact... but if it's NOT, you're now wrong. Instead of passing on such info as if you were relaying facts, say "Some blogger/a magazine/my brother SAID..."; the blogger, magazine or brother may be shown to be wrong, but YOU are NOT wrong... all you did was quote someone.
7) Be honest with yourself about the quality of your memory.
Do an objective analysis as to how good your memory is, both long and short term, in general and about specific things like names and dates, and use that analysis to judge the likelihood that what you're about to give as factual info might be misremembered; if you're not 100% sure your memory can be trusted for that fact, say that, while you think it MIGHT be X, it also might NOT be X so you need to double-check... and whatever the true answer is, you never made a claim so you're not wrong.
8) Remember that some facts change over time.
For things like the current scientific dogma or the "news" about if celebrity X is pregnant or just gaining weight (if you read science magazines you know that the former changes even more than the latter), say "The last thing I heard/read about that was..."; that way, if the facts are different now, you're not wrong... you just told what you heard or read.
9) Don't label differing opinions as "wrong."
A real opinion, in other words on a topic where there's no factually-provable right answer, CAN'T be wrong... and if you say it is, YOU are wrong. No matter how strongly you feel about YOUR opinion, just say you disagree, and that's it.
10) Think twice before attempting to prove someone wrong.
If you get to this point, you've challenged the other person's assertion and they've held firm, which suggests that they think they've got facts to back it up; assuming they're not an idiot, you likely have a 50% chance of being wrong... why take the risk?
Anyone can do this stuff, but virtually no one does, so if YOU adopt these strategies you'll have an edge when trying to impress people... and in marriage, hehehehehe.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The Beware List, Part 7
The Beware List is an accumulation of red flags that I've noticed will very consistently indicate if a person is evil, a psycho, sociopath, manipulator, clueless depressive, or screwing you (or planning to); if you notice someone's behavior matching a description from the list, be on high alert and start taking precautionary measures (which often means just kicking them to the curb as they so richly deserve). This post contains the latest installment; to read entries 1-60, see my posts of 5-31-06, 7-6-06, 8-31-06, 10-6-06, 11-19-06 and 1-10-07. Beware of anyone who:
61) Wants to discuss their problems with you, but insists that certain portions of the topic are off-limits, prevents you from making certain sorts of comments, or in any way makes you feel like you’re walking through a minefield when you’re trying to HELP.
This person has no desire to SOLVE their problems, and if you try to make them they'll turn on you like a rabid dog. They have no idea how friendship is supposed to work, and thus will sh*t on you eventually because they don't know any better and/or don't care; you should accept that you can't help them and move on.
62) Is unable to trust in general, and especially won’t trust a clearly trustworthy person.
Only a totally UNtrustworthy person, or one who's been badly “burned" in relationships, withholds trust where it’s clearly earned; the former assumes that everyone is like them, and the latter has decided to make darned sure no one can ever hurt them again by refusing to let anyone get close, not even friends or romantic partners... and they'll NEVER change, no matter how good you are to them-if necessary, they'll INVENT reasons to not trust you in order to validate their worldview.
63) Has no boundaries, or whose boundaries fluctuate or don't correspond to what sorts of relationships they have with those involved.
This person is NOT emotionally healthy; ALL emotionally healthy people have firm, appropriate boundaries. Someone like this will loan their car to a near-stranger and then refuse to tell a supposed friend their middle name; they somehow missed out on learning how to judge what you share or reveal with those at different levels of closeness, or even how to judge what level of closeness a person should HAVE with them. They don't know what boundaries are reasonable for YOU to have, either, and will become furious if you don't just roll over at their whim; they have no clue how to be a friend, or how to treat one.
64) Requires endless reassurances that you’re not mad at them or bored with them.
Serious depressives do this all the time, because everyone they ever got within range of friendship with has dumped them, and they think this will prevent that; even if you tell them repeatedly that you're not mad or bored, but you dislike the constant demands for reassurance, they'll keep doing it, and will remain tense and anxious in their interactions with you FOREVER. Sadly, all you can do is encourage them to get help... on your way out the door (if you hesitate, remember that clueless depressives will always stick it to you sooner or later, usually sooner).
65) Doesn’t hold up their end of the friendship, but expects YOU to be a full-on friend to THEM.
If you're stuck in this one-way game, you're being manipulated by a pro; they're NOT your friend, they have no affection for you, and they enjoy jerking you around. Sometimes a person like this is a depressive who hasn't grasped that a friend is supposed to be their EQUAL, not a younger version of their mommy, but usually they're sociopathic; in any case, your choices are to continue to be used or to end the relationship.
66) Sees you as a therapist, advice-giver and helper, not as a FRIEND, and shows little interest in you when you’re not fulfilling those roles.
It feels good to be seen as a "savior," at least for a while, but that's NOT your job unless you're their shrink; save your assistance for people who care about you... which this person never will, no matter what they claim.
67) Shows you emails or IM records of someone they’re fighting with, or makes reference to having given these things to others, or posts them anywhere online.
You may feel flattered that they're sharing private stuff with you, but doing so is WRONG; it's a betrayal, dirty fighting, and just plain ugly. This is a seriously bad person, and if you stay involved with them they'll be passing YOUR private correspondence around as soon as you displease them (as you inevitably will).
68) Tries to make you a referee, counselor or witness to their battles with their significant other.
This shows that they have no clue as to how to properly conduct ANY sort of relationship, and that they’ll fight dirty without hesitation; if they actually SUCCEED in getting their partner and some poor sap in this sort of sick triangle, they're a master manipulator as well. Be very afraid.
69) Willingly makes plans with you, but all too often ends up doing something else instead, with some lame excuse afterwards.
This person is either a complete flake or a sociopath playing games to try to get you to pursue them more avidly; if you're not sure which, decline to make any more plans in advance with them and see if they're willing to continue the friendship... if they're not, trust me, it's no loss.
70) Thinks that, if you confront someone about misbehavior, YOU, not the wrongdoer, are somehow the bad guy.
Only those who are themselves chronic wrongdoers think it’s bad to upbraid people for misbehavior; RUN, don't walk.
I hope this'll help you avoid being the victim of rotten types; remember, they can only get you if you LET them.
61) Wants to discuss their problems with you, but insists that certain portions of the topic are off-limits, prevents you from making certain sorts of comments, or in any way makes you feel like you’re walking through a minefield when you’re trying to HELP.
This person has no desire to SOLVE their problems, and if you try to make them they'll turn on you like a rabid dog. They have no idea how friendship is supposed to work, and thus will sh*t on you eventually because they don't know any better and/or don't care; you should accept that you can't help them and move on.
62) Is unable to trust in general, and especially won’t trust a clearly trustworthy person.
Only a totally UNtrustworthy person, or one who's been badly “burned" in relationships, withholds trust where it’s clearly earned; the former assumes that everyone is like them, and the latter has decided to make darned sure no one can ever hurt them again by refusing to let anyone get close, not even friends or romantic partners... and they'll NEVER change, no matter how good you are to them-if necessary, they'll INVENT reasons to not trust you in order to validate their worldview.
63) Has no boundaries, or whose boundaries fluctuate or don't correspond to what sorts of relationships they have with those involved.
This person is NOT emotionally healthy; ALL emotionally healthy people have firm, appropriate boundaries. Someone like this will loan their car to a near-stranger and then refuse to tell a supposed friend their middle name; they somehow missed out on learning how to judge what you share or reveal with those at different levels of closeness, or even how to judge what level of closeness a person should HAVE with them. They don't know what boundaries are reasonable for YOU to have, either, and will become furious if you don't just roll over at their whim; they have no clue how to be a friend, or how to treat one.
64) Requires endless reassurances that you’re not mad at them or bored with them.
Serious depressives do this all the time, because everyone they ever got within range of friendship with has dumped them, and they think this will prevent that; even if you tell them repeatedly that you're not mad or bored, but you dislike the constant demands for reassurance, they'll keep doing it, and will remain tense and anxious in their interactions with you FOREVER. Sadly, all you can do is encourage them to get help... on your way out the door (if you hesitate, remember that clueless depressives will always stick it to you sooner or later, usually sooner).
65) Doesn’t hold up their end of the friendship, but expects YOU to be a full-on friend to THEM.
If you're stuck in this one-way game, you're being manipulated by a pro; they're NOT your friend, they have no affection for you, and they enjoy jerking you around. Sometimes a person like this is a depressive who hasn't grasped that a friend is supposed to be their EQUAL, not a younger version of their mommy, but usually they're sociopathic; in any case, your choices are to continue to be used or to end the relationship.
66) Sees you as a therapist, advice-giver and helper, not as a FRIEND, and shows little interest in you when you’re not fulfilling those roles.
It feels good to be seen as a "savior," at least for a while, but that's NOT your job unless you're their shrink; save your assistance for people who care about you... which this person never will, no matter what they claim.
67) Shows you emails or IM records of someone they’re fighting with, or makes reference to having given these things to others, or posts them anywhere online.
You may feel flattered that they're sharing private stuff with you, but doing so is WRONG; it's a betrayal, dirty fighting, and just plain ugly. This is a seriously bad person, and if you stay involved with them they'll be passing YOUR private correspondence around as soon as you displease them (as you inevitably will).
68) Tries to make you a referee, counselor or witness to their battles with their significant other.
This shows that they have no clue as to how to properly conduct ANY sort of relationship, and that they’ll fight dirty without hesitation; if they actually SUCCEED in getting their partner and some poor sap in this sort of sick triangle, they're a master manipulator as well. Be very afraid.
69) Willingly makes plans with you, but all too often ends up doing something else instead, with some lame excuse afterwards.
This person is either a complete flake or a sociopath playing games to try to get you to pursue them more avidly; if you're not sure which, decline to make any more plans in advance with them and see if they're willing to continue the friendship... if they're not, trust me, it's no loss.
70) Thinks that, if you confront someone about misbehavior, YOU, not the wrongdoer, are somehow the bad guy.
Only those who are themselves chronic wrongdoers think it’s bad to upbraid people for misbehavior; RUN, don't walk.
I hope this'll help you avoid being the victim of rotten types; remember, they can only get you if you LET them.
