Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Beware List, Part 6
The Beware List began when I had a major epiphany a few years back; that the evil, the manipulators, and the socially clueless depressives all follow the same patterns, give the same hints about their true natures and intentions, and even use the same lines, and that this makes it possible to figure out what they are, and what they're up to, BEFORE it's too late... BEFORE they screw you. Below is the latest installment from the list; to read entries 1-50, see my posts of 5-31-06, 7-6-06, 8-31-06, 10-6-06 and 11-19-06. Beware of anyone who:
51) Defends some ugly thing that they or someone you’re fighting with has said by invoking “free speech,” especially if their subtext is that YOU are somehow the bad guy if you “try to impede free speech” aka demand an end to the ugliness.
The invocation of "free speech" is a BIG red flag; good people rarely use it to defend what they've said (as they have VALID reasons they can use instead), and NEVER use it to excuse bad behavior... only rotten types think that "free speech" excuses abusive comments, or that it's somehow wrong to suggest that people spewing venom should button their lips.
52) Based on their comments about a "fight" involving you and them and/or their friend(s), seems to think that everyone should have unfettered “free speech” EXCEPT YOU... especially if they're allegedly your friend.
This person is NOT your friend; no matter how angry we get, we NEVER think that our friends should be denied free speech... and a decent person doesn't think ANYONE should be denied free speech (keeping in mind that free speech does NOT confer the right to say any nasty thing you want about a person-laws against libel and slander exist for a reason). To use this particular strategy, the person has to dislike you, either be an idiot or think YOU'RE one (because they believe you won't notice that you've been singled out to lose your right to free speech), be a dirty fighter, and probably feels threatened by your intelligence or strength, which they counteract by trying to "handicap" your ability to fight.
53) Has a friend that they badmouth to you constantly, but who they are mysteriously still VERY involved with.
Either they're BS-ing you about their feelings for the other friend in order to manipulate you, or telling the truth and are so sick they can't let go of that person, or telling the truth and sticking by that person because they're using them or intending to; whichever is the case, they're scum, and it's only a matter of time before they play YOU that way.
54) Steadily reduces the amount of effort they're willing to make for you as time goes on and/or generally seems to make much more effort for strangers than for people with established places in their lives.
This person is either a depressive or just totally lacking in social skills; they have no idea what friendship is, or how to BE a friend, and the concept that you're supposed to be willing to do MORE for someone the deeper your relationship with them gets is utterly foreign to them. They cold-bloodedly "bribe" people into befriending them by doing favors and giving gifts because it's the only thing they know how to do that ever makes anyone act interested in them; once a prospect starts treating them as a friend, they revert to their normal behavior, which is to not even make the expected minimum level of effort, much less more... and when the friend finally gives up and bails, they brand them as "bad" and will tell everyone how that person abandoned them for no reason.
55) Becomes furious with, or ends a relationship with, someone out of the blue and for trivial reasons (or none).
This is either a seriously sick person who lashes out at random (or as the result of having twisted things around in their heads and convinced themselves that an innocent person is their enemy), or a master manipulator who treats anyone who fails to grovel sufficiently (or shows too much independence of thought) in this manner in order to frighten their other hangers-on into catering to their every whim so as not to receive the same treatment.
56) Has a significant alteration of their behavior and/or personality (beyond the normal decline in formality and gradual revelation of quirks) once they get to know you.
This is an obvious one; they faked you out, either by pretending to be more like you, or like what they thought you want, than they really are to fast-track them to your approval, or by pretending to be "normal" when they're far from it (in a BAD way) to keep from scaring you away. This person is either a manipulator setting you up for a fall or has major mental health issues; nice people don't try to trick you, and emotionally healthy people don't feel the need to play games to be liked.
57) You read old emails or IM histories from and realize that they seem like a TOTALLY different person then than now.
Similar to the previous one, but far worse; only a master manipulator is capable of changing their behavior so subtly that you don't notice when they eventually bear no resemblance to who you originally thought they were... and they're NOT doing all that for your benefit. (I recommend that anyone having such written records for a friend or lover go back to the earliest ones and re-read them.)
58) Thinks that only THEY have the right to get mad or complain.
This person is NOT your friend, and is either a clueless depressive, a manipulator trying to make you walk on eggshells, or really doesn't like you and is trying to drive you away... and if you call them on it, they'll inundate you with melodramatic proclamations to distract you from pursuing the issue.
59) When they’ve been caught in wrongdoing, accuses you of “laying blame,” as if that were somehow not appropriate, and as if you were somehow “bad” for doing so.
This person has mastered the concept of "the best defense is a strong offense"; by changing the subject to YOU and YOUR actions, they neatly duck the butt-kicking they so richly deserve... if you fall for it, that is. All decent people understand that a wrongdoer should expect to be blamed, and DESERVES to be blamed, and so don't have a problem with blame being laid as long as it's done in response to actual wrongdoing... only a bad, or totally amoral, person objects to being blamed for things they've done, or thinks that anyone who blames them is "bad."
60) Wants you to be a Yes-Girl (or -Boy) instead of being honest, and thus becomes angry if you point out that any aspect of their behavior is less than optimal, even if you’re trying to help them achieve their goals or avoid problems by telling them.
This person doesn't want REAL friendship, which includes the giving of feedback on a variety of things including behavior, and is probably incapable of giving it; they just want non-stop and unquestioning approval from you, although they have no intention of giving it TO you... OR, they don't really see you as a friend and so don't want the sort of help from you that they'd accept with reasonable grace from those they DO consider real friends... OR, they're so immature that they're still rebelling against anyone "telling them what to do." In any case, they're a bad relationship bet.
I hope this stuff helps prevent you from getting dissed. Remember: They can only get you if you LET them.
51) Defends some ugly thing that they or someone you’re fighting with has said by invoking “free speech,” especially if their subtext is that YOU are somehow the bad guy if you “try to impede free speech” aka demand an end to the ugliness.
The invocation of "free speech" is a BIG red flag; good people rarely use it to defend what they've said (as they have VALID reasons they can use instead), and NEVER use it to excuse bad behavior... only rotten types think that "free speech" excuses abusive comments, or that it's somehow wrong to suggest that people spewing venom should button their lips.
52) Based on their comments about a "fight" involving you and them and/or their friend(s), seems to think that everyone should have unfettered “free speech” EXCEPT YOU... especially if they're allegedly your friend.
This person is NOT your friend; no matter how angry we get, we NEVER think that our friends should be denied free speech... and a decent person doesn't think ANYONE should be denied free speech (keeping in mind that free speech does NOT confer the right to say any nasty thing you want about a person-laws against libel and slander exist for a reason). To use this particular strategy, the person has to dislike you, either be an idiot or think YOU'RE one (because they believe you won't notice that you've been singled out to lose your right to free speech), be a dirty fighter, and probably feels threatened by your intelligence or strength, which they counteract by trying to "handicap" your ability to fight.
53) Has a friend that they badmouth to you constantly, but who they are mysteriously still VERY involved with.
Either they're BS-ing you about their feelings for the other friend in order to manipulate you, or telling the truth and are so sick they can't let go of that person, or telling the truth and sticking by that person because they're using them or intending to; whichever is the case, they're scum, and it's only a matter of time before they play YOU that way.
54) Steadily reduces the amount of effort they're willing to make for you as time goes on and/or generally seems to make much more effort for strangers than for people with established places in their lives.
This person is either a depressive or just totally lacking in social skills; they have no idea what friendship is, or how to BE a friend, and the concept that you're supposed to be willing to do MORE for someone the deeper your relationship with them gets is utterly foreign to them. They cold-bloodedly "bribe" people into befriending them by doing favors and giving gifts because it's the only thing they know how to do that ever makes anyone act interested in them; once a prospect starts treating them as a friend, they revert to their normal behavior, which is to not even make the expected minimum level of effort, much less more... and when the friend finally gives up and bails, they brand them as "bad" and will tell everyone how that person abandoned them for no reason.
55) Becomes furious with, or ends a relationship with, someone out of the blue and for trivial reasons (or none).
This is either a seriously sick person who lashes out at random (or as the result of having twisted things around in their heads and convinced themselves that an innocent person is their enemy), or a master manipulator who treats anyone who fails to grovel sufficiently (or shows too much independence of thought) in this manner in order to frighten their other hangers-on into catering to their every whim so as not to receive the same treatment.
56) Has a significant alteration of their behavior and/or personality (beyond the normal decline in formality and gradual revelation of quirks) once they get to know you.
This is an obvious one; they faked you out, either by pretending to be more like you, or like what they thought you want, than they really are to fast-track them to your approval, or by pretending to be "normal" when they're far from it (in a BAD way) to keep from scaring you away. This person is either a manipulator setting you up for a fall or has major mental health issues; nice people don't try to trick you, and emotionally healthy people don't feel the need to play games to be liked.
57) You read old emails or IM histories from and realize that they seem like a TOTALLY different person then than now.
Similar to the previous one, but far worse; only a master manipulator is capable of changing their behavior so subtly that you don't notice when they eventually bear no resemblance to who you originally thought they were... and they're NOT doing all that for your benefit. (I recommend that anyone having such written records for a friend or lover go back to the earliest ones and re-read them.)
58) Thinks that only THEY have the right to get mad or complain.
This person is NOT your friend, and is either a clueless depressive, a manipulator trying to make you walk on eggshells, or really doesn't like you and is trying to drive you away... and if you call them on it, they'll inundate you with melodramatic proclamations to distract you from pursuing the issue.
59) When they’ve been caught in wrongdoing, accuses you of “laying blame,” as if that were somehow not appropriate, and as if you were somehow “bad” for doing so.
This person has mastered the concept of "the best defense is a strong offense"; by changing the subject to YOU and YOUR actions, they neatly duck the butt-kicking they so richly deserve... if you fall for it, that is. All decent people understand that a wrongdoer should expect to be blamed, and DESERVES to be blamed, and so don't have a problem with blame being laid as long as it's done in response to actual wrongdoing... only a bad, or totally amoral, person objects to being blamed for things they've done, or thinks that anyone who blames them is "bad."
60) Wants you to be a Yes-Girl (or -Boy) instead of being honest, and thus becomes angry if you point out that any aspect of their behavior is less than optimal, even if you’re trying to help them achieve their goals or avoid problems by telling them.
This person doesn't want REAL friendship, which includes the giving of feedback on a variety of things including behavior, and is probably incapable of giving it; they just want non-stop and unquestioning approval from you, although they have no intention of giving it TO you... OR, they don't really see you as a friend and so don't want the sort of help from you that they'd accept with reasonable grace from those they DO consider real friends... OR, they're so immature that they're still rebelling against anyone "telling them what to do." In any case, they're a bad relationship bet.
I hope this stuff helps prevent you from getting dissed. Remember: They can only get you if you LET them.
