Saturday, October 23, 2004
Karma does NOT work like you might think
One of the things that keeps people from believing in the existence of karma and/or God is the idea we hold over from childhood that good behavior is supposed to get rewarded, and bad behavior is supposed to be punished... and, when we see real life happening otherwise, we naturally doubt the existence of the system that's supposedly running things. I can't speak with any authority about God, as I don't know if He exists and, if He does, how He explains how He runs things, but the actions of karma, which is just the collective interactions of all the energies around us, can easily be understood once you stop trying to see it as a deity passing judgment and see it as the blind force that it actually is.
The concept that's most central to the understanding of how the engine of karma works is this one; the widely-held idea that the standard "definition" of karma, "what goes around comes around" (aka "what comes around goes around"), refers to doing good things and getting good things back, and doing bad things and getting bad things back, is WRONG. Karma doesn't see anything as "good" or "bad," any more than gravity, or any other force of nature, thinks and analyzes to arrive at that conclusion. Karma is all about ENERGY. That energy can be:
1) Positive, which can be generated exactly as you'd expect, by giving and loving with a pure heart, and is also created from things like hope, happiness and positive thinking. Positive energy flows back to the one who gives it... and I do mean positive ENERGY is what the giver receives, which might just mean that many people love the giver back, rather than the giver having successes or getting physical rewards. Karma's NOT God, so it doesn't "promise" tangible benefits for good behavior; it just assures that energy flows a certain way. Therefore, sadly, it's possible to be a truly good person, and do endless good deeds, and not have wealth, success or protection from harm, BUT: you'll be safe from having bad karma aimed at you, you'll be very likely to have help appear when trouble strikes, you'll find yourself getting odd "urges" to do things that will end up benefiting you, and you'll be far more likely to receive many of the things you want indirectly, through other people... and that can make an enormous difference in your life. And yes, of course, you probably WILL get the sorts of "rewards" you'd normally associate with "good karma," too, but don't lose hope if it doesn't always work that way; hopelessness is a major block to positive energy (see #2 below), and sometimes the sequence of events necessary to get positive energy to you just plain takes a while.
If you want a successful career and the big $, and you're a good person, karma DOES often tip things in your favor, via what are seen as "lucky breaks," but you still have to work hard and have the talent (and often a solid grasp of "personal politics") to achieve success... don't expect karma to perform miracles. Overall, it IS wildly to your benefit to generate positive energy, so keep doing it... just be realistic about what you'll get in return.
2) Negative: This is where the main confusion lies for most folks; people assume that this just comes from doing wrong, and feeling things like anger, hate, and jealousy... but it ALSO means all other sorts of negative feelings and thoughts, including those that are NOT "bad," such as depression, grief, fear, righteous anger, self-pity, hopelessness and stress. This absence of value judgment by karma is why you see grieving people so often hit with other painful events, why depressives have non-stop bad things outside of their control or influence happening to them, why when you're really sick you get a flood of rotten "luck" to deal with; it's all because the negative energy being radiated draws other negative things.
The major "negative force" is FEAR (including its cousin, anxiety); when you fear that bad things will happen, focus energy and thought on it, you make yourself a MAGNET for bad things to happen... possibly including the thing you fear most. It's thus VERY important to get control of your thoughts, especially emotionally-charged ones, and to exert every effort to block negative thoughts and work through, and then banish, the negative emotions; if you don't, it's heartbreakingly easy to get sunk into a pit of "bad luck" even if you've never harmed a soul. (If clinical depression or chronic anxiety are part of your life, this is another reason you need meds to get these terrible ailments under control.)
Bad people often don't seem to be being "punished" because... well, firstly because karma doesn't punish any more than it rewards, but also because the negative energy going back to the evil-doer is often not in a visible form, the same as it works for positive energy; for example, such a person usually won't have true friendships, love and intimacy if their evil is open, and even if it's secret, the secrecy itself will keep them separate from the rest of humanity, and, in the rare instances where this is not the case, the sociopath is incapable of RECEIVING love, affection, friendship and intimacy-they may play along with it, but it doesn't touch them, as they have no ability to join emotionally with others. Maybe this doesn't sound like much when the evil that's been done is, say, killing, and maybe it's NOT enough, but, then again... to live in the cold, ugly reality of never feeling the warmth and closeness of another human being isn't something you'd be willing to endure yourself, is it? The evildoers can't seem to stand it either, which is why they nearly always WANT to be caught eventually, to be recognized for what they've done, to be seen for who they truly are... to be KNOWN in the way that a normal person is known by their loved ones. In the end, then, indirectly, karma often DOES lead to the evil ones getting punished in addition to the other sufferings it sends them.
I know I don't need to tell you that to avoid bad karma from evil deeds you need to avoid doing evil deeds.
3) Neutral; few people think about this one, but we all SHOULD, because its power is the easiest to harness. When you think alot about a thing, want it, pray for it, meditate over it, daydream about it, that sends out a steady stream of energy in the "form" of the thing you want; that "energy stream" tends to draw the object of your desire to you, sometimes directly, sometimes by giving you opportunities that, IF taken, will get you what you want... and this effect occurs whether you're a good person or a bad one, which is why so many sociopaths, who are usually bad people but are VERY focused, succeed in achieving their goals. If, however, you send out a contradictory energy stream as well, one made of negative thoughts and emotions (especially fears) such as by thinking constantly "I can't ever get that," or "But if I got that, would that mean I'd have to give up this and that?", the 2 streams cancel each other out, and karma has no path left along which to send you the things you want. The other way to slip up in using this energy is to be too specific; for example, when I was looking for a man who'd fulfill a list of specific qualities, as well-meaning folks tell you you should have to focus your search, I couldn't find anyone who I connected with, but as soon as I eliminated the details and changed what I wanted to "a man who loves me and doesn't do criminal or abusive things," I found a man within a month who not only qualified but had qualities that were so rare that I'd have thought it foolish to have had them on my "list," qualities that were worth far more to me than the ones that WERE on the list. (Yes, I'm talking about my husband.)
You can multiply the effect of this energy by having other people sending it out for you, whether in the form of prayer, white light, or just wishing for you really hard; studies have shown that ill people who are prayed for are statistically more likely to recover than those who are NOT prayed for, even when strangers were doing the praying and neither the patients nor the doctors were aware of the prayers, and prayer just means focused thought undertaken with a certainty that those thoughts will lead to a desired result... and the sending of white light and wishing good for another person are the same mental process as payer, just using different wording.
You don't need to have any religious or spiritual beliefs to be able to make this work, though, and even the certainty that it will work, although helpful (because it adds emotion to the thoughts), isn't necessary; all you need is the discipline to send out the correct thoughts over and over, and it can be done by practicing affirmations (which means writing down what you want in a clearly-worded "I statement" 15 times a day) or any other way that fits into your life. I know it seems crazy that something that simple and undramatic could possibly make things happen... it seemed a little odd to me, too, until I tried it and it worked.
There are a couple of other points about karma that are also very important:
1) Karma doesn't exist for each person in a vacuum. If your spouse, child, parents, best friends, even neighbors under some circumstances, have particularly bad or good karma, or strong neutral karma, the things they draw to themselves can and do affect YOU because of your close association with them... and thus, often quite a bit of what happens in your life has nothing to do with your own personal karma, it's just "karma by association" from other people. For example, if your live-in boyfriend does something terrible, and the bad karma he reaps as a result costs him his job, YOU suffer from suddenly having to pay all the bills, and by having to deal with his unemployed, cranky butt, even though you did nothing bad. I have 2 friends who, in a wonderful act of selflessness, have reached out to help some young people who were enduring terrible times, and, as soon as those sources of negative energy (stress, anxiety, the pain of "needing" drugs and not taking them, etc) were in their home, and I mean INSTANTLY, multiple disasters befell my friends... and they had no idea why until I pointed out the cause and effect, because they knew THEY hadn't done anything to produce that sort of negative energy.
2) Some things that happen have nothing to do with anyone's karma: weather, earthquakes, rabid animals, sick people spreading germs, drunks weaving down the freeway, a rogue spark floating away from a nearby chimney, a tumor growing in the brain... these things happen outside of karma's influence, and thus impact our lives, and often the lives of those close to us, regardless of what out karma is like. When something like this affects your life, there's no point in thinking about it over and over, trying to figure out, "But WHY did this happen to ME, what did I do to deserve this?", because there ISN'T any "why," nothing you did was involved, and what you "deserve" is an irrelevant concept; some things just ARE, and your being there when it happened or being the one it happened to is purely the result of random chance. We don't like to hear that, because we like to believe that bad things happen only to those who DO bad things, and thus that we ourselves are immune, but that's pure nonsense; no matter what your belief system is, no matter how you live your life, you are NEVER going to be shielded from being the victim of these sorts of things.
You have the power to change your life. You can choose to stop creating negative energy. You can choose to create positive energy. You can use the power of neutral energy to draw the things you want to you. You can teach those around you to do these things, and ask them to send energy to you while you do it for them. And you can use your intelligence to safeguard yourself and your loved ones as much as possible against those things that are outside of the scope of karma. I know it sounds too simple, maybe even impossible, but I've seen it work with such consistency that I can't see any other explanation than that it DOES work. There's no possible harm in trying it, so... why not give it a shot?
The concept that's most central to the understanding of how the engine of karma works is this one; the widely-held idea that the standard "definition" of karma, "what goes around comes around" (aka "what comes around goes around"), refers to doing good things and getting good things back, and doing bad things and getting bad things back, is WRONG. Karma doesn't see anything as "good" or "bad," any more than gravity, or any other force of nature, thinks and analyzes to arrive at that conclusion. Karma is all about ENERGY. That energy can be:
1) Positive, which can be generated exactly as you'd expect, by giving and loving with a pure heart, and is also created from things like hope, happiness and positive thinking. Positive energy flows back to the one who gives it... and I do mean positive ENERGY is what the giver receives, which might just mean that many people love the giver back, rather than the giver having successes or getting physical rewards. Karma's NOT God, so it doesn't "promise" tangible benefits for good behavior; it just assures that energy flows a certain way. Therefore, sadly, it's possible to be a truly good person, and do endless good deeds, and not have wealth, success or protection from harm, BUT: you'll be safe from having bad karma aimed at you, you'll be very likely to have help appear when trouble strikes, you'll find yourself getting odd "urges" to do things that will end up benefiting you, and you'll be far more likely to receive many of the things you want indirectly, through other people... and that can make an enormous difference in your life. And yes, of course, you probably WILL get the sorts of "rewards" you'd normally associate with "good karma," too, but don't lose hope if it doesn't always work that way; hopelessness is a major block to positive energy (see #2 below), and sometimes the sequence of events necessary to get positive energy to you just plain takes a while.
If you want a successful career and the big $, and you're a good person, karma DOES often tip things in your favor, via what are seen as "lucky breaks," but you still have to work hard and have the talent (and often a solid grasp of "personal politics") to achieve success... don't expect karma to perform miracles. Overall, it IS wildly to your benefit to generate positive energy, so keep doing it... just be realistic about what you'll get in return.
2) Negative: This is where the main confusion lies for most folks; people assume that this just comes from doing wrong, and feeling things like anger, hate, and jealousy... but it ALSO means all other sorts of negative feelings and thoughts, including those that are NOT "bad," such as depression, grief, fear, righteous anger, self-pity, hopelessness and stress. This absence of value judgment by karma is why you see grieving people so often hit with other painful events, why depressives have non-stop bad things outside of their control or influence happening to them, why when you're really sick you get a flood of rotten "luck" to deal with; it's all because the negative energy being radiated draws other negative things.
The major "negative force" is FEAR (including its cousin, anxiety); when you fear that bad things will happen, focus energy and thought on it, you make yourself a MAGNET for bad things to happen... possibly including the thing you fear most. It's thus VERY important to get control of your thoughts, especially emotionally-charged ones, and to exert every effort to block negative thoughts and work through, and then banish, the negative emotions; if you don't, it's heartbreakingly easy to get sunk into a pit of "bad luck" even if you've never harmed a soul. (If clinical depression or chronic anxiety are part of your life, this is another reason you need meds to get these terrible ailments under control.)
Bad people often don't seem to be being "punished" because... well, firstly because karma doesn't punish any more than it rewards, but also because the negative energy going back to the evil-doer is often not in a visible form, the same as it works for positive energy; for example, such a person usually won't have true friendships, love and intimacy if their evil is open, and even if it's secret, the secrecy itself will keep them separate from the rest of humanity, and, in the rare instances where this is not the case, the sociopath is incapable of RECEIVING love, affection, friendship and intimacy-they may play along with it, but it doesn't touch them, as they have no ability to join emotionally with others. Maybe this doesn't sound like much when the evil that's been done is, say, killing, and maybe it's NOT enough, but, then again... to live in the cold, ugly reality of never feeling the warmth and closeness of another human being isn't something you'd be willing to endure yourself, is it? The evildoers can't seem to stand it either, which is why they nearly always WANT to be caught eventually, to be recognized for what they've done, to be seen for who they truly are... to be KNOWN in the way that a normal person is known by their loved ones. In the end, then, indirectly, karma often DOES lead to the evil ones getting punished in addition to the other sufferings it sends them.
I know I don't need to tell you that to avoid bad karma from evil deeds you need to avoid doing evil deeds.
3) Neutral; few people think about this one, but we all SHOULD, because its power is the easiest to harness. When you think alot about a thing, want it, pray for it, meditate over it, daydream about it, that sends out a steady stream of energy in the "form" of the thing you want; that "energy stream" tends to draw the object of your desire to you, sometimes directly, sometimes by giving you opportunities that, IF taken, will get you what you want... and this effect occurs whether you're a good person or a bad one, which is why so many sociopaths, who are usually bad people but are VERY focused, succeed in achieving their goals. If, however, you send out a contradictory energy stream as well, one made of negative thoughts and emotions (especially fears) such as by thinking constantly "I can't ever get that," or "But if I got that, would that mean I'd have to give up this and that?", the 2 streams cancel each other out, and karma has no path left along which to send you the things you want. The other way to slip up in using this energy is to be too specific; for example, when I was looking for a man who'd fulfill a list of specific qualities, as well-meaning folks tell you you should have to focus your search, I couldn't find anyone who I connected with, but as soon as I eliminated the details and changed what I wanted to "a man who loves me and doesn't do criminal or abusive things," I found a man within a month who not only qualified but had qualities that were so rare that I'd have thought it foolish to have had them on my "list," qualities that were worth far more to me than the ones that WERE on the list. (Yes, I'm talking about my husband.)
You can multiply the effect of this energy by having other people sending it out for you, whether in the form of prayer, white light, or just wishing for you really hard; studies have shown that ill people who are prayed for are statistically more likely to recover than those who are NOT prayed for, even when strangers were doing the praying and neither the patients nor the doctors were aware of the prayers, and prayer just means focused thought undertaken with a certainty that those thoughts will lead to a desired result... and the sending of white light and wishing good for another person are the same mental process as payer, just using different wording.
You don't need to have any religious or spiritual beliefs to be able to make this work, though, and even the certainty that it will work, although helpful (because it adds emotion to the thoughts), isn't necessary; all you need is the discipline to send out the correct thoughts over and over, and it can be done by practicing affirmations (which means writing down what you want in a clearly-worded "I statement" 15 times a day) or any other way that fits into your life. I know it seems crazy that something that simple and undramatic could possibly make things happen... it seemed a little odd to me, too, until I tried it and it worked.
There are a couple of other points about karma that are also very important:
1) Karma doesn't exist for each person in a vacuum. If your spouse, child, parents, best friends, even neighbors under some circumstances, have particularly bad or good karma, or strong neutral karma, the things they draw to themselves can and do affect YOU because of your close association with them... and thus, often quite a bit of what happens in your life has nothing to do with your own personal karma, it's just "karma by association" from other people. For example, if your live-in boyfriend does something terrible, and the bad karma he reaps as a result costs him his job, YOU suffer from suddenly having to pay all the bills, and by having to deal with his unemployed, cranky butt, even though you did nothing bad. I have 2 friends who, in a wonderful act of selflessness, have reached out to help some young people who were enduring terrible times, and, as soon as those sources of negative energy (stress, anxiety, the pain of "needing" drugs and not taking them, etc) were in their home, and I mean INSTANTLY, multiple disasters befell my friends... and they had no idea why until I pointed out the cause and effect, because they knew THEY hadn't done anything to produce that sort of negative energy.
2) Some things that happen have nothing to do with anyone's karma: weather, earthquakes, rabid animals, sick people spreading germs, drunks weaving down the freeway, a rogue spark floating away from a nearby chimney, a tumor growing in the brain... these things happen outside of karma's influence, and thus impact our lives, and often the lives of those close to us, regardless of what out karma is like. When something like this affects your life, there's no point in thinking about it over and over, trying to figure out, "But WHY did this happen to ME, what did I do to deserve this?", because there ISN'T any "why," nothing you did was involved, and what you "deserve" is an irrelevant concept; some things just ARE, and your being there when it happened or being the one it happened to is purely the result of random chance. We don't like to hear that, because we like to believe that bad things happen only to those who DO bad things, and thus that we ourselves are immune, but that's pure nonsense; no matter what your belief system is, no matter how you live your life, you are NEVER going to be shielded from being the victim of these sorts of things.
You have the power to change your life. You can choose to stop creating negative energy. You can choose to create positive energy. You can use the power of neutral energy to draw the things you want to you. You can teach those around you to do these things, and ask them to send energy to you while you do it for them. And you can use your intelligence to safeguard yourself and your loved ones as much as possible against those things that are outside of the scope of karma. I know it sounds too simple, maybe even impossible, but I've seen it work with such consistency that I can't see any other explanation than that it DOES work. There's no possible harm in trying it, so... why not give it a shot?
Friday, October 22, 2004
Childless by choice
It used to be that as soon as a boy became a man, he married, and as soon the young couple were wed, they started producing children; even after birth control became commonly available, the first pregnancy of the marriage would still come quickly. These days, though, marriage is coming later and later, especially among professionals and the educated, and procreation is starting later as well... and, increasingly, not happening at all. I look around at my friends, who are all approaching, or into, middle age, and realize that almost none have had kids; the women are either too old now or very close, and so likely never will, and unless the men go after significantly younger women, they won't be producing heirs either. What's going on that has caused such a radical change in what one would expect the % of the members of a group of 40ish people who had children would be, from the 100% of not long ago to nearly 0%?
The societal and family pressures to start procreating used to be intense; even just 100 years ago, the life expectancy was only 45, infant mortality was high, and every extra pair of hands was wanted and needed on the farm, so it made sense to crank out the kids as quickly as possible. Nowadays, though, we have far more years to live, we expect our children to all live, and, perhaps most crucially, not only do we not need more farm laborers in most families, each child now costs a fortune and contributes nothing to the family income. When you add in that most families need both incomes, and that most couples don't have financial flexibility until a later age than previously, and that, unlike in the past when all the family lived nearby to help with babies, the parents are left to either pay for childcare or lose an income because one of them has to stay home with the kid... suddenly, we see that many couples MUST wait to have a child, often until their 30's.
But, how does that lead to NO kids for many people? Part of it is that, given time to think, rather than being stampeded into procreation like they used to be, some couples realize that they don't actually WANT kids, they want careers, travel, and for the best years of their life to be for their own personal enrichment rather than being used to raise kids.... we've discovered what it's like to be adults but NOT to be tied down by either kids or by old age, and many of us are loathe to give that up. An even more powerful "anti-child" effect happens when the 1st person in a couple's circle of acquaintance has a child; they see that the new parents are constantly exhausted, stressed out, broke, busy, can't go anywhere or do anything any more, complain constantly, fight all the time, don't have sex, and have no LIFE outside of the baby... at which point even couples who'd firmly intended to have kids often do a complete 180 and refuse to ever have any. Even if the parents are passionate about parenthood and make it sound like pure bliss, when they get together with friends and the baby screams for hours, drools like he's sprung a leak, throws up, soils an endless stream of diapers, and demands non-stop attention, many prospective parents, who aren't blinded by love for the child into seeing all of this as "fun," freak out and declare themselves unwilling, even unable, to deal with all of that.
Parenthood is undeniably a deeply rewarding experience for some, and for plenty of others the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks; for people without an inner drive to BE parents, though, it can look like an unattractive deal, and the combination of these feelings and birth control has created an astonishing # of people who are childless by choice. Some folks consider this a terrible thing, but *I* say; in an overcrowded world, isn't it better to have fewer children born, and to have them born to parents who really want them, and will raise them with love and joy?
The societal and family pressures to start procreating used to be intense; even just 100 years ago, the life expectancy was only 45, infant mortality was high, and every extra pair of hands was wanted and needed on the farm, so it made sense to crank out the kids as quickly as possible. Nowadays, though, we have far more years to live, we expect our children to all live, and, perhaps most crucially, not only do we not need more farm laborers in most families, each child now costs a fortune and contributes nothing to the family income. When you add in that most families need both incomes, and that most couples don't have financial flexibility until a later age than previously, and that, unlike in the past when all the family lived nearby to help with babies, the parents are left to either pay for childcare or lose an income because one of them has to stay home with the kid... suddenly, we see that many couples MUST wait to have a child, often until their 30's.
But, how does that lead to NO kids for many people? Part of it is that, given time to think, rather than being stampeded into procreation like they used to be, some couples realize that they don't actually WANT kids, they want careers, travel, and for the best years of their life to be for their own personal enrichment rather than being used to raise kids.... we've discovered what it's like to be adults but NOT to be tied down by either kids or by old age, and many of us are loathe to give that up. An even more powerful "anti-child" effect happens when the 1st person in a couple's circle of acquaintance has a child; they see that the new parents are constantly exhausted, stressed out, broke, busy, can't go anywhere or do anything any more, complain constantly, fight all the time, don't have sex, and have no LIFE outside of the baby... at which point even couples who'd firmly intended to have kids often do a complete 180 and refuse to ever have any. Even if the parents are passionate about parenthood and make it sound like pure bliss, when they get together with friends and the baby screams for hours, drools like he's sprung a leak, throws up, soils an endless stream of diapers, and demands non-stop attention, many prospective parents, who aren't blinded by love for the child into seeing all of this as "fun," freak out and declare themselves unwilling, even unable, to deal with all of that.
Parenthood is undeniably a deeply rewarding experience for some, and for plenty of others the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks; for people without an inner drive to BE parents, though, it can look like an unattractive deal, and the combination of these feelings and birth control has created an astonishing # of people who are childless by choice. Some folks consider this a terrible thing, but *I* say; in an overcrowded world, isn't it better to have fewer children born, and to have them born to parents who really want them, and will raise them with love and joy?
Thursday, October 21, 2004
What are we teaching our girls?
We're supposed to be teaching our girls that they can grow up to do anything, that they're going to be the equal of men... but ARE we?
If you take a girl to the doctor, and he's a man, and all the workers in his office are women... and take her to the dentist, and he's man, and all the workers in his office are women.... and you take her along on visits to your doctor and dentist, your lawyer and accountant, and they're all men, and their office workers are all women... what message have you sent her about the relative positions of men and women in the work world?
When both parents work, and when they get home dad plops down on the couch while mom makes dinner, cleans up afterwards, and gets the kids ready for bed... and during the weekend, dad watches ESPN or plays golf while mom runs errands and cleans the house... and mom has sole responsibility to get gifts and cards for everyone they know, even dad's family and friends... and mom's in charge of sewing buttons and wiping noses, while dad handles the finances and fixing the car... what message have they sent their girl about the division of labor between husbands and wives?
If dad watches alot of sports, but all of it is MEN'S sports... what value has he taught the girl to place on female athletes, and on striving athletically?
If mom gets magazines that are full of pics of bone-thin models, and is always on a diet and freaking out about every aspect of her appearance... what has she taught the girl about what a woman looks like and how much energy she should focus on fretting about it?
If, every time a parent's presence is necessary during the workday, it's always mom who shows up... what does that teach the girl about the importance of a woman's career compared to a man's?
If we give a girl baby dolls, fashion dolls, dressup clothes and tea party sets, while the boys get sports equipment, action toys, and toys that are meant for them to build, create and learn... what does that teach the girl about what sort of activities we want her to do later in life?
When a girl's room and clothes are frilly, pastel-y, delicate and princess-ish... what does that teach her about the importance of her being traditionally feminine, as opposed to active and competent?
Women have made enormous strides in the past 50 years, but we have a long way to go to truly be seen as the equals of men within our culture; altering the messages we send our girls about what it means to be female is an important step that we still need to take.
If you take a girl to the doctor, and he's a man, and all the workers in his office are women... and take her to the dentist, and he's man, and all the workers in his office are women.... and you take her along on visits to your doctor and dentist, your lawyer and accountant, and they're all men, and their office workers are all women... what message have you sent her about the relative positions of men and women in the work world?
When both parents work, and when they get home dad plops down on the couch while mom makes dinner, cleans up afterwards, and gets the kids ready for bed... and during the weekend, dad watches ESPN or plays golf while mom runs errands and cleans the house... and mom has sole responsibility to get gifts and cards for everyone they know, even dad's family and friends... and mom's in charge of sewing buttons and wiping noses, while dad handles the finances and fixing the car... what message have they sent their girl about the division of labor between husbands and wives?
If dad watches alot of sports, but all of it is MEN'S sports... what value has he taught the girl to place on female athletes, and on striving athletically?
If mom gets magazines that are full of pics of bone-thin models, and is always on a diet and freaking out about every aspect of her appearance... what has she taught the girl about what a woman looks like and how much energy she should focus on fretting about it?
If, every time a parent's presence is necessary during the workday, it's always mom who shows up... what does that teach the girl about the importance of a woman's career compared to a man's?
If we give a girl baby dolls, fashion dolls, dressup clothes and tea party sets, while the boys get sports equipment, action toys, and toys that are meant for them to build, create and learn... what does that teach the girl about what sort of activities we want her to do later in life?
When a girl's room and clothes are frilly, pastel-y, delicate and princess-ish... what does that teach her about the importance of her being traditionally feminine, as opposed to active and competent?
Women have made enormous strides in the past 50 years, but we have a long way to go to truly be seen as the equals of men within our culture; altering the messages we send our girls about what it means to be female is an important step that we still need to take.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
"He's a Lady"
This hilarious new series started tonight on TBS; the premise is that 11 guys that thought they'd been selected to do some sort of macho-man reality show competition found out that they were actually going to compete to see who can do the best at looking and acting like WOMEN. They had their wives and girlfriends with them for the first part of this episode, and the ladies were told what the premise was before the men were; they were all laughing and cheering and whooping it up, which surprised me a little... oh, I'D think it was a riot if MY husband was going to have to go through all of that, but I didn't realize how universal this particular sort of amusement would be. The men were all taken aback when they were told, but they all agreed to go forward with it... since the prize is $250K.
They started having regrets when they were getting all their body hair waxed off; you never heard so much screaming, lol. They gave them the works, from wigs to falsies to high heels; the final results spanned the full spectrum from utterly gorgeous to lose-your-lunch. The celebrity judges eliminated 4 of them right off, and the rest were taken to where they'll be staying for the duration; an elaborate neon-retro pad called "The Dollhouse." The guys struggled out of their girl garb, complaining all the way, they showed a few clips of them dissing each other, and then they showed some intriguing previews of upcoming episodes... including one where it looks like they made them someone's BRIDESMAIDS.
This show looks like one to watch. :-)
They started having regrets when they were getting all their body hair waxed off; you never heard so much screaming, lol. They gave them the works, from wigs to falsies to high heels; the final results spanned the full spectrum from utterly gorgeous to lose-your-lunch. The celebrity judges eliminated 4 of them right off, and the rest were taken to where they'll be staying for the duration; an elaborate neon-retro pad called "The Dollhouse." The guys struggled out of their girl garb, complaining all the way, they showed a few clips of them dissing each other, and then they showed some intriguing previews of upcoming episodes... including one where it looks like they made them someone's BRIDESMAIDS.
This show looks like one to watch. :-)
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Is ganging up part of human nature?
I was skimming through a new forum today, and found that someone had posted an amazing insight; an astonishing % of reality shows, which we've become virtually obsessed with as a culture, have as part of the structure that some of the participants get together and choose someone to kick out... and that this isn't an accident, but a reflection of how eager we are to see the many turn against the one. Certainly, my years of experience with message boards and such has shown me that some people LIVE to be part of a "gang" acting against a lone victim, and that many other people find it to be great fun to join in on an attack; offline, where they have to look the victims in the eye, such ganging up occurs at a far lower rate... except on the playground, of course, and amongst those adults who are so far down the cultural pecking order that they have to find people to target for abuse to make themselves feel bigger.
I guess the point I'm getting to is that we've ALL seen this dynamic in action, and that means that there's some element of human nature involved at some level; we seem to hold back from participating directly in it in "real life" as adults, for the most part, but that's clearly just due to social conditioning, because the ratings of reality shows tell us how much we LOVE to see the many against the one. I'm not sure what the survival value is of this ugly instinct; perhaps it originated to spur people to drive out from the tribe anyone who was different, at a time when being different probably meant having a physical or behavioral abnormality that could mean defective genes or contagious illness... many animal species act just this way. As is often the case, though, what may have been useful in our caveman days just BITES in the modern world.
I've made it my business to intervene any time I see someone being ganged up on, and to rip new excretory orifices into any who are foolish enough to see ME as a target... and to encourage people to see how wrong it is to watch ganging up without intervening, and how easy it is to kick the attackers' butts-remember, evil is at its base stupid, and usually predictable as well.
This subject brought up a proud memory: In the early part of 7th grade, I was the favored target of abuse from some of the most popular 8th graders; luckily, those kids were all dumber than rocks, as bullies usually are, and I was able to out-think them the very first time they managed to gather a big group around me to try to "get" me. Instinctively grasping that they depended in part on no one actually thinking about what was going on to be able to keep on behaving as they did with no dissent from the other students, I made my first move; making sure I was speaking loudly enough to be heard by all, I asked them what reason they had for singling ME out, assuming that they'd have to make themselves look foolish by giving some lame answer like the then-popular "because you were born," but, as does occasionally happen, they had an actual reason... the leader of the "gang" claimed that it was because, the previous year, when they'd come to hang around the grammar school, I'd supposedly referred to them as "those immature 8th graders." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I saw with awesome clarity that she'd just handed me a way to deal them a crushing blow... all I needed to do was handle it right. I knew immediately what I had to do to manipulate them to where I wanted them to be: The first step was to deny that I'd said any such thing; naturally, they insisted that I had. I responded that I could PROVE that I hadn't said it; as I'd predicted, in their eagerness to have some new avenue from which to attack me, they seized instantly on this concept and started denying that this was possible. Trying my best to hide my incipient triumph, I asked them if, could I in fact prove that I hadn't said it, they would "officially" cease their harassment of me from then on; nudging each other and laughing, wallowing in what they thought was me setting myself up, they agreed that they would. Raising my voice to be sure that none of the by-then VERY large crowd missed what I said, I proclaimed, "You all heard them; they all agreed that if I could prove that I didn't refer to them as 'those immature 8th graders' last year, they're going to leave me alone from now on"; that step was crucial, not only to make sure I had many witnesses, but to make the point to the "gang" that those witnesses were paying attention and would remember. Once I'd verified by the nodding of heads all around me that everyone had heard, I delivered the killing blow; "It's not possible for me to have called them "those immature 8th graders' last year... because last year they were NOT 8th graders, they were 7TH graders, and I would NEVER have referred to them as 8th graders."
The looks on their faces were simply beyond description; they were so blown away that I'd gotten the best of them, and due to their own stupidity, that they were utterly speechless. The crowd got over its collective shock more quickly, and the chatter that arose made it clear that they all agreed that I HAD proven my case... and it was clear that the "gang" saw that too. Sadly, I can no longer remember exactly what they said to me at that point, but it WAS a concession of defeat; I hadn't left them any way to back out without losing a huge amount of face with the entire student body, so they had no choice. From then on, none of them EVER spoke against me again, and, as a bonus, they actually became my defenders, and no one dared pick on me if they were around... they even treated me as a FRIEND. I'd give alot to have been a fly on the wall when they had whatever the discussion was that led to the adoption of these policies; all things considered, though, I came out so far ahead that I can't complain about a few loose ends.
In case you were wondering, it's very likely that I DID refer to the members of that group as immature the year previous to this event; they WERE immature (and not just because they were hanging out at a grammar school with younger kids, either), and, as is typical of the brightest and most mature kids, I DID think of immature kids by just that term... and I can remember my mother saying that about them when I told her about them hanging around, too. It's just as possible that I did NOT say it, though, and that someone just told the older kids that, in an attempt to cause trouble for me, because it was something a kid like me would have been expected to say.
Be that as it may, that was the first time in my life that I was able to deal a defeat like that to what had inarguably been a far more powerful adversary, and was the start of my realization of just how STUPID belligerent types are, how blind to things that should be glaringly obvious, and how easy it is to think circles around them if you understand their psychology. The triumph of that day was the greatest of my life up to that point, far more meaningful to me than all my academic accomplishments put together; nothing that I ever experienced on school grounds gave me better preparation for life than what I learned that day.
I guess the point I'm getting to is that we've ALL seen this dynamic in action, and that means that there's some element of human nature involved at some level; we seem to hold back from participating directly in it in "real life" as adults, for the most part, but that's clearly just due to social conditioning, because the ratings of reality shows tell us how much we LOVE to see the many against the one. I'm not sure what the survival value is of this ugly instinct; perhaps it originated to spur people to drive out from the tribe anyone who was different, at a time when being different probably meant having a physical or behavioral abnormality that could mean defective genes or contagious illness... many animal species act just this way. As is often the case, though, what may have been useful in our caveman days just BITES in the modern world.
I've made it my business to intervene any time I see someone being ganged up on, and to rip new excretory orifices into any who are foolish enough to see ME as a target... and to encourage people to see how wrong it is to watch ganging up without intervening, and how easy it is to kick the attackers' butts-remember, evil is at its base stupid, and usually predictable as well.
This subject brought up a proud memory: In the early part of 7th grade, I was the favored target of abuse from some of the most popular 8th graders; luckily, those kids were all dumber than rocks, as bullies usually are, and I was able to out-think them the very first time they managed to gather a big group around me to try to "get" me. Instinctively grasping that they depended in part on no one actually thinking about what was going on to be able to keep on behaving as they did with no dissent from the other students, I made my first move; making sure I was speaking loudly enough to be heard by all, I asked them what reason they had for singling ME out, assuming that they'd have to make themselves look foolish by giving some lame answer like the then-popular "because you were born," but, as does occasionally happen, they had an actual reason... the leader of the "gang" claimed that it was because, the previous year, when they'd come to hang around the grammar school, I'd supposedly referred to them as "those immature 8th graders." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I saw with awesome clarity that she'd just handed me a way to deal them a crushing blow... all I needed to do was handle it right. I knew immediately what I had to do to manipulate them to where I wanted them to be: The first step was to deny that I'd said any such thing; naturally, they insisted that I had. I responded that I could PROVE that I hadn't said it; as I'd predicted, in their eagerness to have some new avenue from which to attack me, they seized instantly on this concept and started denying that this was possible. Trying my best to hide my incipient triumph, I asked them if, could I in fact prove that I hadn't said it, they would "officially" cease their harassment of me from then on; nudging each other and laughing, wallowing in what they thought was me setting myself up, they agreed that they would. Raising my voice to be sure that none of the by-then VERY large crowd missed what I said, I proclaimed, "You all heard them; they all agreed that if I could prove that I didn't refer to them as 'those immature 8th graders' last year, they're going to leave me alone from now on"; that step was crucial, not only to make sure I had many witnesses, but to make the point to the "gang" that those witnesses were paying attention and would remember. Once I'd verified by the nodding of heads all around me that everyone had heard, I delivered the killing blow; "It's not possible for me to have called them "those immature 8th graders' last year... because last year they were NOT 8th graders, they were 7TH graders, and I would NEVER have referred to them as 8th graders."
The looks on their faces were simply beyond description; they were so blown away that I'd gotten the best of them, and due to their own stupidity, that they were utterly speechless. The crowd got over its collective shock more quickly, and the chatter that arose made it clear that they all agreed that I HAD proven my case... and it was clear that the "gang" saw that too. Sadly, I can no longer remember exactly what they said to me at that point, but it WAS a concession of defeat; I hadn't left them any way to back out without losing a huge amount of face with the entire student body, so they had no choice. From then on, none of them EVER spoke against me again, and, as a bonus, they actually became my defenders, and no one dared pick on me if they were around... they even treated me as a FRIEND. I'd give alot to have been a fly on the wall when they had whatever the discussion was that led to the adoption of these policies; all things considered, though, I came out so far ahead that I can't complain about a few loose ends.
In case you were wondering, it's very likely that I DID refer to the members of that group as immature the year previous to this event; they WERE immature (and not just because they were hanging out at a grammar school with younger kids, either), and, as is typical of the brightest and most mature kids, I DID think of immature kids by just that term... and I can remember my mother saying that about them when I told her about them hanging around, too. It's just as possible that I did NOT say it, though, and that someone just told the older kids that, in an attempt to cause trouble for me, because it was something a kid like me would have been expected to say.
Be that as it may, that was the first time in my life that I was able to deal a defeat like that to what had inarguably been a far more powerful adversary, and was the start of my realization of just how STUPID belligerent types are, how blind to things that should be glaringly obvious, and how easy it is to think circles around them if you understand their psychology. The triumph of that day was the greatest of my life up to that point, far more meaningful to me than all my academic accomplishments put together; nothing that I ever experienced on school grounds gave me better preparation for life than what I learned that day.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Emotional deposits
Joel Osteen put forth an excellent idea today; in order to influence people, to get them to listen to you, to get them to be willing to do things for you, accept constructive criticism from you, and make allowances for you, get into the habit of making a point to talk to people, ask how they're doing, find something to compliment them on... he refers to this as making "emotional deposits." He points out that you can do this in as little as 15 seconds per person, and that those few seconds can make a BIG impression on each recipient.
He also tossed out a little psychology; when you're trying to get someone to change something, they feel defensive, but when you praise them about something, they feel like you're on their side, and their defenses go down... and your input can slip right in. Because it supposedly takes 5 nice comments to make up for one harsh one (where do they get concrete #'s for this stuff, don't you wonder?), for those people you have ongoing relationships with you want to have an "account" with them that's full of positive feedback from you, so that when you have to be negative you can "draw from it" and they'll play along with you when you feel it necessary to be rough on them for inadequate behavior.
This ties into the old idea of "catch your kid/employee/husband doing something good/right and tell them how swell you think they are"; this goes a little farther than what Osteen suggested, because it can take an amazing amount of time and effort to look for something that the sort of screw-up you'd be using this on did well... you're not going to find anything in the 15 seconds it takes to make a simple "deposit." An extreme example: A friend of mine who tried this with her husband spent most of a DAY in teeth-gritted determination to find something to praise him for, however trivial... by which point I don't suppose he felt too rewarded by her exasperated, forced compliment about whatever minuscule thing she found to comment on. MY husband makes a steady stream of mess, walks around covered with more food than a baby's bib, and can't be counted on to flush the toilet 9 times of 10... can you imagine what my life would be like if I had to try to find something to praise HIM for every day, lol? I'll save it for the 1-2 times a year when he makes a gesture that merits it.
Not everyone will be as hard to compliment as a geek husband, though, luckily, so the method should work with most potential recipients; it's certainly worth a try, and will give you some good karma as a bonus if, IF, you can do it with a loving and happy heart (once you start gritting your teeth, you're radiating negative energy and invite BAD karma). As Osteen correctly points out, we get so many negative comments every day that the power of every positive one has become gargantuan... and why not use that power?
He also tossed out a little psychology; when you're trying to get someone to change something, they feel defensive, but when you praise them about something, they feel like you're on their side, and their defenses go down... and your input can slip right in. Because it supposedly takes 5 nice comments to make up for one harsh one (where do they get concrete #'s for this stuff, don't you wonder?), for those people you have ongoing relationships with you want to have an "account" with them that's full of positive feedback from you, so that when you have to be negative you can "draw from it" and they'll play along with you when you feel it necessary to be rough on them for inadequate behavior.
This ties into the old idea of "catch your kid/employee/husband doing something good/right and tell them how swell you think they are"; this goes a little farther than what Osteen suggested, because it can take an amazing amount of time and effort to look for something that the sort of screw-up you'd be using this on did well... you're not going to find anything in the 15 seconds it takes to make a simple "deposit." An extreme example: A friend of mine who tried this with her husband spent most of a DAY in teeth-gritted determination to find something to praise him for, however trivial... by which point I don't suppose he felt too rewarded by her exasperated, forced compliment about whatever minuscule thing she found to comment on. MY husband makes a steady stream of mess, walks around covered with more food than a baby's bib, and can't be counted on to flush the toilet 9 times of 10... can you imagine what my life would be like if I had to try to find something to praise HIM for every day, lol? I'll save it for the 1-2 times a year when he makes a gesture that merits it.
Not everyone will be as hard to compliment as a geek husband, though, luckily, so the method should work with most potential recipients; it's certainly worth a try, and will give you some good karma as a bonus if, IF, you can do it with a loving and happy heart (once you start gritting your teeth, you're radiating negative energy and invite BAD karma). As Osteen correctly points out, we get so many negative comments every day that the power of every positive one has become gargantuan... and why not use that power?
Sunday, October 17, 2004
What does a natural body look like?
Do we even KNOW anymore?
I saw a lovely movie tonight, "Something's Gotta Give," starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton... both of whom appear at least partially nude, despite their ages. My jaw was hanging open when Nicholson's bare butt was on display, not just because he's so famous that you'd never expect him to do such a thing, but because they showed his CELLULITE... and when have you EVER seen cellulite in a movie? Despite the fact that 2/3 of American adults are overweight, and most overweight people have cellulite, and despite the fact that nearly ALL people, even thin and muscular ones, are dimpling by 35, thanks to the magic of makeup and retouching, we never SEE any... and it's easy to forget how overwhelmingly common it is in the real world.
Diane Keaton, in case you're wondering, showed full frontal nudity; the crepiness of her skin was also somewhat of a shock, but I hasten to add that she's kept herself slim and fit, and is small-breasted enough to not be saggy, such that for 57 she looked pretty darned good... but we never SEE someone her age naked, and most of us have no idea what an older body looks like. We only see bodies that are either very youthful, or have been worked on (often via surgery) to LOOK youthful, or are touched up to eliminate any signs of age.
All this got me to thinking, and it reminded me of how amazed I'd been the last time I'd seen, GASP, real breasts in a movie; they look so different from the fake ones that, when you're used to seeing fakes on TV every day, the real ones look... weird somehow. It's not just that the fake ones tend to be far bigger than the real ones, it's that the fake ones are hemispherical rather than the U-shape of the real ones, and the fakes are oddly high on the chest, while the real ones are lower, and the nipples on bigger real ones point down rather than being, er, centered, as they are with fakes. I've read about men being so used to the look of fakes that they don't care for the look of real ones anymore, and about women in consequence asking for implants that look fake (as opposed to at least HOPING they'll look natural)... they have implants available that mimic the natural shape of breasts far more closely, but no one wants them.
And don't get me started on the weight issue; as we as a nation get fatter and fatter, the actresses get skinnier and skinnier... we don't know what a nude woman with hips, a butt, or thighs bigger than a child's looks like these days. A woman is SUPPOSED to have a wide pelvis-it's set up that way to facilitate pregnancy. She's supposed to have enough body fat to keep her fertility and nourish a baby, too... but we're so far detached from reality that we don't even know what the natural size and shape of a woman's body should BE anymore.
As we see MEN increasingly used as sex objects, we're seeing them in various stages of undress more and more often; unfortunately, we're not seeing male bodies that have any connection to nature. When's the last time you saw a man who was being portrayed as a hottie who didn't have bulging pecs and a 6-pack? Does it not occur to anyone that this sort of muscle growth does NOT appear naturally in men, no matter how much manual labor or other physical tasks they do, that only excessive working of selected muscle groups can create what we currently and inexplicably see as the ideal male form? Not to mention that for the muscles to show with such clear definition, the man has to have a freakishly low % of body fat, meaning that he's eating in a way that a man only does when he's trying to show muscle definition, not the way a REAL man eats to give him energy to perform manly tasks. And, most heartbreakingly to me, chest hair, which is as much a part of maleness as breasts are of femaleness, has virtually disappeared... what lunatic thought THAT would be a good idea?
When that rare real body is shown in a movie, I do NOT want to recoil in shock, as if I'd seen a naked ALIEN; I'd like to be able to feel the eroticism that's MEANT to be present when we see any reasonably health nude human body. Instead of seeing the "perfect" bodies on the big screen and feeling like freaks by comparison, why don't we remember that it's the ones with those unnatural bodies that are freaks... WE are the ones that possess what humans from any other time in history would consider attractive bodies.
I saw a lovely movie tonight, "Something's Gotta Give," starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton... both of whom appear at least partially nude, despite their ages. My jaw was hanging open when Nicholson's bare butt was on display, not just because he's so famous that you'd never expect him to do such a thing, but because they showed his CELLULITE... and when have you EVER seen cellulite in a movie? Despite the fact that 2/3 of American adults are overweight, and most overweight people have cellulite, and despite the fact that nearly ALL people, even thin and muscular ones, are dimpling by 35, thanks to the magic of makeup and retouching, we never SEE any... and it's easy to forget how overwhelmingly common it is in the real world.
Diane Keaton, in case you're wondering, showed full frontal nudity; the crepiness of her skin was also somewhat of a shock, but I hasten to add that she's kept herself slim and fit, and is small-breasted enough to not be saggy, such that for 57 she looked pretty darned good... but we never SEE someone her age naked, and most of us have no idea what an older body looks like. We only see bodies that are either very youthful, or have been worked on (often via surgery) to LOOK youthful, or are touched up to eliminate any signs of age.
All this got me to thinking, and it reminded me of how amazed I'd been the last time I'd seen, GASP, real breasts in a movie; they look so different from the fake ones that, when you're used to seeing fakes on TV every day, the real ones look... weird somehow. It's not just that the fake ones tend to be far bigger than the real ones, it's that the fake ones are hemispherical rather than the U-shape of the real ones, and the fakes are oddly high on the chest, while the real ones are lower, and the nipples on bigger real ones point down rather than being, er, centered, as they are with fakes. I've read about men being so used to the look of fakes that they don't care for the look of real ones anymore, and about women in consequence asking for implants that look fake (as opposed to at least HOPING they'll look natural)... they have implants available that mimic the natural shape of breasts far more closely, but no one wants them.
And don't get me started on the weight issue; as we as a nation get fatter and fatter, the actresses get skinnier and skinnier... we don't know what a nude woman with hips, a butt, or thighs bigger than a child's looks like these days. A woman is SUPPOSED to have a wide pelvis-it's set up that way to facilitate pregnancy. She's supposed to have enough body fat to keep her fertility and nourish a baby, too... but we're so far detached from reality that we don't even know what the natural size and shape of a woman's body should BE anymore.
As we see MEN increasingly used as sex objects, we're seeing them in various stages of undress more and more often; unfortunately, we're not seeing male bodies that have any connection to nature. When's the last time you saw a man who was being portrayed as a hottie who didn't have bulging pecs and a 6-pack? Does it not occur to anyone that this sort of muscle growth does NOT appear naturally in men, no matter how much manual labor or other physical tasks they do, that only excessive working of selected muscle groups can create what we currently and inexplicably see as the ideal male form? Not to mention that for the muscles to show with such clear definition, the man has to have a freakishly low % of body fat, meaning that he's eating in a way that a man only does when he's trying to show muscle definition, not the way a REAL man eats to give him energy to perform manly tasks. And, most heartbreakingly to me, chest hair, which is as much a part of maleness as breasts are of femaleness, has virtually disappeared... what lunatic thought THAT would be a good idea?
When that rare real body is shown in a movie, I do NOT want to recoil in shock, as if I'd seen a naked ALIEN; I'd like to be able to feel the eroticism that's MEANT to be present when we see any reasonably health nude human body. Instead of seeing the "perfect" bodies on the big screen and feeling like freaks by comparison, why don't we remember that it's the ones with those unnatural bodies that are freaks... WE are the ones that possess what humans from any other time in history would consider attractive bodies.
