Saturday, January 15, 2005
The BWA
One of my oldest and dearest friends is African-American... except she rejects that term, and prefers "black," so that's what I'll use in this post about her, although usually I use the more PC term. Anyways, she's coined the term "BWA," which stands for "Black Women's Attitude," and she describes it with the following comparison:
A white couple is sitting on the couch. The man asks the woman to go get him a beer, and she says, "Sure, honey."
A black couple is sitting on the couch. The man asks the woman to go get him a beer, and she says, "What's the matter with you, is your leg broken? Get up and get it yourself, and while you're in there get me a soda."
The 2nd example, as you've guessed, is the BWA in action... cool, huh? :-)
My friend has nothing but contempt for what she sees as the wimpiness of many white women, and she considers it her duty to educate everyone about what the PROPER attitude for women is; it's her firm belief that most of the relationship problems of white couples are due to the women having too submissive and agreeable of an attitude, which leads to there NOT being equality. She stresses the importance of NOT being a man's servant or mommy, of making him fetch and carry for himself, and of making sure he's making some sort of effort to look after his woman... and yes, she's over 40 and has been single for years, lol, but she DOES make some good points.
I'm proud to say that *I* embody the BWA, at least to the extent that a non-black woman can; my friend has told me so, and also says that this is part of why we can be such close friends... and I think my being able to have a successful marriage despite not having a submissive bone in my body gives HER hope that this can work long-term other than in theory.
Women of all colors have come a long way in the last 20 years, but we have a long way still to go to be TRULY the equals of men, in their eyes as well as our own; since women work as hard outside the home as men do, it's time for men to work as hard INside the home as women do... and that extends to who should be fetching drinks, which should be whoever thinks of it first, just as is the case when it's 2 friends sitting on the couch.
If you're a woman, the next time a man asks you to do something he should be doing for himself, channel the BWA and get him to stop seeing you as his maid. If you're a man... be afraid, be very afraid. ;-)
A white couple is sitting on the couch. The man asks the woman to go get him a beer, and she says, "Sure, honey."
A black couple is sitting on the couch. The man asks the woman to go get him a beer, and she says, "What's the matter with you, is your leg broken? Get up and get it yourself, and while you're in there get me a soda."
The 2nd example, as you've guessed, is the BWA in action... cool, huh? :-)
My friend has nothing but contempt for what she sees as the wimpiness of many white women, and she considers it her duty to educate everyone about what the PROPER attitude for women is; it's her firm belief that most of the relationship problems of white couples are due to the women having too submissive and agreeable of an attitude, which leads to there NOT being equality. She stresses the importance of NOT being a man's servant or mommy, of making him fetch and carry for himself, and of making sure he's making some sort of effort to look after his woman... and yes, she's over 40 and has been single for years, lol, but she DOES make some good points.
I'm proud to say that *I* embody the BWA, at least to the extent that a non-black woman can; my friend has told me so, and also says that this is part of why we can be such close friends... and I think my being able to have a successful marriage despite not having a submissive bone in my body gives HER hope that this can work long-term other than in theory.
Women of all colors have come a long way in the last 20 years, but we have a long way still to go to be TRULY the equals of men, in their eyes as well as our own; since women work as hard outside the home as men do, it's time for men to work as hard INside the home as women do... and that extends to who should be fetching drinks, which should be whoever thinks of it first, just as is the case when it's 2 friends sitting on the couch.
If you're a woman, the next time a man asks you to do something he should be doing for himself, channel the BWA and get him to stop seeing you as his maid. If you're a man... be afraid, be very afraid. ;-)
Friday, January 14, 2005
The importance of feedback
How do you know what sort of behavior will be considered acceptable in any given situation? From the time you were a tiny child, you were given negative feedback when you behaved incorrectly; I don't mean just scoldings from adults, I mean being teased or laughed at by your peers if your behavior was immature or otherwise foolish... or just outside what your peer group expected of you. Even whether your behavior got smiles or frowns influenced you; frowns, shock, puzzlement, and a variety of other reactions showed you if you were acting improperly. Even more subtle things, body language cues that you didn't even notice consciously, told you whether you were acting "right" or "wrong"... and all of this together taught you how to automatically chose the correct actions, words, tones of voice, and even your own body language for every situation.
Unlike machines, we're not "programmed" forever, though; for example, if you visit another culture for even a week or 2, you may find that you're a little bit "off" when you come back, because you've absorbed different behavior patterns... you may even have picked up a little bit of an accent. Parents who stay home with the kids all day often report not being able to talk easily to adults anymore. People who go to prison have many problems readjusting to life "outside," one of which is having to re-learn how to handle normal social exchanges. Even worse than "reprogramming" from a different situation, though, is the absence of ANY input; people who don't interact significantly with others rapidly lose the ability to behave "properly."
This can lead to more than just not being able to surf along with the right body language; people can even forget what constitutes normal behavior in ANY area... and this can lead to the odd behaviors and attitudes of depressives, who are often very isolated, having little or no social contacts, and, in more severe cases, not working either, and so having NO interaction with human beings other than superficial things like dealing with grocery store clerks and waiters. Once they start being puzzled by why people act the way they do, and unsure of how to respond, they start avoiding social situations, and the problem escalates until they can't even carry on a normal conversation... and this can lead to them being isolated and lonely FOREVER.
Do you know anyone with no friends? Is there any confusion in your mind as to WHY they have no friends? They're probably perfectly nice, but they talk too loud, or don't know how to have social give and take, or they drone on in a monotone, or otherwise just put people off. If it's YOU with no friends, even though you're nice to everyone, this is probably what's happened to you; fear not, it CAN get better, if you're willing to make the effort... I know that, because *I* did it.
As a kid, I was so weird, and thus so socially isolated, that I got to college having no social clue whatsoever; I had to make a conscious effort to observe people and learn to imitate them, to learn social dynamics through sheer memory power and analysis... and I learned that much of it is ugly and unfair, and I've CHOSEN not to adopt some of it, but I AM able to socialize effortlessly in any situation, and people find my toughness and outspokenness entertaining (it doesn't hurt that I can do a fairly clever off-the-cuff standup routine under any circumstances-people will forgive you anything if you can make 'em laugh). Anyone can learn to do it the same way I did, as long as they don't sabotage themselves by believing that they CAN'T.
If an out-of-synch person can't bring themselves to make the effort, they'll end up like the one whose heartbreaking post that I read on a forum inspired this essay; they described their inability to understand what was going on in social situations, and to figure out what to say and how to act... and how desperately lonely they were as a result. Or, worse, they could end up like the "irritating emailer" that I've written about a couple of times recently, who's not only clueless but has convinced himself that it's the badness of everyone on Earth OTHER than him that's the reason he has no friends and can't get a date. Or, worst of all... they could end up like my parents, who, with no real friends, and very little interaction with the rest of the family, became more and more sick and twisted in their thinking, thus forcing me to live under conditions that were farther and farther from the norm, not to mention the acceptable; my mother's sister has told me several times that the greatest regret of her life is that she wasn't around when I was growing up, because it's clear through hindsight that my parents DESPERATELY needed another adult to be involved in their lives day to day, one who could have made an issue of it whenever they were being unfair or unreasonable, or just plain psycho.
If you think you're suffering from lack of feedback, there's no way around it; you have to force yourself to interact with people and learn consciously what's right and wrong by watching what they do and how they respond to you. If you know someone who's like this, find a way to tell them... and offer to help them learn, by being honest (but kind!!) with them about what's "off" about them, and even offering to roleplay with them to allow them to practice socializing. And, if you're a parent, and there aren't any adults who are around you and your kids, seeing how you're raising them, the sorts of rules and standards you impose, etc... no matter how great a job you THINK you're doing, or how high your kids' grades are, or how clean they keep their rooms... find some other parents to network with, just to be sure. AND, if your kids don't seem to be social successes, and they seem to be lonely rather than lonERS... you know what to do.
Unlike machines, we're not "programmed" forever, though; for example, if you visit another culture for even a week or 2, you may find that you're a little bit "off" when you come back, because you've absorbed different behavior patterns... you may even have picked up a little bit of an accent. Parents who stay home with the kids all day often report not being able to talk easily to adults anymore. People who go to prison have many problems readjusting to life "outside," one of which is having to re-learn how to handle normal social exchanges. Even worse than "reprogramming" from a different situation, though, is the absence of ANY input; people who don't interact significantly with others rapidly lose the ability to behave "properly."
This can lead to more than just not being able to surf along with the right body language; people can even forget what constitutes normal behavior in ANY area... and this can lead to the odd behaviors and attitudes of depressives, who are often very isolated, having little or no social contacts, and, in more severe cases, not working either, and so having NO interaction with human beings other than superficial things like dealing with grocery store clerks and waiters. Once they start being puzzled by why people act the way they do, and unsure of how to respond, they start avoiding social situations, and the problem escalates until they can't even carry on a normal conversation... and this can lead to them being isolated and lonely FOREVER.
Do you know anyone with no friends? Is there any confusion in your mind as to WHY they have no friends? They're probably perfectly nice, but they talk too loud, or don't know how to have social give and take, or they drone on in a monotone, or otherwise just put people off. If it's YOU with no friends, even though you're nice to everyone, this is probably what's happened to you; fear not, it CAN get better, if you're willing to make the effort... I know that, because *I* did it.
As a kid, I was so weird, and thus so socially isolated, that I got to college having no social clue whatsoever; I had to make a conscious effort to observe people and learn to imitate them, to learn social dynamics through sheer memory power and analysis... and I learned that much of it is ugly and unfair, and I've CHOSEN not to adopt some of it, but I AM able to socialize effortlessly in any situation, and people find my toughness and outspokenness entertaining (it doesn't hurt that I can do a fairly clever off-the-cuff standup routine under any circumstances-people will forgive you anything if you can make 'em laugh). Anyone can learn to do it the same way I did, as long as they don't sabotage themselves by believing that they CAN'T.
If an out-of-synch person can't bring themselves to make the effort, they'll end up like the one whose heartbreaking post that I read on a forum inspired this essay; they described their inability to understand what was going on in social situations, and to figure out what to say and how to act... and how desperately lonely they were as a result. Or, worse, they could end up like the "irritating emailer" that I've written about a couple of times recently, who's not only clueless but has convinced himself that it's the badness of everyone on Earth OTHER than him that's the reason he has no friends and can't get a date. Or, worst of all... they could end up like my parents, who, with no real friends, and very little interaction with the rest of the family, became more and more sick and twisted in their thinking, thus forcing me to live under conditions that were farther and farther from the norm, not to mention the acceptable; my mother's sister has told me several times that the greatest regret of her life is that she wasn't around when I was growing up, because it's clear through hindsight that my parents DESPERATELY needed another adult to be involved in their lives day to day, one who could have made an issue of it whenever they were being unfair or unreasonable, or just plain psycho.
If you think you're suffering from lack of feedback, there's no way around it; you have to force yourself to interact with people and learn consciously what's right and wrong by watching what they do and how they respond to you. If you know someone who's like this, find a way to tell them... and offer to help them learn, by being honest (but kind!!) with them about what's "off" about them, and even offering to roleplay with them to allow them to practice socializing. And, if you're a parent, and there aren't any adults who are around you and your kids, seeing how you're raising them, the sorts of rules and standards you impose, etc... no matter how great a job you THINK you're doing, or how high your kids' grades are, or how clean they keep their rooms... find some other parents to network with, just to be sure. AND, if your kids don't seem to be social successes, and they seem to be lonely rather than lonERS... you know what to do.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Doctors, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I called the friend I mentioned in yesterday's post, meaning to start prompting her about her health, only to find out, to my intense dismay, that her sweet elderly mother (who recently arrived there for a long visit) was suffering from a headache so bad that she could barely move... and it turns out that she's been having several such headaches a day on and off for MONTHS. Concerned, I asked what the doctor had said, and was disgusted to learn that, although they'd put her through all sorts of tests, including an MRI, they had no idea what the headaches were or what to do about them. Unwilling to accept that this was something unknowable and thus untreatable, I asked my friend to describe the headache episodes; she said that her mother would be fine one minute, and then suddenly be slammed back in her chair from a stabbing pain. I asked if her mother had reported this pain to be on one side of her face, particularly behind the eye; puzzled but playing along, my friend asked her mother and reported back that yes, that was where the pain came, and how had I guessed that? Fighting mounting rage at how the doctors had missed something so basic, I told my friend that what her mother had were cluster headaches... and of course, this possibility had never even been MENTIONED to her mother.
I brought up some info on WebMD about cluster headaches and read it to my friend, who translated for her mother (who understands very little English); any doubts that any of us might have had were eliminated as her mother confirmed that everything discussed applied to her. My friend kept breaking in to thank me over and over for pointing this out to her, so that her poor mother would FINALLY be able to get treated, and her mother expressed her relief also; she's very stoic, but she has been really miserable and hadn't had any hope of relief. I emailed my friend the URL's of the articles I'd found, and told her to print them out and take them to the doctor, so that they didn't get flustered and not communicate clearly; more than enough time has already gone by without the proper treatment being given, and I don't want there to be ANY chance of the doctor not seeing what was going on. My friend said she'd call around and find a doctor to take her mother to tomorrow, and that she'd keep me posted on how things go... let's hope that whoever they take her to knows how to treat the headaches without having to read the WebMD printouts, sigh.
Every time I talk to someone that has a "mystery ailment" that doctors have failed to diagnose that *I* can diagnose in a couple of minutes (and yes, I'm always proven right), it makes my blood boil. We put our trust in doctors, we literally put our lives in their hands, and you can hardly pick up a magazine or turn on the TV without hearing a story about how some poor sick person went through a dozen doctors without getting diagnosed or properly treated... and, when the person is a woman, there's usually going to be some prescriptions for tranquilizers in there from arrogant male doctors who like to save time by assuming that any female complaint that doesn't come along with an arm cut off or other glaring physical problem MUST be their favorite catchall ailment, "female hysteria."
I can see a doctor not being able to hold every rare ailment in their memory, and maybe not being able to read about EVERY new medication or treatment, but American doctors are consistently missing even the most basic diagnoses, and clinging to outdated treatments and less-effective, sometimes potentially dangerous drugs rather than taking the time to make sure that they're doing the best they can for their patients... and with every doctor having computer access, there's absolutely NO excuse for them to not be able to do at least as well at research as *I* do.
If you or someone you love has an illness that either hasn't been diagnosed, or whose diagnosis has led to a treatment that's ineffective, or to NO treatment, go to WebMD and do a search for the major symptoms; do NOT trust the medical community to be doing right by you.
I brought up some info on WebMD about cluster headaches and read it to my friend, who translated for her mother (who understands very little English); any doubts that any of us might have had were eliminated as her mother confirmed that everything discussed applied to her. My friend kept breaking in to thank me over and over for pointing this out to her, so that her poor mother would FINALLY be able to get treated, and her mother expressed her relief also; she's very stoic, but she has been really miserable and hadn't had any hope of relief. I emailed my friend the URL's of the articles I'd found, and told her to print them out and take them to the doctor, so that they didn't get flustered and not communicate clearly; more than enough time has already gone by without the proper treatment being given, and I don't want there to be ANY chance of the doctor not seeing what was going on. My friend said she'd call around and find a doctor to take her mother to tomorrow, and that she'd keep me posted on how things go... let's hope that whoever they take her to knows how to treat the headaches without having to read the WebMD printouts, sigh.
Every time I talk to someone that has a "mystery ailment" that doctors have failed to diagnose that *I* can diagnose in a couple of minutes (and yes, I'm always proven right), it makes my blood boil. We put our trust in doctors, we literally put our lives in their hands, and you can hardly pick up a magazine or turn on the TV without hearing a story about how some poor sick person went through a dozen doctors without getting diagnosed or properly treated... and, when the person is a woman, there's usually going to be some prescriptions for tranquilizers in there from arrogant male doctors who like to save time by assuming that any female complaint that doesn't come along with an arm cut off or other glaring physical problem MUST be their favorite catchall ailment, "female hysteria."
I can see a doctor not being able to hold every rare ailment in their memory, and maybe not being able to read about EVERY new medication or treatment, but American doctors are consistently missing even the most basic diagnoses, and clinging to outdated treatments and less-effective, sometimes potentially dangerous drugs rather than taking the time to make sure that they're doing the best they can for their patients... and with every doctor having computer access, there's absolutely NO excuse for them to not be able to do at least as well at research as *I* do.
If you or someone you love has an illness that either hasn't been diagnosed, or whose diagnosis has led to a treatment that's ineffective, or to NO treatment, go to WebMD and do a search for the major symptoms; do NOT trust the medical community to be doing right by you.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
A friend's birthday
A friend of mine has a birthday coming up soon, and, with the preparations starting to be made, it prompted me to take a look at her and her life... and it sorta scares me.
When I met her about 15 years ago, she was fairly slim; then, she married a moron, decided that she had to eat as much as he did even though he was a big man (don't ask me why, she just came up with that out of the blue), and, as you might expect, ballooned up to VERY overweight in the year they were together. She exercised and lost a decent amount of weight after he left her, and maintained that long enough to get a new man; then, she started gaining it back, in large part because she stopped exercising... and then they got married, and she started gaining faster... and then she started taking some of those diet pills that eventually got pulled for causing heart attacks, on which she lost weight only to regain it once she was off the pills because she wasn't exercising or eating right. THEN, she had a kid, and the woman who had a trim, lovely figure 15 years ago is now a virtual BALL, with no muscle tone and who knows what sorts of nutritional deficiencies from her poor eating habits and refusal to take vitamins; with a career and an active toddler to care for, she declares herself unable to exercise or eat right, EVER, with no end in sight. She's in her late 30's now, and already has to take medication for high blood pressure; she has diabetes, thyroid disease (which she's already had problems with) and heart trouble in her family... what's her health prognosis? How could she let herself turn into a health crisis looking for a place to happen? This is an intelligent, college-educated woman, who's read all the same articles on health and nutrition that I have throughout the years; what's made her so careless about her health?
I know, it's easy to be in denial about this sort of thing, until that first heart attack or whatever gives the wakeup call... but she's let herself go in the areas that women usually care about, too. She's the only woman past 30 I've ever met who uses NO moisturizer on her face; she airily informed me that yeah, her skin was dry, but she scrubbed off the FLAKES in the shower and that was good enough. Between this, and her utter contempt for sunscreen (which leaves her burning her face badly at least once per summer, despite all the warnings about skin cancer), her skin is rough and coarse, and deeply lined FAR in excess of her age; I'm afraid that she's going to take a good look one day, freak out, and the next thing I know she'll be getting lifted and peeled and who knows what, at great risk, to try to make up for years and years of neglect.
She's also prematurely graying, and has gotten more and more careless about touching it up; she used to care about that, about not looking like an old woman, and now it's as if she can't be bothered... as if she still sees the same young woman she used to be when she looks in the mirror, not the woman who looks a decade older than she is. Granted, how her hair (or face) looks is trivial compared to the risks she's taking with her health, but it seems to be part of an overall attitude of "so what?" about her physical self, as if, once she got married and it turned out to be "for real" (as opposed to the earlier one that was a thankfully short-lived mistake), she could treat her body any old way and it wouldn't matter.
And it gets even worse; her finances are a wreck, too. Although she and her husband make good $, because they bought a ridiculously large house with a gigantic mortgage, always have payments on 2 expensive cars because they give a car up for a newer model as soon as it's paid for, or even before, and they're always "treating themselves" to trips, they sometimes don't have $ for essentials; how can a couple that earns into the 6 figures between them run out of $ for FOOD, or to buy things for their child? Needless to say, they aren't saving one penny towards retirement, or their kid's college education, or even for emergencies, like if one of them loses their job; they're one missed paycheck away from hunger and homelessness. They have such a mountain of debt that, unless they win the lottery, they'll NEVER get out from under; they'll hit retirement with debt and social security checks.
The sad thing of it is, none of these problems are uncommon in America today; most Americans are careless with their health, are overweight, and have disastrous finances... it's just so freaky that someone close to me, who was a kid hanging out at heavy metal shows with me, and who KNOWS better, has become one of the sort of people that dismayed articles are written about, you know the type, "Americans Getting Fatter Every Year," "Americans Don't Exercise," "Americans Don't Get Proper Nutrition," "Americans Abuse Credit"... if I'd been a little less fanatical, a little less anal, about these sorts of things, once I got married, would *I* have gotten lazy and careless and ended up like her?
I've sat here staring at the screen, feeling bad, for half an hour, and I've decided that I'm going to give her an added gift for her birthday; I'm going to try to get her to change some little piece of this... her health is probably the safest one to go for. Her father died of heart disease, and I'm going to talk to her about how easily she could end up like him if she doesn't exercise and eat better; she'll resist, but as her friend I HAVE to be willing to face her with the hard truths. I don't want to be crying at her funeral in 10 years, wishing I'd tried to help while I had the chance; I'm going to try to help her NOW.
Is there anyone in YOUR life who sounds like my friend? If so, make it a belated new year's resolution to try to encourage them to start making things better; they may get cranky with you, but the good karma will make it worthwhile.
When I met her about 15 years ago, she was fairly slim; then, she married a moron, decided that she had to eat as much as he did even though he was a big man (don't ask me why, she just came up with that out of the blue), and, as you might expect, ballooned up to VERY overweight in the year they were together. She exercised and lost a decent amount of weight after he left her, and maintained that long enough to get a new man; then, she started gaining it back, in large part because she stopped exercising... and then they got married, and she started gaining faster... and then she started taking some of those diet pills that eventually got pulled for causing heart attacks, on which she lost weight only to regain it once she was off the pills because she wasn't exercising or eating right. THEN, she had a kid, and the woman who had a trim, lovely figure 15 years ago is now a virtual BALL, with no muscle tone and who knows what sorts of nutritional deficiencies from her poor eating habits and refusal to take vitamins; with a career and an active toddler to care for, she declares herself unable to exercise or eat right, EVER, with no end in sight. She's in her late 30's now, and already has to take medication for high blood pressure; she has diabetes, thyroid disease (which she's already had problems with) and heart trouble in her family... what's her health prognosis? How could she let herself turn into a health crisis looking for a place to happen? This is an intelligent, college-educated woman, who's read all the same articles on health and nutrition that I have throughout the years; what's made her so careless about her health?
I know, it's easy to be in denial about this sort of thing, until that first heart attack or whatever gives the wakeup call... but she's let herself go in the areas that women usually care about, too. She's the only woman past 30 I've ever met who uses NO moisturizer on her face; she airily informed me that yeah, her skin was dry, but she scrubbed off the FLAKES in the shower and that was good enough. Between this, and her utter contempt for sunscreen (which leaves her burning her face badly at least once per summer, despite all the warnings about skin cancer), her skin is rough and coarse, and deeply lined FAR in excess of her age; I'm afraid that she's going to take a good look one day, freak out, and the next thing I know she'll be getting lifted and peeled and who knows what, at great risk, to try to make up for years and years of neglect.
She's also prematurely graying, and has gotten more and more careless about touching it up; she used to care about that, about not looking like an old woman, and now it's as if she can't be bothered... as if she still sees the same young woman she used to be when she looks in the mirror, not the woman who looks a decade older than she is. Granted, how her hair (or face) looks is trivial compared to the risks she's taking with her health, but it seems to be part of an overall attitude of "so what?" about her physical self, as if, once she got married and it turned out to be "for real" (as opposed to the earlier one that was a thankfully short-lived mistake), she could treat her body any old way and it wouldn't matter.
And it gets even worse; her finances are a wreck, too. Although she and her husband make good $, because they bought a ridiculously large house with a gigantic mortgage, always have payments on 2 expensive cars because they give a car up for a newer model as soon as it's paid for, or even before, and they're always "treating themselves" to trips, they sometimes don't have $ for essentials; how can a couple that earns into the 6 figures between them run out of $ for FOOD, or to buy things for their child? Needless to say, they aren't saving one penny towards retirement, or their kid's college education, or even for emergencies, like if one of them loses their job; they're one missed paycheck away from hunger and homelessness. They have such a mountain of debt that, unless they win the lottery, they'll NEVER get out from under; they'll hit retirement with debt and social security checks.
The sad thing of it is, none of these problems are uncommon in America today; most Americans are careless with their health, are overweight, and have disastrous finances... it's just so freaky that someone close to me, who was a kid hanging out at heavy metal shows with me, and who KNOWS better, has become one of the sort of people that dismayed articles are written about, you know the type, "Americans Getting Fatter Every Year," "Americans Don't Exercise," "Americans Don't Get Proper Nutrition," "Americans Abuse Credit"... if I'd been a little less fanatical, a little less anal, about these sorts of things, once I got married, would *I* have gotten lazy and careless and ended up like her?
I've sat here staring at the screen, feeling bad, for half an hour, and I've decided that I'm going to give her an added gift for her birthday; I'm going to try to get her to change some little piece of this... her health is probably the safest one to go for. Her father died of heart disease, and I'm going to talk to her about how easily she could end up like him if she doesn't exercise and eat better; she'll resist, but as her friend I HAVE to be willing to face her with the hard truths. I don't want to be crying at her funeral in 10 years, wishing I'd tried to help while I had the chance; I'm going to try to help her NOW.
Is there anyone in YOUR life who sounds like my friend? If so, make it a belated new year's resolution to try to encourage them to start making things better; they may get cranky with you, but the good karma will make it worthwhile.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Bad behavior online
One of the people I contacted the first day of the year turned out to have bought into some pitiful conspiracy theories; as is usually the case with this sort of deluded person, he wanted to suck ME into his fantasy world, and the 1st thing he told me, as "proof" of his nonsense, was that a certain sort of journalism course was no longer being taught at ANY accredited college in this country, in order, supposedly, to keep people from learning how to do research... I did a search, and, as you might expect, in a few seconds I had proof that MANY colleges were offering that exact sort of class, including big ones like Harvard and Yale. I pointed this out to my friend, and his response was that he'd specified that no ACCREDITED college was offering these classes; MY response was that these colleges WERE accredited, and why had he ignored the reference to Yale and Harvard, which he knew perfectly well ARE accredited? This man, who had been writing me at least once a day and gushing about how happy he was to be talking to me again, has not written to me since; does he think that by not deigning to reply, that somehow negated the fact that I'd disproven the core of his conspiracy idea, or is he just too embarrassed to contact me again? I may never know; either way, it's pretty darned rude of him to just vanish like that.
Remember the "irritating emailer," who I ranted about on 12-3-04? He behaved badly enough on the forum we were both on that he had to leave; as too may clueless people do, he put up a bunch of weird, unpleasant posts to get attention, and then, when people responded in the normal human way, he pronounced himself the victim and all of them bad people... sigh. He made an issue to me about how people needed to BE friends to earn the friendship of others, and, with no further risk existing of him causing me problems on the forum, I told him that yes, it WAS important to BE a friend to earn friendship... and that HE needed to learn that more than anyone on that forum, because he'd been inundating me with endless emails full of paragraphs of details about his woodworking projects, although I'd made it clear that I know nothing about tools and such, with the rest being an endless wah-wah-wah about his self-created problems... and no hint of interest about ME, my thoughts, my feelings, my LIFE, and that this was the OPPOSITE of treating someone like a friend. I declared my unwillingness to continue being his wailing wall unless he started showing evidence of wanting to actually form a friendship with me... and HE hasn't written me ever again either, lol; I don't know if HE was too embarrassed, too, or if he's told himself that I'm another one of the terrible people in the world who won't engage in one-way emotional exchanges with him... at least I'm finally RID OF HIM, and of his UNfriendly emails!!
Then, on the forum we'd met on, a newbie engaged in classic troublemaker behavior; she churned out a bunch of posts, insulting people left and right, and then, when folks started responding, and FAR more politely than she deserved, she went crazy, posting all over the forum that she was being attacked, victimized and threatened, that she was being singled out and persecuted, and that, and these are 2 VERY clear signs of a troublemaker, (1) she had been made so ill by the horrible treatment she'd received that she'd had to start taking medication, and (2) she "knew the law" and would take legal action against the forum if people didn't stop disagreeing with her and protesting her many nasty comments. As always, people who'd SEEN the entire hooraw and SHOULD have known better started apologizing to her and trying to make her feel better... BUT, some people DID, miraculously, stick to their guns and keep reminding her that SHE had started it, that HER behavior had been insulting and offensive from her first post, and that SHE therefore was the one at fault and had nothing to complain about. WOOHOO!! After half a decade online, I see a glimmer of hope that people are catching a clue!! :-)
Remember the "irritating emailer," who I ranted about on 12-3-04? He behaved badly enough on the forum we were both on that he had to leave; as too may clueless people do, he put up a bunch of weird, unpleasant posts to get attention, and then, when people responded in the normal human way, he pronounced himself the victim and all of them bad people... sigh. He made an issue to me about how people needed to BE friends to earn the friendship of others, and, with no further risk existing of him causing me problems on the forum, I told him that yes, it WAS important to BE a friend to earn friendship... and that HE needed to learn that more than anyone on that forum, because he'd been inundating me with endless emails full of paragraphs of details about his woodworking projects, although I'd made it clear that I know nothing about tools and such, with the rest being an endless wah-wah-wah about his self-created problems... and no hint of interest about ME, my thoughts, my feelings, my LIFE, and that this was the OPPOSITE of treating someone like a friend. I declared my unwillingness to continue being his wailing wall unless he started showing evidence of wanting to actually form a friendship with me... and HE hasn't written me ever again either, lol; I don't know if HE was too embarrassed, too, or if he's told himself that I'm another one of the terrible people in the world who won't engage in one-way emotional exchanges with him... at least I'm finally RID OF HIM, and of his UNfriendly emails!!
Then, on the forum we'd met on, a newbie engaged in classic troublemaker behavior; she churned out a bunch of posts, insulting people left and right, and then, when folks started responding, and FAR more politely than she deserved, she went crazy, posting all over the forum that she was being attacked, victimized and threatened, that she was being singled out and persecuted, and that, and these are 2 VERY clear signs of a troublemaker, (1) she had been made so ill by the horrible treatment she'd received that she'd had to start taking medication, and (2) she "knew the law" and would take legal action against the forum if people didn't stop disagreeing with her and protesting her many nasty comments. As always, people who'd SEEN the entire hooraw and SHOULD have known better started apologizing to her and trying to make her feel better... BUT, some people DID, miraculously, stick to their guns and keep reminding her that SHE had started it, that HER behavior had been insulting and offensive from her first post, and that SHE therefore was the one at fault and had nothing to complain about. WOOHOO!! After half a decade online, I see a glimmer of hope that people are catching a clue!! :-)
Monday, January 10, 2005
The tragic misuse of " 's"
If you're writing about more than one cat, what word do you use? If you said "cat's".......... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
When did we as Americans forget how to do a simple plural? Why have we collectively decided to add an " ' " before every "s" when we make a plural, as if adding that extra character somehow gave us added benefit? This is NOT an alternate spelling, it's WRONG, plain and simple, and it drives me CRAZY... especially since I've seen it so often now that I sometimes automatically pluralize with " 's" even though I know better-I HOPE I catch them all in the editing phase of posting, sigh.
In case I'm not being clear, when we're taking about more than one dog:
dogs = right
dog's = WRONG
The " 's" ending IS valid for its actual, proper usage; showing possession. Thus, if we're talking about a ball belonging to a dog, we'd say "the dog's ball." Where's the confusion here? Why is it so difficult to tell that from making a plural?
The passion for putting " 's" instead of "s" has gotten to the point of screwing up VERBS, too; I've seen many verbs corrupted to, for example, "want's" instead of the correct "wants," and, most horrifically of all, "go's" instead of "goes" and "no's" instead of "knows." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The one area where things are a little iffy is when pluralizing "initial words"; is it "DVDs" or "DVD's"? The highest authority on this is generally held to be the Chicago Manual of Style, and they said:
"And while it is true that, following paragraph 7.16, we would add an apostrophe to form the plurals of abbreviations having more than one period, resulting in G.I.'s, we prefer GI, the plural of which is written GIs, no apostrophe."
which I found here:
http://www.press.uchicago.edu/Misc/Chicago/cmosfaq/cmosfaq.Plurals.html
So, the plural is formed differently depending on whether or not you put the periods after each letter? This seems silly to me; I was taught to use " 's" with "initial words," which in those days we were ALWAYS supposed to use the periods with, and just because it's become common usage to NOT use the periods any more, I see no reason to alter that, especially as just about everyone does it too... it just looks WRONG to have initials with a lowercase "s" tacked on the end.
I know this isn't the biggest issue with online posting, as there are countless people who spell so badly that you're not even sure what they're saying half the time (you know it's gotten bad when you see perfect spelling and automatically assume the writer is a NON-native speaker of English), not to mention the "hip" way young people use creative spellings and abbreviations for everything such that you don't know what THEY'RE saying either, but... it's gotten so bad that I had to edit several words in this very post that *I* had blindly typed in wrong, and I do NOT want my subconscious confused about something this simple. If YOU'VE been using " 's" to pluralize, please, please, STOP!!
When did we as Americans forget how to do a simple plural? Why have we collectively decided to add an " ' " before every "s" when we make a plural, as if adding that extra character somehow gave us added benefit? This is NOT an alternate spelling, it's WRONG, plain and simple, and it drives me CRAZY... especially since I've seen it so often now that I sometimes automatically pluralize with " 's" even though I know better-I HOPE I catch them all in the editing phase of posting, sigh.
In case I'm not being clear, when we're taking about more than one dog:
dogs = right
dog's = WRONG
The " 's" ending IS valid for its actual, proper usage; showing possession. Thus, if we're talking about a ball belonging to a dog, we'd say "the dog's ball." Where's the confusion here? Why is it so difficult to tell that from making a plural?
The passion for putting " 's" instead of "s" has gotten to the point of screwing up VERBS, too; I've seen many verbs corrupted to, for example, "want's" instead of the correct "wants," and, most horrifically of all, "go's" instead of "goes" and "no's" instead of "knows." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The one area where things are a little iffy is when pluralizing "initial words"; is it "DVDs" or "DVD's"? The highest authority on this is generally held to be the Chicago Manual of Style, and they said:
"And while it is true that, following paragraph 7.16, we would add an apostrophe to form the plurals of abbreviations having more than one period, resulting in G.I.'s, we prefer GI, the plural of which is written GIs, no apostrophe."
which I found here:
http://www.press.uchicago.edu/Misc/Chicago/cmosfaq/cmosfaq.Plurals.html
So, the plural is formed differently depending on whether or not you put the periods after each letter? This seems silly to me; I was taught to use " 's" with "initial words," which in those days we were ALWAYS supposed to use the periods with, and just because it's become common usage to NOT use the periods any more, I see no reason to alter that, especially as just about everyone does it too... it just looks WRONG to have initials with a lowercase "s" tacked on the end.
I know this isn't the biggest issue with online posting, as there are countless people who spell so badly that you're not even sure what they're saying half the time (you know it's gotten bad when you see perfect spelling and automatically assume the writer is a NON-native speaker of English), not to mention the "hip" way young people use creative spellings and abbreviations for everything such that you don't know what THEY'RE saying either, but... it's gotten so bad that I had to edit several words in this very post that *I* had blindly typed in wrong, and I do NOT want my subconscious confused about something this simple. If YOU'VE been using " 's" to pluralize, please, please, STOP!!
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Becoming a mystic
There are a slew of things that are commonly done among the deeply spiritual folks of many faiths to achieve greater spiritual wisdom, and, since my ultimate goal is to reach the highest level of understanding, I figured I'd give this stuff some thought and see what I can work on:
1) Using mind-altering substances; this is standard among the so-called "primitive" peoples, and in some Native American "nations," but, as much as I respect their greater spiritual grasp, my guess is that these things bring on hallucinations rather than actual spiritual insights... either way, though, I'm not willing to try them-I won't even drink alcohol or coffee.
2) Fasting; I've been hungry to one degree or another for over 20 YEARS, I've been so hungry that I've been virtually paralyzed by it, and I've never achieved an altered state... which is a bummer, because I'm good at fasting.
3) Meditation; I'm pretty good at this one, too-2 minutes and I'm half asleep... which is great if you're meditating to relax, but useless if you're trying to achieve higher consciousness.
4) Celibacy; I'm married, so, er... ;-)
5) Prayer; I don't have anyone to pray TO.
6) Transcendence through intense suffering; I've seen this one so many times, and I always have a visceral reaction to it, to the way it truly does seem to send people to a different place, mentally and perhaps spiritually... I wish that I could do it, but I'm trapped by the pitiful fear of pain that permeates American culture. If I'd been born 10 years or so later, and to parents who saw me as a unique individual who should be allowed some self-expression rather than as a prisoner, I might have gotten into piercing and tattoos, and then been able to make the leap to, say, suspending from hooks, but I'm guessing that that sort of thing will forever be beyond me; at the rate my bursitis is worsening, I may end up testing this one out involuntarily, but that's about it.
7) Sleep deprivation; another one I'm good at... but it makes me psycho, not more spiritually insightful.
8) Giving up worldly possessions; on the one hand, I'm not as hooked on "stuff" as most people... I've had the same car for 2 decades even though I could have a new one at any time, I wear thrift store clothes even though I can afford designer versions, I only wear ONE pair of shoes, I don't own a cell phone, MP3 player, or any other gadgets; I sound practically un-American, huh, lol? However, I didn't have many toys as a kid, and what little I had was pretty crummy, so now I have a bunch of 'em (mostly collectable-type things, although I DO have some that I "play" with), and won't give 'em up no matter what.
9) Living in poverty; been there, done that.
10) Spending great amounts of time totally alone; ditto.
Sigh... it just doesn't seem like I'm cut out for this mystic thing, does it? Still, I'm stuck with it, so I'll just keep plodding along... and hope that karma will send me a way to accelerate the process.
1) Using mind-altering substances; this is standard among the so-called "primitive" peoples, and in some Native American "nations," but, as much as I respect their greater spiritual grasp, my guess is that these things bring on hallucinations rather than actual spiritual insights... either way, though, I'm not willing to try them-I won't even drink alcohol or coffee.
2) Fasting; I've been hungry to one degree or another for over 20 YEARS, I've been so hungry that I've been virtually paralyzed by it, and I've never achieved an altered state... which is a bummer, because I'm good at fasting.
3) Meditation; I'm pretty good at this one, too-2 minutes and I'm half asleep... which is great if you're meditating to relax, but useless if you're trying to achieve higher consciousness.
4) Celibacy; I'm married, so, er... ;-)
5) Prayer; I don't have anyone to pray TO.
6) Transcendence through intense suffering; I've seen this one so many times, and I always have a visceral reaction to it, to the way it truly does seem to send people to a different place, mentally and perhaps spiritually... I wish that I could do it, but I'm trapped by the pitiful fear of pain that permeates American culture. If I'd been born 10 years or so later, and to parents who saw me as a unique individual who should be allowed some self-expression rather than as a prisoner, I might have gotten into piercing and tattoos, and then been able to make the leap to, say, suspending from hooks, but I'm guessing that that sort of thing will forever be beyond me; at the rate my bursitis is worsening, I may end up testing this one out involuntarily, but that's about it.
7) Sleep deprivation; another one I'm good at... but it makes me psycho, not more spiritually insightful.
8) Giving up worldly possessions; on the one hand, I'm not as hooked on "stuff" as most people... I've had the same car for 2 decades even though I could have a new one at any time, I wear thrift store clothes even though I can afford designer versions, I only wear ONE pair of shoes, I don't own a cell phone, MP3 player, or any other gadgets; I sound practically un-American, huh, lol? However, I didn't have many toys as a kid, and what little I had was pretty crummy, so now I have a bunch of 'em (mostly collectable-type things, although I DO have some that I "play" with), and won't give 'em up no matter what.
9) Living in poverty; been there, done that.
10) Spending great amounts of time totally alone; ditto.
Sigh... it just doesn't seem like I'm cut out for this mystic thing, does it? Still, I'm stuck with it, so I'll just keep plodding along... and hope that karma will send me a way to accelerate the process.
