Friday, December 11, 2009
Yes, there's more
You know what your subconscious mind does, right? It controls literally thousands of different things all over your body, from your heartbeat to your hormones, in addition to handling your memories and dreams, processing the raw data from your senses into a form your conscious mind can handle, and on and on. It's like an incredibly complex machine, running according to consistent rules and requiring no direct input from the conscious mind. Keep that in mind, you'll need it later.
I had a dream last night that I received an email from the perpetrators of The Bad Thing. The unusual name of the one person involved who tried to be a little bit helpful was in the subject line along with a key word for this issue. The From field contained the last name of a friend of my mother's, and I instantly associated the name with that woman; she is remarkable in that she's the only person outside of my family who EVER managed to thwart my mother when she was trying to screw me over. Is this a sign that the latest person I've contacted about TBT will do the same with the person in their office who seems to have taken a similar personal glee in using their little bit of power to screw me over... or is it just something my brain cooked up as wishful thinking? Only time will tell.
On the Divine front: I asked again today for the joy I should be feeling, that a normal person would be feeling, when suddenly confronted with God, and I got it; although physically and mentally exhausted, I got that joyful exhilaration again, so much so that I actually laughed out loud... the feeling was so amazing that quite frankly if this IS insanity rather than divine intervention I can totally see now why people sink into madness. (Just fyi, no mania, no rapid-fire talking, no frenzied activity, no urges to do impulsive things, have accompanied these feelings of joy; I haven't suddenly become bipolar, and I haven't felt or acted "high.")
I'd asked God over the last couple of days if Jesus was real too, and if so were they part of the same being, separate, did they "work together," etc. Today, my husband, who knows NOTHING about all this, was going to pick up a calendar for me...:
Him: I'll get you one with Jesus or NASCAR on it.
Me: WHAT? Why would you say that?
Him: You normally get puppies or kittens, so I was suggesting something you wouldn't want.
Me: Why would you think of JESUS? {NASCAR makes sense because I laugh at him for watching it}
Him: I don't know. He'll watch you.
Me: WHAT?
Him: In the shower
Me: !!!!!!!!!! Are you remembering my dream about God being in the shower? {which I recently posted about}
Him: Huh? No.
Eerie, but not conclusive. A couple of hours later, I was in fact in the shower, talking out loud to God. I told him I wanted to know Him, know His nature. I asked him what His connection was to karma, "Are YOU karma? Did you create it?". I paused to put my head under the shower head, and
(karma is God's unconscious mind)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S IT!! It makes perfect sense!! Karma behaves exactly like our unconscious minds do!! And God is supposed to have made us in His image!! That doesn't mean the old man in a bathrobe type image, there's no humanoid body somewhere that contains God's essence, it means that among other things he gave us a double-layered mind like He has!! The feeling of joy came back even stronger than before, and some of the sense of wonder I'd asked for came as well. It was so powerful that I was literally gasping for breath.
Was this a further escalation of insanity, or did God send me an answer and also the ability to FEEL, to feel what a normal person would if they had this sort of experience?
The joy and exhilaration didn't fade, they kept going on; it was far beyond anything I've ever experienced. I admitted out loud that it was a little overwhelming, felt a little odd, almost uncomfortable in its foreignness, but I begged Him to not take it away, because I gladly accepted a little discomfort to be able to FEEL. I couldn't help analyzing the feeling, because my nature hasn't changed, and I noticed that, while such happiness and excitement as I'm capable of always feels somewhat like anxiety, with a jittery edge to it, this feeling of joy was PURE, jitter- and anxiety-free.
Have I REALLY learned a part of the nature of God, over-simplified of course and distorted by the need to use human words and ideas for something superhuman and beyond human ability to understand more than a little bit of, but... HAVE I?
Do I sound crazy? I'll reiterate that no one in my life has noticed anything amiss with me. I'm still doing my work and the other myriad tasks of life with nothing to suggest an impaired mind. I self-examine constantly, searching for anything OTHER than the spiritual stuff that looks even remotely out of whack, and can't find anything. I'm not on meds of any kind, and I don't so much as drink a glass of wine with dinner much less consume anything hallucinatory. This is either a very focused, selective and intense psychosis... or it's HAPPENING.
I had a dream last night that I received an email from the perpetrators of The Bad Thing. The unusual name of the one person involved who tried to be a little bit helpful was in the subject line along with a key word for this issue. The From field contained the last name of a friend of my mother's, and I instantly associated the name with that woman; she is remarkable in that she's the only person outside of my family who EVER managed to thwart my mother when she was trying to screw me over. Is this a sign that the latest person I've contacted about TBT will do the same with the person in their office who seems to have taken a similar personal glee in using their little bit of power to screw me over... or is it just something my brain cooked up as wishful thinking? Only time will tell.
On the Divine front: I asked again today for the joy I should be feeling, that a normal person would be feeling, when suddenly confronted with God, and I got it; although physically and mentally exhausted, I got that joyful exhilaration again, so much so that I actually laughed out loud... the feeling was so amazing that quite frankly if this IS insanity rather than divine intervention I can totally see now why people sink into madness. (Just fyi, no mania, no rapid-fire talking, no frenzied activity, no urges to do impulsive things, have accompanied these feelings of joy; I haven't suddenly become bipolar, and I haven't felt or acted "high.")
I'd asked God over the last couple of days if Jesus was real too, and if so were they part of the same being, separate, did they "work together," etc. Today, my husband, who knows NOTHING about all this, was going to pick up a calendar for me...:
Him: I'll get you one with Jesus or NASCAR on it.
Me: WHAT? Why would you say that?
Him: You normally get puppies or kittens, so I was suggesting something you wouldn't want.
Me: Why would you think of JESUS? {NASCAR makes sense because I laugh at him for watching it}
Him: I don't know. He'll watch you.
Me: WHAT?
Him: In the shower
Me: !!!!!!!!!! Are you remembering my dream about God being in the shower? {which I recently posted about}
Him: Huh? No.
Eerie, but not conclusive. A couple of hours later, I was in fact in the shower, talking out loud to God. I told him I wanted to know Him, know His nature. I asked him what His connection was to karma, "Are YOU karma? Did you create it?". I paused to put my head under the shower head, and
(karma is God's unconscious mind)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S IT!! It makes perfect sense!! Karma behaves exactly like our unconscious minds do!! And God is supposed to have made us in His image!! That doesn't mean the old man in a bathrobe type image, there's no humanoid body somewhere that contains God's essence, it means that among other things he gave us a double-layered mind like He has!! The feeling of joy came back even stronger than before, and some of the sense of wonder I'd asked for came as well. It was so powerful that I was literally gasping for breath.
Was this a further escalation of insanity, or did God send me an answer and also the ability to FEEL, to feel what a normal person would if they had this sort of experience?
The joy and exhilaration didn't fade, they kept going on; it was far beyond anything I've ever experienced. I admitted out loud that it was a little overwhelming, felt a little odd, almost uncomfortable in its foreignness, but I begged Him to not take it away, because I gladly accepted a little discomfort to be able to FEEL. I couldn't help analyzing the feeling, because my nature hasn't changed, and I noticed that, while such happiness and excitement as I'm capable of always feels somewhat like anxiety, with a jittery edge to it, this feeling of joy was PURE, jitter- and anxiety-free.
Have I REALLY learned a part of the nature of God, over-simplified of course and distorted by the need to use human words and ideas for something superhuman and beyond human ability to understand more than a little bit of, but... HAVE I?
Do I sound crazy? I'll reiterate that no one in my life has noticed anything amiss with me. I'm still doing my work and the other myriad tasks of life with nothing to suggest an impaired mind. I self-examine constantly, searching for anything OTHER than the spiritual stuff that looks even remotely out of whack, and can't find anything. I'm not on meds of any kind, and I don't so much as drink a glass of wine with dinner much less consume anything hallucinatory. This is either a very focused, selective and intense psychosis... or it's HAPPENING.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A message, and more help, from God
Oh yes, there's more. After yesterday's events, when I went to bed last night I talked to God about it all, reiterating my gratitude, my need for help with The Bad Thing, and, finally, my absolute willingness to do whatever He wants of me in return. I assumed I was done, and was turning my weary mind towards sleep, when
(spiritual blog)
there it was, just those 2 quiet words out of the blue and into my head. I've never considered such a thing, or any other secondary blog, so it sure doesn't feel like something my mind made up. Does that constitute proof that this WASN'T some random nonsense from my own brain? No. Combined with all this other stuff, though, the pattern is unmistakable. I gave my word to Him to create that blog and put in it whatever He sends my way... probably later in the month when business is slowest and I've had time to catch my breath and open myself fully to Divine messages. I'll keep you posted. WHY would God want me to make this new blog? I have no idea, unless there's someone out there who needs to read whatever will be posted there, or maybe even several someones, or... it doesn't matter, I'll do it, and then see what happens.
And there's even more: In my rambling discourse to God after my too-few hours of sleep, I asked for help again to be calm this day, and also for the ability to feel some of the joy I should be feeling under the current circumstances. He DID keep me surprisingly calm, not perfectly so throughout a long and stressful day but darned close... and when I noticed an anxious edge forming I'd ask to be calm and it would ebb away again. After I'd been up a few hours, I noticed something odd; a new emotional state was upon me. I'm so emotionally retarded that I literally have to analyze what my emotional state must be, because even positive emotions like excitement feel very much like agitation or even anxiety; I felt energized, I felt upbeat, I felt... cheerful... HAPPY, and you have no idea how RARE that is for me, and trust me that there was nothing in particular to be happy ABOUT today, it's not like something great happened and it MADE me happy, I wasn't even thinking about receiving help from God and getting a belated reaction to that when the happiness came, I was just working away and a high level of happiness stole over me apropos of nothing... and this buoyant happiness is the Omni version of joy, the closest I've ever gotten to it. Amazing!!
Again, could I have some psychosis that's turning off my anxiety at will and creating joy out of nothing? A psychosis that doesn't prevent me from working with my usual efficiency, and hasn't made any changes in my behavior that anyone has noticed? That'd be an awfully intense, but very selective, psychosis... and I ain't buyin' it.
I can't wait to see what's next...
(spiritual blog)
there it was, just those 2 quiet words out of the blue and into my head. I've never considered such a thing, or any other secondary blog, so it sure doesn't feel like something my mind made up. Does that constitute proof that this WASN'T some random nonsense from my own brain? No. Combined with all this other stuff, though, the pattern is unmistakable. I gave my word to Him to create that blog and put in it whatever He sends my way... probably later in the month when business is slowest and I've had time to catch my breath and open myself fully to Divine messages. I'll keep you posted. WHY would God want me to make this new blog? I have no idea, unless there's someone out there who needs to read whatever will be posted there, or maybe even several someones, or... it doesn't matter, I'll do it, and then see what happens.
And there's even more: In my rambling discourse to God after my too-few hours of sleep, I asked for help again to be calm this day, and also for the ability to feel some of the joy I should be feeling under the current circumstances. He DID keep me surprisingly calm, not perfectly so throughout a long and stressful day but darned close... and when I noticed an anxious edge forming I'd ask to be calm and it would ebb away again. After I'd been up a few hours, I noticed something odd; a new emotional state was upon me. I'm so emotionally retarded that I literally have to analyze what my emotional state must be, because even positive emotions like excitement feel very much like agitation or even anxiety; I felt energized, I felt upbeat, I felt... cheerful... HAPPY, and you have no idea how RARE that is for me, and trust me that there was nothing in particular to be happy ABOUT today, it's not like something great happened and it MADE me happy, I wasn't even thinking about receiving help from God and getting a belated reaction to that when the happiness came, I was just working away and a high level of happiness stole over me apropos of nothing... and this buoyant happiness is the Omni version of joy, the closest I've ever gotten to it. Amazing!!
Again, could I have some psychosis that's turning off my anxiety at will and creating joy out of nothing? A psychosis that doesn't prevent me from working with my usual efficiency, and hasn't made any changes in my behavior that anyone has noticed? That'd be an awfully intense, but very selective, psychosis... and I ain't buyin' it.
I can't wait to see what's next...
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
More evidence of God... or insanity
Yesterday, I was reading, and I got... an awareness that I might be being watched. NOT a feeling of BEING watched, just that awareness. I've never had that sort of awareness before... and there's only one choice as to who might be watching me.
Today, I was in the car with my husband, and saw an "In God We Trust" bumper sticker. It occurred to me to wonder; since trust is based on the belief that someone will always do the right thing, and no one's life is so charmed that everything that happens to them is "right" by whatever their definition of that is, meaning that God isn't always doing the right thing and therefore shouldn't actually BE trusted... and I felt the words catch in my throat. I went ahead and blurted it all out anyways, along with some other ideas concerning what exactly God is even "able" to intervene in given things like free will and how Mother Nature seems to have been set in motion and left to run blindly, smiting the good and the evil equally, and that maybe what we're supposed to trust Him for is the strength, courage and insight to do what's best for us. I said it because, assuming that there IS a God and He IS paying special attention to me currently, there's no reason to think He wants me to suddenly eliminate a basic aspect of my personality and stop analyzing how He might operate. In other words, I don't think God tried to keep me from analyzing, but that some under-layer of my brain that... suspects that I AM being monitored... and is still primed after all these years to signal me to potential trouble with an authority was trying to protest the questioning thereof.
Could those things merely be symptoms of my mind becoming unhinged? Absolutely; I've never for a moment lost sight of that. Still, these are totally new experiences, and the more that happen to me the less likely it seems that I've just gone quietly crazy, because if I was having this much psychosis wouldn't someone have noticed something WRONG with me by now?
Here's the big one: I had a high level of anxiety today, due to a higher than usual level of extreme busyness, a trip to the dentist, and The Bad Thing, which had had an additional bump in the road. I wasn't even able to eat a real dinner, I just had soup. Finally, I said out loud, "Please make me calm." And the anxiety immediately started damping down, reaching a level low enough that I WAS calm, and have remained so in the hours since then.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing remotely like that has EVER happened in my long history of anxiety. Is it possible that my mind created this miraculous assistance as part of a psychosis? I honestly don't know. I've never heard of anything like that happening, but that doesn't mean it couldn't. But... to ask for help and to get it instantly like that... even withOUT all the other stuff, that's awfully powerful evidence in my mind of divine intervention.
I'd been having a new thought recently, that, contrary to what I've always believed, maybe there's something that's sentient to some degree and with some amount of power to affect events that's part of karma, and maybe that could account for what I've been experiencing, that I've somehow become tied more tightly to it and thus been able to get more powerful effects... but that idea, although intriguing, could obviously no longer explain all that I've experienced.
At this point I'm either literally crazy, losing touch with reality so completely that I'm imagining that my anxiety can and did vanish with a wish, or, for some reason beyond my understanding, God is making major attempts to help me... towards what end I can't imagine.
Today, I was in the car with my husband, and saw an "In God We Trust" bumper sticker. It occurred to me to wonder; since trust is based on the belief that someone will always do the right thing, and no one's life is so charmed that everything that happens to them is "right" by whatever their definition of that is, meaning that God isn't always doing the right thing and therefore shouldn't actually BE trusted... and I felt the words catch in my throat. I went ahead and blurted it all out anyways, along with some other ideas concerning what exactly God is even "able" to intervene in given things like free will and how Mother Nature seems to have been set in motion and left to run blindly, smiting the good and the evil equally, and that maybe what we're supposed to trust Him for is the strength, courage and insight to do what's best for us. I said it because, assuming that there IS a God and He IS paying special attention to me currently, there's no reason to think He wants me to suddenly eliminate a basic aspect of my personality and stop analyzing how He might operate. In other words, I don't think God tried to keep me from analyzing, but that some under-layer of my brain that... suspects that I AM being monitored... and is still primed after all these years to signal me to potential trouble with an authority was trying to protest the questioning thereof.
Could those things merely be symptoms of my mind becoming unhinged? Absolutely; I've never for a moment lost sight of that. Still, these are totally new experiences, and the more that happen to me the less likely it seems that I've just gone quietly crazy, because if I was having this much psychosis wouldn't someone have noticed something WRONG with me by now?
Here's the big one: I had a high level of anxiety today, due to a higher than usual level of extreme busyness, a trip to the dentist, and The Bad Thing, which had had an additional bump in the road. I wasn't even able to eat a real dinner, I just had soup. Finally, I said out loud, "Please make me calm." And the anxiety immediately started damping down, reaching a level low enough that I WAS calm, and have remained so in the hours since then.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing remotely like that has EVER happened in my long history of anxiety. Is it possible that my mind created this miraculous assistance as part of a psychosis? I honestly don't know. I've never heard of anything like that happening, but that doesn't mean it couldn't. But... to ask for help and to get it instantly like that... even withOUT all the other stuff, that's awfully powerful evidence in my mind of divine intervention.
I'd been having a new thought recently, that, contrary to what I've always believed, maybe there's something that's sentient to some degree and with some amount of power to affect events that's part of karma, and maybe that could account for what I've been experiencing, that I've somehow become tied more tightly to it and thus been able to get more powerful effects... but that idea, although intriguing, could obviously no longer explain all that I've experienced.
At this point I'm either literally crazy, losing touch with reality so completely that I'm imagining that my anxiety can and did vanish with a wish, or, for some reason beyond my understanding, God is making major attempts to help me... towards what end I can't imagine.
