Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Beware of anyone who
In my post of 3-29-06, I promised to start sharing with you a list I've compiled of things to look out for in people's behavior and attitude that are red flags; I'm sorry it's taken me so long to follow up on that post... I don't know where 2 whole months have gone to, it feels more like 2 weeks. In my original post I outlined my intention to describe red flags specific to the psychology of leaders and followers, but having re-read the list I've decided to include those things that are general red flags as well... I might as well go all the way with this if I'm gonna do it.
The list is still in a semi-raw state, but it's roughly ordered such that the red flags to look for in someone who's trying to initiate or intensify a relationship with you come 1st, and I'll stick to that; be forewarned that alot of these points are conceptually similar, but I've found that people understand better when they see each case and variation stated separately, so that's how it's written. I hope the way the list is formatted doesn't confuse anyone; it looked silly when I had "Beware of anyone who" written on each line, so I switched to having it implied. If you think I'm being melodramatic by saying "beware," keep in mind that these red flags mean that the people showing them are about to mistreat you, or are bad people who'll get around to mistreating you sooner or later (usually sooner), or are so messed up, because of clinical depression or other reasons, that at best they'll become black holes into which all your time and emotional energy will be sucked if you don't grit your teeth and push them away, and at worst they'll repay your attempts at friendship in the usual way they do with relationships they can't handle or understand... by turning on you like rabid dogs. I've witnessed every single one of these "bewares" over and over, and I truly mean it when I tell you that if you encounter one of them you need to take it VERY seriously... before it's too late. With no further ado:
Beware of anyone who:
1) Is over 20 and has no friends.
Lots of people end up friendless in childhood because of stupid things like their being fat or shy, but anyone who's been an adult for more than a couple of years and hasn't been able to find friendships with adults either is at the very least seriously lacking in social skills, and thus won't know how to BE a friend... and you can't TEACH them how even if they swear they want to learn, trust me.
2) Has no LIFE.
This one's even worse; folks who're passionate about their careers, or their art, or SOMETHING, may still be interesting and worthwhile to know even if they wouldn't make good friends per se, but anyone who's just drifting through a joyless existence looking for a lifeline to grab has serious issues.
3) Is “fighting” with a mutual friend or acquaintance and is suddenly eager to be YOUR best friend.
They haven't suddenly, coincidentally, developed an intense interest in you; they're doing it because they know it will hurt the other person to see you getting closer to "the enemy," and that it'll make them look like the more popular combatant, and thus somehow in the right, to other observers... and as a bonus they're hoping you'll openly take their side because of this newfound chumminess and join their battle against the other person. This is dirty fighting... and nice people don't do it.
4) Showers you with attention and affection, especially if they start soon after you meet them (with the obvious exception of prospective romantic partners).
Normal people don't gush over their friends, and certainly not over near-strangers; a person who does so is either a clueless depressive trying to "bribe" you into befriending them or a manipulator who has something they intend to use you for if they can succeed in luring you into their circle.
5) From the moment you meet, seems to REALLY want to be your friend, although you have little or nothing in common and you don’t share their desire to become buddies.
They either have a hidden agenda that's not for your benefit, or they clutch onto anyone who says a kind word to them, which means they've got emotional problems (and probably no friends in the bargain).
6) When they barely know you, offers you the sorts of gifts and/or favors that are only appropriate for family and close friends (especially if they do this for other near-strangers too).
Someone who does these kinds of things is NOT being sweet and generous, and they're not trying to help you, in fact they're not thinking of your needs at all; this is the most pitiful, blatant type of attempt to gain friendship via bribery, and indicates crushingly low self-esteem and all the emotional problems that go with it.
7) Gives total trust to strangers (including you when you are a stranger to them), especially if they see it as “proof” of how “nice” they are.
Giving trust indiscriminately is a sign of being STUPID, not nice. Normal, healthy people give trust gradually, as it's EARNED; people who see giving trust as a shortcut to emotional intimacy, or plain don't understand how trust is supposed to work, have never had any real friends, and lack the ability to change that, no matter what they tell you.
8) Proclaims extreme love, closeness and eternal friendship too soon, or based on nothing.
This is either the same sort of problem as the trust issue or an attempt to dazzle you into thinking they're far more important to you than they are, as a prelude to manipulation.
9) Blankets you with “pity me” stories.
This is one of the sick ways a depressive will try to persuade people to be nice to them; they never grasp that pity is NOT the basis for a friendship.
10) Is relentlessly negative, and hasn't just has a death in the family or other major tragedy.
Someone like this is either a naturally negative person with no clue how unpleasant they are to others or is a hard-core depressive.
I hope that gives you some food for thought; there'll be more soon.
I'll leave you with a bit of humor: A couple of days ago, my husband inexplicably suggested that *I* should move some heavy planters on our patio; when I pointed out that I wouldn't be able to budge them a millimeter, much less totally change their positions, he replied in a tone of great victimization (poor baby, having to move things that HE could move easily with one hand) that I acquired "superhuman strength" only when I was mad at him... this is a SLIGHT exaggeration, but I DO manage to perform feats while enraged (regardless of the target of said rage) that seem far beyond what anyone my size could have done. Now here's the funny part; mimicking me, he said, "Here I am, spinning a Buick on my little finger..." I started laughing... "... whacking my husband in the head with it on each rotation..." I laughed harder... "... because it makes such a nice HOLLOW sound"... by which point I was SCREAMING with laughter, and kept on laughing until tears were pouring down my face and my stomach hurt.
I don't suppose anyone else will find that QUITE as funny as I did, lol, but I still can't even think about it without cracking up; of such moments is a happy marriage made.
The list is still in a semi-raw state, but it's roughly ordered such that the red flags to look for in someone who's trying to initiate or intensify a relationship with you come 1st, and I'll stick to that; be forewarned that alot of these points are conceptually similar, but I've found that people understand better when they see each case and variation stated separately, so that's how it's written. I hope the way the list is formatted doesn't confuse anyone; it looked silly when I had "Beware of anyone who" written on each line, so I switched to having it implied. If you think I'm being melodramatic by saying "beware," keep in mind that these red flags mean that the people showing them are about to mistreat you, or are bad people who'll get around to mistreating you sooner or later (usually sooner), or are so messed up, because of clinical depression or other reasons, that at best they'll become black holes into which all your time and emotional energy will be sucked if you don't grit your teeth and push them away, and at worst they'll repay your attempts at friendship in the usual way they do with relationships they can't handle or understand... by turning on you like rabid dogs. I've witnessed every single one of these "bewares" over and over, and I truly mean it when I tell you that if you encounter one of them you need to take it VERY seriously... before it's too late. With no further ado:
Beware of anyone who:
1) Is over 20 and has no friends.
Lots of people end up friendless in childhood because of stupid things like their being fat or shy, but anyone who's been an adult for more than a couple of years and hasn't been able to find friendships with adults either is at the very least seriously lacking in social skills, and thus won't know how to BE a friend... and you can't TEACH them how even if they swear they want to learn, trust me.
2) Has no LIFE.
This one's even worse; folks who're passionate about their careers, or their art, or SOMETHING, may still be interesting and worthwhile to know even if they wouldn't make good friends per se, but anyone who's just drifting through a joyless existence looking for a lifeline to grab has serious issues.
3) Is “fighting” with a mutual friend or acquaintance and is suddenly eager to be YOUR best friend.
They haven't suddenly, coincidentally, developed an intense interest in you; they're doing it because they know it will hurt the other person to see you getting closer to "the enemy," and that it'll make them look like the more popular combatant, and thus somehow in the right, to other observers... and as a bonus they're hoping you'll openly take their side because of this newfound chumminess and join their battle against the other person. This is dirty fighting... and nice people don't do it.
4) Showers you with attention and affection, especially if they start soon after you meet them (with the obvious exception of prospective romantic partners).
Normal people don't gush over their friends, and certainly not over near-strangers; a person who does so is either a clueless depressive trying to "bribe" you into befriending them or a manipulator who has something they intend to use you for if they can succeed in luring you into their circle.
5) From the moment you meet, seems to REALLY want to be your friend, although you have little or nothing in common and you don’t share their desire to become buddies.
They either have a hidden agenda that's not for your benefit, or they clutch onto anyone who says a kind word to them, which means they've got emotional problems (and probably no friends in the bargain).
6) When they barely know you, offers you the sorts of gifts and/or favors that are only appropriate for family and close friends (especially if they do this for other near-strangers too).
Someone who does these kinds of things is NOT being sweet and generous, and they're not trying to help you, in fact they're not thinking of your needs at all; this is the most pitiful, blatant type of attempt to gain friendship via bribery, and indicates crushingly low self-esteem and all the emotional problems that go with it.
7) Gives total trust to strangers (including you when you are a stranger to them), especially if they see it as “proof” of how “nice” they are.
Giving trust indiscriminately is a sign of being STUPID, not nice. Normal, healthy people give trust gradually, as it's EARNED; people who see giving trust as a shortcut to emotional intimacy, or plain don't understand how trust is supposed to work, have never had any real friends, and lack the ability to change that, no matter what they tell you.
8) Proclaims extreme love, closeness and eternal friendship too soon, or based on nothing.
This is either the same sort of problem as the trust issue or an attempt to dazzle you into thinking they're far more important to you than they are, as a prelude to manipulation.
9) Blankets you with “pity me” stories.
This is one of the sick ways a depressive will try to persuade people to be nice to them; they never grasp that pity is NOT the basis for a friendship.
10) Is relentlessly negative, and hasn't just has a death in the family or other major tragedy.
Someone like this is either a naturally negative person with no clue how unpleasant they are to others or is a hard-core depressive.
I hope that gives you some food for thought; there'll be more soon.
I'll leave you with a bit of humor: A couple of days ago, my husband inexplicably suggested that *I* should move some heavy planters on our patio; when I pointed out that I wouldn't be able to budge them a millimeter, much less totally change their positions, he replied in a tone of great victimization (poor baby, having to move things that HE could move easily with one hand) that I acquired "superhuman strength" only when I was mad at him... this is a SLIGHT exaggeration, but I DO manage to perform feats while enraged (regardless of the target of said rage) that seem far beyond what anyone my size could have done. Now here's the funny part; mimicking me, he said, "Here I am, spinning a Buick on my little finger..." I started laughing... "... whacking my husband in the head with it on each rotation..." I laughed harder... "... because it makes such a nice HOLLOW sound"... by which point I was SCREAMING with laughter, and kept on laughing until tears were pouring down my face and my stomach hurt.
I don't suppose anyone else will find that QUITE as funny as I did, lol, but I still can't even think about it without cracking up; of such moments is a happy marriage made.
