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Saturday, January 16, 2010

A new feeling, success and failure

I was talking to God in the shower yesterday (it seems to be becoming a habit), and I asked him to allow me to feel joy again like He had before... and then found myself asking instead to feel His presence, His love, for Him to fill me up so I wouldn't be an empty shell emotionally like I so often am. I felt something starting, and was assuming it'd be some version of the joy He'd given me before, but it was different. I felt... overwhelmed, although nothing had happened for me to be overwhelmed BY, I didn't feel emotion and then get overwhelmed by it, I went right to feeling overwhelmed. I felt breathless, although I was breathing normally, and an attempt at a deep breath worked normally, so I was in no way actually short of breath or having breathing problems. I felt a little light-headed and dizzy, a little disoriented; I had to steady myself against the shower door when I turned around. As I typically have to do when I have strong feelings, I was trying to analyze it and figure out WHAT I was feeling; as when I had the "joy experiences," I noted that I had none of the undercurrent of jitteriness and anxiety that always accompanies all but my most trivial emotional states.

It has only belatedly occurred to me as I'm writing this that I SHOULD have been saying something appropriate like "Is that You? Is it really You?" or "I feel You!!" or... SOMETHING to make that connection complete... I should have given myself over to it rather than analyzing it... can't you envision God slapping His (metaphorical) forehead and groaning "What a dork!!"? {sigh} Assuming He allows me another shot at this, and given His extraordinary patience with me all the YEARS He waited for me to finally respond to His knocking by opening the door I think He will, I'll try to react more like a sane person SHOULD when...

Well, when WHAT? What WAS that I was feeling? I don't know. It went on for at least 5 minutes, during which I remember saying several times "I'm overwhelmed, but I accept that, I can handle it, please let me keep feeling it." It was either a strong emotion I've never previously experienced (some version of religious ecstasy I have to assume), or an emotion-like physical response to... in fact being "filled" by God. I tried to analyze it, and failed, which makes it even worse that I didn't try to embrace the feeling and connect with Him... which makes me want to slap MY forehead and groan.

So: He's still with me, He's still trying to connect with me... but my inexperience in dealing with matters both religious and intensely emotional is making it a bit of a rocky road.

// This fascinating tidbit was posted @ 1/16/2010 05:04:00 PM