Friday, October 06, 2006
The Beware List, Part 4
The purpose of the Beware List is to warn you if someone in your life is evil, sociopathic, a manipulator, out to get you (or some other innocent party), or so messed up that they could cause problems at any moment; to read entries 1-30, see my posts of 5-31-06, 7-6-06 and 8-31-06. Beware of anyone who:
31) Has inconsistencies in their stories (no matter HOW tired, sick, stressed or upset they are).
This is an easy one; if they can't keep their stories straight, they're LYING. When you call them on it, they'll try to claim that it's because they're tired (etc), but, while mental or emotional duress might cause you to have to struggle to remember things clearly, it WON'T cause you to rattle off a different version of a story every time you tell it... and, an HONEST person will be apologetic if you point out that they got it wrong; only a DIShonest person reacts to being caught out by arguing.
32) Describes an event in their lives with a weird and excessive degree of detail (often speaking more rapidly and/or at a higher pitch than usual), especially if in response to a query on your part as to their actions.
In every culture, there's an amount of description that's normal and expected for any sort of story we tell; if a person gives what seems like too much info, particularly irrelevant info, that's a sure sign of a lie being told. Yes, sometimes honest people describe events at length (*I* do, obviously), but we can tell the difference between someone endlessly describing the new hottie they met, or trying to put across a factual topic with as much thoroughness as possible, and someone who babbles on about the color of the seats and what kinds of shirts everyone was wearing at the movie they supposedly went to when all you asked them was how said movie was.
33) Describes situations where they say they’ve been mistreated by others, but it’s clear that THEY were the ones in the wrong.
This is someone with no idea whatsoever about how to judge right and wrong, or who's responsible for what happens, so they use the most terrifying yardstick of all, how they WANTED things to be; if it doesn't end up that way, they truly believe that everyone else involved was responsible and in the wrong, and were probably bad people as well... and naturally, they think it's permissible to treat "bad" people like dirt.
34) Can’t seem to let go of past hurts, and goes on and on about them at every opportunity, even months or YEARS later.
The not being able to let go part means that they're depressive and obsessive; their going on about it might be because whatever's in their head just comes pouring out of their mouth, or because they're trying for attention and sympathy (and usually hoping it'll magically morph into liking and friendship)... or, worst of all, because it's all being faked by a manipulator who wants you to see them as a poor, pitiful creature who's totally incapable of whatever evil they're plotting.
35) Has demands or expectations of you that make them seem more like a jealous lover than a friend.
A friend NEVER expects you to circle your life around them, forsaking all others, not so much as glancing at anyone without their approval; if a supposed friend is acting that way, and they're NOT trying to become romantically involved with you, it means that they're a manipulator who's hoping to isolate you from everyone else so as to have total control over you, at which point they can mistreat you at will. If you protest any part of this process, you'll get melodramatic accusations that you're betraying or rejecting them, and threats that they'll drop you; they expect you to realize that you have no other real friends anymore, or none not under THEIR power, and cave in... and if you do, you'll be their virtual slave for as long as they choose to keep you around.
36) Only wants to talk about themselves, never about YOU (even when major things are going on in your life).
Friendship is a 2-way street; anyone who wants you to ride down the one-way road to Themsville is not only NOT your friend, they're either a belligerent depressive who's become convinced that their misery entitles them to be the non-stop center of attention, a manipulator in the final stages of using you (when they can no longer be bothered to even TRY to make it look like they care or are giving you anything), a jealous turd who gets "revenge" on you for your superior life by refusing to talk about it, or just a bad person who's dropped the pretense of pleasantness they used to trick you into befriending them.
37) Someone who’s known them longer and/or better describes as being very different from how YOU perceive them, ESPECIALLY if you’re warned about potential bad behavior (if the describer is an EX-friend or -lover, seek objective verification).
This is another easy one; no, it does NOT mean that you and only you know the "real them," it means that they've completely fooled you with a fake persona. Needless to say, they haven't done it to benefit you in some way; they've done it because they dislike you and are planning to slam you, or are using you (or intend to), or are just a sociopath who enjoys periodically messing with people's heads.
38) Suddenly starts badmouthing someone you KNOW has been nothing but nice to them.
It's possible that they're acting ugly because they're just plain evil, but it's also possible that they're a clueless depressive who's enraged because the target didn't act the way they fantasized they should, or that they're a manipulator trying to do what they do best in order to "get" the target, or that they're being used as a pawn by a master manipulator as part of a strategy against the target... in any of these cases, get as far away from them as possible, REMEMBER that they did this, warn your friends about them, and make sure the victim gets told what's going on.
39) Is suddenly eager to convince YOU how bad someone is, with no mention of a (non-trivial) wrongdoing of theirs or a fight between the 2 of them.
This is similar to the previous case, but it's scarier because there's no possibility of it being a depressive or garden-variety unpleasant person spouting off; it's too sneaky, focused and methodical, and your not knowing those involved well enough to be sure how their relationship has been means that the goal of the would-be convincer (or their "master") is to "get" some innocent person so thoroughly that they won't have ANYONE on their side in your entire social arena. Try to find out who all is involved in this (it's usually a group), and be VERY afraid of those people... and make sure that everyone you care about in your joint social circle is too, and that they're all told what's going on, including the target.
40) Descends upon you with one or more sidekicks and launches a combined effort to convince you of how bad someone is, and they're not providing a proven, serious wrongdoing from the target as their reason.
This is similar to the previous 2, and is the scariest of all, because they're willing to act openly as a group, and have taken time out of their lives to discuss and plan how to manipulate YOU as a team... people who are THAT organized, dedicated, confident and ruthless belong in the Mafia, NOT anywhere near you and your friends. They'll usually only feel the need for this maximum level of persuasion when the target is someone you're close to, so they might try to portray it as a "relationship intervention" intended to get you away from a dangerous character; the reality is that when people are willing to go to THAT much effort and risk (if they screw up, it's certain that you'll tell people about their scam), it's very likely that there's more to it than trying to "get" someone they dislike... they, or at least one of them, may be guilty of some major wrongdoing that the target knows about, so they're hoping to "discredit the witness" (evildoers instinctively know to go for the preemptive strike). In addition to the advice from the previous 2 entries, try to find out what the unknown wrongdoing is; they wouldn't be involving you if it won't impact you or a loved/liked one.
As always, I hope reading this will help you understand some past interpersonal problems, and avoid some future ones; remember, they can only get you if you LET them.
31) Has inconsistencies in their stories (no matter HOW tired, sick, stressed or upset they are).
This is an easy one; if they can't keep their stories straight, they're LYING. When you call them on it, they'll try to claim that it's because they're tired (etc), but, while mental or emotional duress might cause you to have to struggle to remember things clearly, it WON'T cause you to rattle off a different version of a story every time you tell it... and, an HONEST person will be apologetic if you point out that they got it wrong; only a DIShonest person reacts to being caught out by arguing.
32) Describes an event in their lives with a weird and excessive degree of detail (often speaking more rapidly and/or at a higher pitch than usual), especially if in response to a query on your part as to their actions.
In every culture, there's an amount of description that's normal and expected for any sort of story we tell; if a person gives what seems like too much info, particularly irrelevant info, that's a sure sign of a lie being told. Yes, sometimes honest people describe events at length (*I* do, obviously), but we can tell the difference between someone endlessly describing the new hottie they met, or trying to put across a factual topic with as much thoroughness as possible, and someone who babbles on about the color of the seats and what kinds of shirts everyone was wearing at the movie they supposedly went to when all you asked them was how said movie was.
33) Describes situations where they say they’ve been mistreated by others, but it’s clear that THEY were the ones in the wrong.
This is someone with no idea whatsoever about how to judge right and wrong, or who's responsible for what happens, so they use the most terrifying yardstick of all, how they WANTED things to be; if it doesn't end up that way, they truly believe that everyone else involved was responsible and in the wrong, and were probably bad people as well... and naturally, they think it's permissible to treat "bad" people like dirt.
34) Can’t seem to let go of past hurts, and goes on and on about them at every opportunity, even months or YEARS later.
The not being able to let go part means that they're depressive and obsessive; their going on about it might be because whatever's in their head just comes pouring out of their mouth, or because they're trying for attention and sympathy (and usually hoping it'll magically morph into liking and friendship)... or, worst of all, because it's all being faked by a manipulator who wants you to see them as a poor, pitiful creature who's totally incapable of whatever evil they're plotting.
35) Has demands or expectations of you that make them seem more like a jealous lover than a friend.
A friend NEVER expects you to circle your life around them, forsaking all others, not so much as glancing at anyone without their approval; if a supposed friend is acting that way, and they're NOT trying to become romantically involved with you, it means that they're a manipulator who's hoping to isolate you from everyone else so as to have total control over you, at which point they can mistreat you at will. If you protest any part of this process, you'll get melodramatic accusations that you're betraying or rejecting them, and threats that they'll drop you; they expect you to realize that you have no other real friends anymore, or none not under THEIR power, and cave in... and if you do, you'll be their virtual slave for as long as they choose to keep you around.
36) Only wants to talk about themselves, never about YOU (even when major things are going on in your life).
Friendship is a 2-way street; anyone who wants you to ride down the one-way road to Themsville is not only NOT your friend, they're either a belligerent depressive who's become convinced that their misery entitles them to be the non-stop center of attention, a manipulator in the final stages of using you (when they can no longer be bothered to even TRY to make it look like they care or are giving you anything), a jealous turd who gets "revenge" on you for your superior life by refusing to talk about it, or just a bad person who's dropped the pretense of pleasantness they used to trick you into befriending them.
37) Someone who’s known them longer and/or better describes as being very different from how YOU perceive them, ESPECIALLY if you’re warned about potential bad behavior (if the describer is an EX-friend or -lover, seek objective verification).
This is another easy one; no, it does NOT mean that you and only you know the "real them," it means that they've completely fooled you with a fake persona. Needless to say, they haven't done it to benefit you in some way; they've done it because they dislike you and are planning to slam you, or are using you (or intend to), or are just a sociopath who enjoys periodically messing with people's heads.
38) Suddenly starts badmouthing someone you KNOW has been nothing but nice to them.
It's possible that they're acting ugly because they're just plain evil, but it's also possible that they're a clueless depressive who's enraged because the target didn't act the way they fantasized they should, or that they're a manipulator trying to do what they do best in order to "get" the target, or that they're being used as a pawn by a master manipulator as part of a strategy against the target... in any of these cases, get as far away from them as possible, REMEMBER that they did this, warn your friends about them, and make sure the victim gets told what's going on.
39) Is suddenly eager to convince YOU how bad someone is, with no mention of a (non-trivial) wrongdoing of theirs or a fight between the 2 of them.
This is similar to the previous case, but it's scarier because there's no possibility of it being a depressive or garden-variety unpleasant person spouting off; it's too sneaky, focused and methodical, and your not knowing those involved well enough to be sure how their relationship has been means that the goal of the would-be convincer (or their "master") is to "get" some innocent person so thoroughly that they won't have ANYONE on their side in your entire social arena. Try to find out who all is involved in this (it's usually a group), and be VERY afraid of those people... and make sure that everyone you care about in your joint social circle is too, and that they're all told what's going on, including the target.
40) Descends upon you with one or more sidekicks and launches a combined effort to convince you of how bad someone is, and they're not providing a proven, serious wrongdoing from the target as their reason.
This is similar to the previous 2, and is the scariest of all, because they're willing to act openly as a group, and have taken time out of their lives to discuss and plan how to manipulate YOU as a team... people who are THAT organized, dedicated, confident and ruthless belong in the Mafia, NOT anywhere near you and your friends. They'll usually only feel the need for this maximum level of persuasion when the target is someone you're close to, so they might try to portray it as a "relationship intervention" intended to get you away from a dangerous character; the reality is that when people are willing to go to THAT much effort and risk (if they screw up, it's certain that you'll tell people about their scam), it's very likely that there's more to it than trying to "get" someone they dislike... they, or at least one of them, may be guilty of some major wrongdoing that the target knows about, so they're hoping to "discredit the witness" (evildoers instinctively know to go for the preemptive strike). In addition to the advice from the previous 2 entries, try to find out what the unknown wrongdoing is; they wouldn't be involving you if it won't impact you or a loved/liked one.
As always, I hope reading this will help you understand some past interpersonal problems, and avoid some future ones; remember, they can only get you if you LET them.
Monday, October 02, 2006
The world's most disgusting person
Ask any married woman who the most disgusting person in the world is, and she'll almost certainly nominate her husband; although we all received the same childhood training as to how to deal with our excretory functions, and the parts of the body they emerge from, when we're not somewhere totally private, for some reason it's mainly women who continue to follow those guidelines in adulthood... if a friend tells you that they witnessed someone farting, picking their nose or scratching their armpit in public, you don't need to ask their gender. Even so, most men have SOME restraint outside of the home; once that front door closes behind them, though, they often reveal behaviors worthy of the poo-flinging gorillas at the zoo (and then they wonder why they get laid progressively less the longer they're married).
I assert that MY husband is the most revolting of all; I intend to prove it, so if you're squeamish you might wanna skip this post (there won't be anything graphic, just icky):
Yesterday, my husband was supposed to go up on the roof to try to find where the rats were getting into the attic; as usual, instead of getting his chores done he was wasting hours on forums, chanting "in a minute" to my repeated promptings. As 4PM and the end of usable daylight loomed, I unplugged my laptop, marched down the hall, plopped down on the floor of his study (he was in the only chair), and announced my intention to stay there until he got moving; while he tried to pretend he wasn't bothered, I poked around in the heaps of junk within reach, handing things up to him and piling them on his leg. When I started grabbing dirty socks and tossing them into the hall, he said, "Um... you don't want to touch those socks." Now, I naturally don't love his rancid footwear, but after many years of marriage have become inured to touching things that stink (lucky for HIM); more to the point, HE doesn't normally see anything wrong with his socks, even when nearby maggots are gagging, so...
If there were such a thing as the KING of masturbation, he would be it; since he generally takes matters in hand (so to speak) in the study, I assumed that he'd forgotten his tissues one day and used a sock instead, and demanded to know if that's what had happened. He denied it, but he hesitated, so I shrieked at him accusingly; he reluctantly admitted that during his recent cold he'd been blowing his nose ON HIS SOCKS.
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!
Him: Well, they're softer than tissues...
Me: Bullsh*t!!
Him: ... and, they were all that was convenient...
Me: You're never more than a few feet from a box of tissues in this house, and even if you DID have ONE emergency that's no excuse for continuing to do it!!
Him: Well... uh... uh... uh... you might wanna go wash your hands.
Thus reminded of what I'd just been touching, I washed, I disinfected, I wished for a frigging autoclave to put my hands in, all the while cursing him with great vehemence; despite his earlier concern, he was quite amused, as he typically is with anything concerning his bodily emissions. He did at least feel bad enough to go change into even grungier clothes to climb onto the roof with; however, after he changed he came over to where I was back on my laptop and dangled one of his crusty socks right in my face, laughing when I scrambled back and screamed... I think to an objective observer it would've looked like one of those traditional drawings of a boy dangling a snake in front of a girl to scare her. Then, he did something even worse; he dangled the sock over my KEYBOARD... and my outrage at that blasphemous act was sufficient to make him retreat. I yelled after him:
Me: I'm gonna wipe my BUTT with one of your socks-how funny will you find THAT?
Him: That'd be grosser for your butt than for the sock.
Me: More than likely; in any case, it'd be the...
Him: ... weirdest exchange of bodily excretions...
Me: ... in the history of marriage.
Both: LOL!!!!!!
Me: There's a reason we...
Him: ... have to be married.
Both: LOL!!
Me: You know this is gonna be in my next blog entry, right?
Him: Thank goodness your blog is anonymous.
Me: Don't worry, I'll tell all my friends about it, too.
Him: It was still worth it.
He went out to check the roof; I headed for his bathroom, where I removed all the toilet paper. I then put on my hazmat gear, got one of his germy socks and draped it over the empty toilet paper roller. About half an hour later, he was in there doing his business, when he yelped:
Him: Hey, where's the toilet paper?!!
Me: LOL!! {I trotted over to the bathroom and opened the door (married people have very little privacy)} Why don't you use your SOCK?
Him: Huh?
Me: {craning my neck to get a better view of the throne zone} There, on the floor-you must have knocked it off the roller.
Him: Come on, get me the paper.
Me: You don't need it; you've got the all-purpose wiper.
Him: Maybe if it was a sock I didn't like very much I'd try it...
Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
Him: ... I guess I can use the newspaper if I get desperate...
Me: Ok, ok, I'll get the toilet paper, you big baby.
Marriage, as I always say, is GROSS. If you're not convinced that my husband is the most disgusting person who ever lived, I've got another story; be warned, this one's worse:
In the earliest days of our marriage, we only had ONE computer between us (if we had to do that NOW, one of us would be DEAD within an hour); I woke up before my husband one Saturday and made a gleeful beeline for the machine. As I stepped onto the anti-static mat, my foot was suddenly chilly and wet; I figured he'd had one of his many oopsies with the bottled water he was constantly toting around back then (to paraphrase comedian Lewis Black, as if he were perpetually about to cross the @#$%^&* Mojave)... and then I looked down. When I saw what I was standing in, I started screeching; in the time it took him to wake up and run to the study, I noticed the incriminating half-dried streaks on the monitor screen, and several pubic hairs on the keyboard. When he burst into the room, I held out my slimed foot and filled him in on what I'd found at the top of my lungs; I made him clean that foot a dozen times, after which I hopped to the bathroom to clean it some more while he worked on the screen and mat and removed the souvenirs from the keyboard.
My revenge for this, and a few other, less extreme incidents, has been to develop what he calls "whack-off radar"; wherever he is in the house, and whatever I'm doing when he starts, I'll feel the urge to go check on him, and can always interrupt within the 1st couple of minutes... on a good day, I can distract him sufficiently that he can't finish.
Anyways; if you've got a story about a more disgusting person, post it... if not, my husband is the champ-and he's SO proud, lol.
I assert that MY husband is the most revolting of all; I intend to prove it, so if you're squeamish you might wanna skip this post (there won't be anything graphic, just icky):
Yesterday, my husband was supposed to go up on the roof to try to find where the rats were getting into the attic; as usual, instead of getting his chores done he was wasting hours on forums, chanting "in a minute" to my repeated promptings. As 4PM and the end of usable daylight loomed, I unplugged my laptop, marched down the hall, plopped down on the floor of his study (he was in the only chair), and announced my intention to stay there until he got moving; while he tried to pretend he wasn't bothered, I poked around in the heaps of junk within reach, handing things up to him and piling them on his leg. When I started grabbing dirty socks and tossing them into the hall, he said, "Um... you don't want to touch those socks." Now, I naturally don't love his rancid footwear, but after many years of marriage have become inured to touching things that stink (lucky for HIM); more to the point, HE doesn't normally see anything wrong with his socks, even when nearby maggots are gagging, so...
If there were such a thing as the KING of masturbation, he would be it; since he generally takes matters in hand (so to speak) in the study, I assumed that he'd forgotten his tissues one day and used a sock instead, and demanded to know if that's what had happened. He denied it, but he hesitated, so I shrieked at him accusingly; he reluctantly admitted that during his recent cold he'd been blowing his nose ON HIS SOCKS.
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!
Him: Well, they're softer than tissues...
Me: Bullsh*t!!
Him: ... and, they were all that was convenient...
Me: You're never more than a few feet from a box of tissues in this house, and even if you DID have ONE emergency that's no excuse for continuing to do it!!
Him: Well... uh... uh... uh... you might wanna go wash your hands.
Thus reminded of what I'd just been touching, I washed, I disinfected, I wished for a frigging autoclave to put my hands in, all the while cursing him with great vehemence; despite his earlier concern, he was quite amused, as he typically is with anything concerning his bodily emissions. He did at least feel bad enough to go change into even grungier clothes to climb onto the roof with; however, after he changed he came over to where I was back on my laptop and dangled one of his crusty socks right in my face, laughing when I scrambled back and screamed... I think to an objective observer it would've looked like one of those traditional drawings of a boy dangling a snake in front of a girl to scare her. Then, he did something even worse; he dangled the sock over my KEYBOARD... and my outrage at that blasphemous act was sufficient to make him retreat. I yelled after him:
Me: I'm gonna wipe my BUTT with one of your socks-how funny will you find THAT?
Him: That'd be grosser for your butt than for the sock.
Me: More than likely; in any case, it'd be the...
Him: ... weirdest exchange of bodily excretions...
Me: ... in the history of marriage.
Both: LOL!!!!!!
Me: There's a reason we...
Him: ... have to be married.
Both: LOL!!
Me: You know this is gonna be in my next blog entry, right?
Him: Thank goodness your blog is anonymous.
Me: Don't worry, I'll tell all my friends about it, too.
Him: It was still worth it.
He went out to check the roof; I headed for his bathroom, where I removed all the toilet paper. I then put on my hazmat gear, got one of his germy socks and draped it over the empty toilet paper roller. About half an hour later, he was in there doing his business, when he yelped:
Him: Hey, where's the toilet paper?!!
Me: LOL!! {I trotted over to the bathroom and opened the door (married people have very little privacy)} Why don't you use your SOCK?
Him: Huh?
Me: {craning my neck to get a better view of the throne zone} There, on the floor-you must have knocked it off the roller.
Him: Come on, get me the paper.
Me: You don't need it; you've got the all-purpose wiper.
Him: Maybe if it was a sock I didn't like very much I'd try it...
Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
Him: ... I guess I can use the newspaper if I get desperate...
Me: Ok, ok, I'll get the toilet paper, you big baby.
Marriage, as I always say, is GROSS. If you're not convinced that my husband is the most disgusting person who ever lived, I've got another story; be warned, this one's worse:
In the earliest days of our marriage, we only had ONE computer between us (if we had to do that NOW, one of us would be DEAD within an hour); I woke up before my husband one Saturday and made a gleeful beeline for the machine. As I stepped onto the anti-static mat, my foot was suddenly chilly and wet; I figured he'd had one of his many oopsies with the bottled water he was constantly toting around back then (to paraphrase comedian Lewis Black, as if he were perpetually about to cross the @#$%^&* Mojave)... and then I looked down. When I saw what I was standing in, I started screeching; in the time it took him to wake up and run to the study, I noticed the incriminating half-dried streaks on the monitor screen, and several pubic hairs on the keyboard. When he burst into the room, I held out my slimed foot and filled him in on what I'd found at the top of my lungs; I made him clean that foot a dozen times, after which I hopped to the bathroom to clean it some more while he worked on the screen and mat and removed the souvenirs from the keyboard.
My revenge for this, and a few other, less extreme incidents, has been to develop what he calls "whack-off radar"; wherever he is in the house, and whatever I'm doing when he starts, I'll feel the urge to go check on him, and can always interrupt within the 1st couple of minutes... on a good day, I can distract him sufficiently that he can't finish.
Anyways; if you've got a story about a more disgusting person, post it... if not, my husband is the champ-and he's SO proud, lol.
