Saturday, August 14, 2004
Reincarnation
Some dopey movie I had on in the background while I was writing emails today brought up an interesting concept; if reincarnation is real, and everyone's soul is recycled from a past life, how does that work when the total # of people living on the planet keeps increasing, and has increased to thousands of times what it was early in human history? Has each "original soul" been divided up into thousands of pieces, and all WE each have now is a tiny fraction of a "full soul"? How can we KNOW?
If we DON'T just have bits of old souls, that means that new souls are being "created" (as a "side effect" of thought and emotion, as best as I can figure it, since they're all the same energy), and thus that it's not possible for everyone to have an "old soul," and in fact MOST people couldn't have one, not by a long shot... and those that DO have old souls could have one that's a few years old or millennia old, unless only the earliest soul are capable of reincarnating, and so all old souls wouldn't be "equal."
If it's possible for some people to have "recycled souls" (although I don't see how, or even WHY, a soul would latch onto a developing human), how would we KNOW if our souls are old or new? Would there be any differences, other than age? Would an old soul really have memories of past lives, as people who do past life regression claim? If so, how and where would those old memories be stored in the new brain? Or, is there a "soul memory" even when the soul is in the body... and if there is, does it hold memories from our current life too?
OR, does the old soul merge with the new soul, giving some people a sort of hybrid soul? Or, does this just happen sometimes by accident, leaving the person so afflicted... deeply spiritual? Mentally dysfunctional? Crazy? (Is there a difference, lol?)
People talk about having known each other in past lives, and about being soul mates; if any of this is really going on, there'd have to be some heavy karma involved any time one "old soul" found another, much less one that was familiar... which is of course what people who claim to be part of this sort of thing say. My best guess here is that these encounters would have to be so rare that most of those who believe they're having them are deluding themselves to make their relationships seem more important.
As to whether or not reincarnation in general exists; I HOPE not, because if it does, that either means that the afterlife is so grim that souls seek out new bodies to escape it, or that there's a force making us go back into physical bodies against our will like many reincarnationists believe... and that's not the universe I want to live in.
If we DON'T just have bits of old souls, that means that new souls are being "created" (as a "side effect" of thought and emotion, as best as I can figure it, since they're all the same energy), and thus that it's not possible for everyone to have an "old soul," and in fact MOST people couldn't have one, not by a long shot... and those that DO have old souls could have one that's a few years old or millennia old, unless only the earliest soul are capable of reincarnating, and so all old souls wouldn't be "equal."
If it's possible for some people to have "recycled souls" (although I don't see how, or even WHY, a soul would latch onto a developing human), how would we KNOW if our souls are old or new? Would there be any differences, other than age? Would an old soul really have memories of past lives, as people who do past life regression claim? If so, how and where would those old memories be stored in the new brain? Or, is there a "soul memory" even when the soul is in the body... and if there is, does it hold memories from our current life too?
OR, does the old soul merge with the new soul, giving some people a sort of hybrid soul? Or, does this just happen sometimes by accident, leaving the person so afflicted... deeply spiritual? Mentally dysfunctional? Crazy? (Is there a difference, lol?)
People talk about having known each other in past lives, and about being soul mates; if any of this is really going on, there'd have to be some heavy karma involved any time one "old soul" found another, much less one that was familiar... which is of course what people who claim to be part of this sort of thing say. My best guess here is that these encounters would have to be so rare that most of those who believe they're having them are deluding themselves to make their relationships seem more important.
As to whether or not reincarnation in general exists; I HOPE not, because if it does, that either means that the afterlife is so grim that souls seek out new bodies to escape it, or that there's a force making us go back into physical bodies against our will like many reincarnationists believe... and that's not the universe I want to live in.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Deism and karma
Deism, which you don't hear about much these days but had a run of popularity in the past (Thomas Jefferson was a believer), is the concept of a "clockwork universe," where God created everything, set it in motion, and then left, never to return. If there IS a God, it would make more sense that He wasn't around anymore, given the way the world is these days, but virtually all Christians believe that He's still with us... or is that just wishful thinking on their part?
COULD God have created everything? Sure. I wasn't around at the beginning of the universe, so it's not like I have proof one way or the other, and, although I'm reasonably sure there was a Big Bang, as so much science points to it, there's no reason God couldn't have set THAT into motion. Could God have created karma? I have some deeply religious friends who firmly believe that, so I think it's reasonable to see it as a possibility, even though Christianity doesn't teach anything about karma.
Does the above mean that the existence of karma, aka "the engine of karma," could point to the existence of the setup that the Deists envisioned? My guess would be not, because Christianity promises that there will be judgment, with rewards for the good and punishment for the evil, and karma doesn't work that way... it's just energy, with no judgments going on, and in fact people who radiate "negative" energy (anger, sadness, fear) due to bad things happening to them draw more negative things to them even though they've done no wrong, which is NOT what Christianity tells us is supposed to happen.
On the other hand, regardless of what the writers of the Bible believed, maybe God doesn't see good and evil, right and wrong, as we do, or may not care about them at all, and so in fact DID set up the engine of karma, and early believers saw its workings as indicative of rewards and punishments, as it DOES often produce results that look that way... and maybe the animal sacrifices demanded by the Old Testament God created intense karma due to the heavy emotional focus on the issue(s) they were being conducted to resolve, making it appear that sacrifices were accomplishing something... if you convolute things enough, there's usually a way to have God be at the bottom of it, but I don't think it's more than an intellectual exercise; there's no need to add God to the equation to explain things, and no need to complicate the truth just to have a father figure in charge of things.
On the other hand, you can't DISprove His existence, or the existence of SOME sort of deity, by clever arguments, either, and the energy of karma is the same as the energy of thought and feelings, which CAN be seen as pointing to a being at the center of it all, so...
COULD God have created everything? Sure. I wasn't around at the beginning of the universe, so it's not like I have proof one way or the other, and, although I'm reasonably sure there was a Big Bang, as so much science points to it, there's no reason God couldn't have set THAT into motion. Could God have created karma? I have some deeply religious friends who firmly believe that, so I think it's reasonable to see it as a possibility, even though Christianity doesn't teach anything about karma.
Does the above mean that the existence of karma, aka "the engine of karma," could point to the existence of the setup that the Deists envisioned? My guess would be not, because Christianity promises that there will be judgment, with rewards for the good and punishment for the evil, and karma doesn't work that way... it's just energy, with no judgments going on, and in fact people who radiate "negative" energy (anger, sadness, fear) due to bad things happening to them draw more negative things to them even though they've done no wrong, which is NOT what Christianity tells us is supposed to happen.
On the other hand, regardless of what the writers of the Bible believed, maybe God doesn't see good and evil, right and wrong, as we do, or may not care about them at all, and so in fact DID set up the engine of karma, and early believers saw its workings as indicative of rewards and punishments, as it DOES often produce results that look that way... and maybe the animal sacrifices demanded by the Old Testament God created intense karma due to the heavy emotional focus on the issue(s) they were being conducted to resolve, making it appear that sacrifices were accomplishing something... if you convolute things enough, there's usually a way to have God be at the bottom of it, but I don't think it's more than an intellectual exercise; there's no need to add God to the equation to explain things, and no need to complicate the truth just to have a father figure in charge of things.
On the other hand, you can't DISprove His existence, or the existence of SOME sort of deity, by clever arguments, either, and the energy of karma is the same as the energy of thought and feelings, which CAN be seen as pointing to a being at the center of it all, so...
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Nested synchronicities
Today, I finally got the chance to bid on an eBay auction for an odd group of items; my head swam when I originally saw this auction, because I'd already won an auction with those EXACT same items... and then LOST them due to some inexcusable bungling on my husband's part, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm not QUITE confident enough about my karma to believe that this auction "got arranged for me," but I knew that the odds were wildly against there ever having been a 2nd auction for the identical items, much less there ever being a THIRD, so I wasn't willing to risk not winning by bidding in advance; I set my alarm for early in the AM in order to be able to place my bid near the end of the auction. I woke up early, and had been sleeping badly enough to decide to cut my losses and get up and do something while waiting to bid.
The night before, I'd fired off an email to friend in a semi-developed country who I hadn't heard from in a while; I didn't expect to hear back from her any time soon, as she doesn't have internet access much of the time, and would have written to me already if she was able, but I had the impulse to check the email account I write to her from, and... you guessed it, there was an email from her. More precisely, there was an email prefaced by an all-caps description of how she'd written and saved the letter below it for me the day before I wrote to her, in expectation of being allowed online at last, and when she got access to her email account the next day there was MY new email waiting for her. I understand why she was freaked out, but I didn't even blink; I've been in the midst of such a period of heavy synchronicities recently that nothing surprises me right now.
Before I could read much of the email, I had to go place my bid. There were several other bidders who'd already done their thing (none of whom had participated in the previous auction), but the current price at that point was well below what I'd previously won it for, so I felt fairly confident; I made my bid, and the new total was... only a dollar different from the price I won the previous auction for-imagine my reaction. I refreshed the page until the end, and won for the price that came up when I bid; it blew me away that this group of items, none of which I'd ever seen for sale anywhere else besides collectively in the other auction, and thus couldn't have established a "market value" for (nor could anyone else), went for almost exactly the same price as before, although even items with well-established values tend to go for a wide range of prices on eBay.
I then replied to my friend's email (starting with an explanation of synchronicity), sent it, and figured that I'd go back to bed and try to catch a few more zzzzzzz's. For no reason I can explain, I had the urge to do something odd; I went back and checked the timestamp on my friend's email... and the time it showed was the EXACT time I'd woken up, right down to the minute.
Even by my standards, it was an exceptionally weird way to start the day.
The night before, I'd fired off an email to friend in a semi-developed country who I hadn't heard from in a while; I didn't expect to hear back from her any time soon, as she doesn't have internet access much of the time, and would have written to me already if she was able, but I had the impulse to check the email account I write to her from, and... you guessed it, there was an email from her. More precisely, there was an email prefaced by an all-caps description of how she'd written and saved the letter below it for me the day before I wrote to her, in expectation of being allowed online at last, and when she got access to her email account the next day there was MY new email waiting for her. I understand why she was freaked out, but I didn't even blink; I've been in the midst of such a period of heavy synchronicities recently that nothing surprises me right now.
Before I could read much of the email, I had to go place my bid. There were several other bidders who'd already done their thing (none of whom had participated in the previous auction), but the current price at that point was well below what I'd previously won it for, so I felt fairly confident; I made my bid, and the new total was... only a dollar different from the price I won the previous auction for-imagine my reaction. I refreshed the page until the end, and won for the price that came up when I bid; it blew me away that this group of items, none of which I'd ever seen for sale anywhere else besides collectively in the other auction, and thus couldn't have established a "market value" for (nor could anyone else), went for almost exactly the same price as before, although even items with well-established values tend to go for a wide range of prices on eBay.
I then replied to my friend's email (starting with an explanation of synchronicity), sent it, and figured that I'd go back to bed and try to catch a few more zzzzzzz's. For no reason I can explain, I had the urge to do something odd; I went back and checked the timestamp on my friend's email... and the time it showed was the EXACT time I'd woken up, right down to the minute.
Even by my standards, it was an exceptionally weird way to start the day.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Are you the master of your own destiny?
We certainly like to think so, but there aren't many cultures that think that's the way it is... YOU may not even believe it, when you really think about it. If you believe in a deity, you almost certainly believe that that deity controls things, and, even if (s)he allows you free will, (s)he still handles much of what you encounter in life, AND chooses which prayers to answer, so it's not like YOU control everything that happens to and around you. Do you believe in the Devil, or demons of any sort? How about angels? Saints? Lesser gods? Ancestral spirits? Nearly every religion in every culture has a variety of entities that they think can and do interact with human affairs and dictate to some extent what happens... why do you suppose that is? If we really WERE acting all alone with no help, harm, or input of any kind from any other sort of entity or energy, why would nearly the entire human race believe otherwise? Is everyone stupid, or deluded, or worse... or are they onto something, perceiving something that they've anthropomorphized as various sorts of beings?
What about those who DON'T believe that anything influences our lives "from without"? Is it a coincidence that most of the people who believe that we're all there is, and are in total control, live in a country that has lost most of its spirituality? Not to mention a country where people often feel at the mercy of the government, big business and random crazies rather than confident that life will proceed according to their plans... what exactly DO we think we control? Who do you know that's satisfied with their paycheck, their appearance, their sex life, or much of anything in their lives? If any of us DO control our destinies, we're apparently not doing much of a job.
Because I have no religious beliefs, *I* don't believe that there are necessarily any entities involved actively in our lives, as I've seen no proof of that... the only evidence I've seen is for the involvement of energy (karma), not thinking beings. I don't deny that they're out there, though, as I can't prove they DON'T exist, and they certainly could, in theory, be behind the actions of the energies I've seen. I try to keep an open mind, and, if they want my acknowledgment, they know where to find me, and can let me know.
This is not to say that I don't believe in the existence of "energy beings" of any sort, as I've SEEN spirits... or were they angels, or something else? Just because something LOOKS human isn't proof that it IS, so... I suppose they could have been nearly anything, but I saw no proof that they were shaping events in any way.
Still, the energies that I see "running things behind the scenes" are conceptually very similar in effect to what saints, demons and such are seen by many as doing, with the result that I see that I do NOT control much of what happens in my life, much less have any significant influence on the vast tapestry of energies that we all exist within. I'm not a fatalist, though, so I DO believe, for example, that the studies that show that watching your weight and exercising make you healthier are valid, so I do what I can to be healthy and safe. Just as importantly, I've learned that I CAN influence certain elements of karma, and I do the best I can with that. However, there are far too many factors OUT of my control for me to think that I'm in anything like total control of my destiny.
Take a good look at what you think exists in the universe besides humans, and how few things in your life you can even influence, much less control, and see if you think you're the master of YOUR destiny.
PS As I was writing the end of the above essay, a show I'm not really familiar with, Cheers, came on TV; I'd never seen that episode before, and it was NOT on when I started writing. The plotline revolved around an old weight machine that gave fortunes along with the weight readings, and how those fortunes seemed to be proving true in some cases. I wasn't really paying attention, until the main character said, "Nothing and no one controls what happens to us." Coincidence?
What about those who DON'T believe that anything influences our lives "from without"? Is it a coincidence that most of the people who believe that we're all there is, and are in total control, live in a country that has lost most of its spirituality? Not to mention a country where people often feel at the mercy of the government, big business and random crazies rather than confident that life will proceed according to their plans... what exactly DO we think we control? Who do you know that's satisfied with their paycheck, their appearance, their sex life, or much of anything in their lives? If any of us DO control our destinies, we're apparently not doing much of a job.
Because I have no religious beliefs, *I* don't believe that there are necessarily any entities involved actively in our lives, as I've seen no proof of that... the only evidence I've seen is for the involvement of energy (karma), not thinking beings. I don't deny that they're out there, though, as I can't prove they DON'T exist, and they certainly could, in theory, be behind the actions of the energies I've seen. I try to keep an open mind, and, if they want my acknowledgment, they know where to find me, and can let me know.
This is not to say that I don't believe in the existence of "energy beings" of any sort, as I've SEEN spirits... or were they angels, or something else? Just because something LOOKS human isn't proof that it IS, so... I suppose they could have been nearly anything, but I saw no proof that they were shaping events in any way.
Still, the energies that I see "running things behind the scenes" are conceptually very similar in effect to what saints, demons and such are seen by many as doing, with the result that I see that I do NOT control much of what happens in my life, much less have any significant influence on the vast tapestry of energies that we all exist within. I'm not a fatalist, though, so I DO believe, for example, that the studies that show that watching your weight and exercising make you healthier are valid, so I do what I can to be healthy and safe. Just as importantly, I've learned that I CAN influence certain elements of karma, and I do the best I can with that. However, there are far too many factors OUT of my control for me to think that I'm in anything like total control of my destiny.
Take a good look at what you think exists in the universe besides humans, and how few things in your life you can even influence, much less control, and see if you think you're the master of YOUR destiny.
PS As I was writing the end of the above essay, a show I'm not really familiar with, Cheers, came on TV; I'd never seen that episode before, and it was NOT on when I started writing. The plotline revolved around an old weight machine that gave fortunes along with the weight readings, and how those fortunes seemed to be proving true in some cases. I wasn't really paying attention, until the main character said, "Nothing and no one controls what happens to us." Coincidence?
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
#'s don't lie...
... but sometimes, they warp our minds.
Which #'s do I mean? The ones that we all too often use to judge ourselves and others. George Carlin delivered a line that beautifully sums up this concept; it went something like "Age, height and weight are just numbers-your doctor should be concerned with them, but no one else should be."
Age: America's psychotic obsession with youth has spurred us to do anything we can think of, even risk our lives with major surgeries, to look young, and to then lie through our teeth about how old we are, especially after we pass milestones like 30 and 40. Have you ever noticed that there are only a few years between the age when we try to be seen as older and the point at which we start to fudge our age downwards? And that mid-life crises have become the rule rather than the laughable exception? And that we're getting all in a twitter about the age differences between couples, as if that was the most important thing to be concerned about?
Height: This one may not seem like a big deal to you... unless you're a man of average height or less, trying to get dates, or a tall woman having to deal with the fact that men prefer women who are significantly shorter than they are, even in heels. A dear friend of mine did the online dating service thing for several years, and discovered that his success rate dropped radically when he admitted to his real height, which is only an inch less than average; he went so far as to check the heights of all the men at one site, and found that very few admitted to being less than 6' tall. Meanwhile, most women wear high heels to look taller and longer-legged, while women who actually ARE tall and long-legged wear flats and slouch.
Weight: How many women do you know that aren't on a diet most of the time? Americans of both genders get fatter every year, but the famous people we idolize keep getting thinner; another example of our tendency to fall into bizarre dichotomies. The last acceptable prejudice is against fat people, and many people jump on that bandwagon who have plenty of junk in the trunk themselves, because there's so much self-hate among those who are even a little overweight that they don't see the hypocrisy involved. People will lie, stand on one foot on the scale, invent a fantasy weight for their driver's license, and do anything else they can think of to keep their true weight from being known... as if changing the # changed the reality.
Would it be too much to ask for us to pay a little less attention to these #'s, which have no relation to a person's value, and a little MORE attention to the qualities that really matter, like honesty, loyalty and compassion?
Which #'s do I mean? The ones that we all too often use to judge ourselves and others. George Carlin delivered a line that beautifully sums up this concept; it went something like "Age, height and weight are just numbers-your doctor should be concerned with them, but no one else should be."
Age: America's psychotic obsession with youth has spurred us to do anything we can think of, even risk our lives with major surgeries, to look young, and to then lie through our teeth about how old we are, especially after we pass milestones like 30 and 40. Have you ever noticed that there are only a few years between the age when we try to be seen as older and the point at which we start to fudge our age downwards? And that mid-life crises have become the rule rather than the laughable exception? And that we're getting all in a twitter about the age differences between couples, as if that was the most important thing to be concerned about?
Height: This one may not seem like a big deal to you... unless you're a man of average height or less, trying to get dates, or a tall woman having to deal with the fact that men prefer women who are significantly shorter than they are, even in heels. A dear friend of mine did the online dating service thing for several years, and discovered that his success rate dropped radically when he admitted to his real height, which is only an inch less than average; he went so far as to check the heights of all the men at one site, and found that very few admitted to being less than 6' tall. Meanwhile, most women wear high heels to look taller and longer-legged, while women who actually ARE tall and long-legged wear flats and slouch.
Weight: How many women do you know that aren't on a diet most of the time? Americans of both genders get fatter every year, but the famous people we idolize keep getting thinner; another example of our tendency to fall into bizarre dichotomies. The last acceptable prejudice is against fat people, and many people jump on that bandwagon who have plenty of junk in the trunk themselves, because there's so much self-hate among those who are even a little overweight that they don't see the hypocrisy involved. People will lie, stand on one foot on the scale, invent a fantasy weight for their driver's license, and do anything else they can think of to keep their true weight from being known... as if changing the # changed the reality.
Would it be too much to ask for us to pay a little less attention to these #'s, which have no relation to a person's value, and a little MORE attention to the qualities that really matter, like honesty, loyalty and compassion?
Monday, August 09, 2004
Karma is SO slick
Yesterday, I posted about the tough-love approach to helping depressive friends.
Today, the friend that has been by far the major recipient of this from me called for the first time in a couple of months.
Coincidence?
This friend has been finding comfort in going to church, and it finally occurred to me today to tell her about Joel Osteen (a pastor who's on TV every week giving a sermon); I helped her figure out when and on what channel he'd be on in her area, and she agreed to watch him.
The sermon he gave today was about how, if you've had bad things happen to you, and have had years of your life, health, happiness, money taken from you by people or circumstances, God would make good on all of that and make it all up to you, if you let him; since my friend has had every kind of loss and abuse he mentioned, this sermon was the exact thing she most needs and wants to hear.
Coincidence?
In the course of the sermon, one of the specific things he talked about was an exact match for something in her life.
Coincidence?
This sure seems like a clear case of karma in action... and another sign to me that it's a good idea for me to be watching Osteen. There was a kicker in his sermon for ME, too, as always; he warned people not to decide that there was only one specific way that God could give them what they wanted, making up for what they'd lost, because there were many ways available to Him, and it was necessary to let Him do it His way to be able to get what He wanted you to have. This was exactly what Scott Adams had said (see my post of January 12th) in his description of how affirmations work (except of course he indicated that an unnamed something would make things happen, NOT God), and affirmations are just a way to manipulate karma by sending out focused energy dedicated to achieving a certain goal; it blows me away to see someone coming from a Christian perspective reaching the exact same conclusion as I have as to how things work, even though he attributes it to God and I don't.
There is ONE truth, ONE reality; the more you open your mind to it, the more of it will come pouring in from sources you haven't even thought of yet.
Today, the friend that has been by far the major recipient of this from me called for the first time in a couple of months.
Coincidence?
This friend has been finding comfort in going to church, and it finally occurred to me today to tell her about Joel Osteen (a pastor who's on TV every week giving a sermon); I helped her figure out when and on what channel he'd be on in her area, and she agreed to watch him.
The sermon he gave today was about how, if you've had bad things happen to you, and have had years of your life, health, happiness, money taken from you by people or circumstances, God would make good on all of that and make it all up to you, if you let him; since my friend has had every kind of loss and abuse he mentioned, this sermon was the exact thing she most needs and wants to hear.
Coincidence?
In the course of the sermon, one of the specific things he talked about was an exact match for something in her life.
Coincidence?
This sure seems like a clear case of karma in action... and another sign to me that it's a good idea for me to be watching Osteen. There was a kicker in his sermon for ME, too, as always; he warned people not to decide that there was only one specific way that God could give them what they wanted, making up for what they'd lost, because there were many ways available to Him, and it was necessary to let Him do it His way to be able to get what He wanted you to have. This was exactly what Scott Adams had said (see my post of January 12th) in his description of how affirmations work (except of course he indicated that an unnamed something would make things happen, NOT God), and affirmations are just a way to manipulate karma by sending out focused energy dedicated to achieving a certain goal; it blows me away to see someone coming from a Christian perspective reaching the exact same conclusion as I have as to how things work, even though he attributes it to God and I don't.
There is ONE truth, ONE reality; the more you open your mind to it, the more of it will come pouring in from sources you haven't even thought of yet.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Dealing with depressed friends
No one needs friends more that a depressive. What they tend to really WANT, though, is someone who'll give them a shoulder to cry on and agree with everything they say, which of course is very different from friendship; this leads to them driving away, or stalking away from, anyone who tries to be a TRUE friend to them, and clinging to any useless doomsayer types they can find... just thinking about that is enough to depress ME, sigh.
Although it's generally a losing battle, there are some depressed people that I continue to be friends with. If you're in the same boat, here are a few tips on how to provide them with the specialized friendship they need:
1) Unlike with any other sort of illness, people with the so-called "mental" illnesses will often resist telling a doctor that they need help, and, no matter how hideously they're suffering, they'll frequently resist taking meds. Make it clear to them that unless and until they get help, they'll NEVER get better, and, if they're not willing to get help, you're not willing to be the pit into which they can endlessly pour their misery. I know it seems cruel, but if you make it easier for them to delay getting help, you're enabling them to stay sick, NOT doing them any good.
2) They'll try to convince you that every day they feel worse than any previous day, even though this is obviously impossible; this attitude contributes to their misery, and can be combated by asking them to explain HOW they feel worse today, what new symptoms they have, or what in their life has changed... after a few rounds of this, when they have no answer, they'll gradually stop saying it, AND stop feeling it as well. You might feel "mean" for making a suffering person admit that they're exaggerating, but it's very important for them to internalize that they have a chronic condition, NOT an infinitely-downward spiral.
3) Their answer to nearly anything you suggest they do generally contains the word "can't"; sometimes, of course, this will be valid, as they might not have any $, or be able to drive, etc, but much of the time you can respond "You're not paralyzed, so you CAN move your body and make it do what I just suggested." They'll still probably find a way to not do whatever it is, but at least then you can deal with specifics instead of getting into "yes you can" "no I can't" battles, and sometimes they WILL do it.
4) They'll try to tell you that there's no med for their symptoms, or no doctor or clinic within a 100 mile radius, or some other nonsense... not because they've checked it out, but just because they they've convinced themselves that that's the way it is. If you ARE a real friend, take a few minutes to look things up, and show them the truth; they'll fall back on other excuses, more than likely, but at least you'll have moved them forward.
5) Here's the hardest one; when, as a last gasp to keep from doing what you've suggested and starting down the path to better mental health, they announce that they can handle things, they know what's best, they'll do the right thing, you respond, "No, you CAN'T handle it, you DON'T know what's best, and do NOT do the right thing... that's why you're in the situation you're in." Yes, they'll be upset, but if you can get them past ALL their smoke and mirrors, you've got a good chance of seeing them get the help they need and become healthy and, dare I say it, HAPPY, one day.
This sort of tough love is HARD, and stressful, and just plain beyond some people's ability to be confrontational, and so I understand why most folks head for the hills at the first sign that a friend is a depressive, rather than either trying to help them or soaking up all their drama, but... if you DO manage to help someone who can't help themselves, the feeling you get will be well worth it-and the karmic rewards will be, too.
Although it's generally a losing battle, there are some depressed people that I continue to be friends with. If you're in the same boat, here are a few tips on how to provide them with the specialized friendship they need:
1) Unlike with any other sort of illness, people with the so-called "mental" illnesses will often resist telling a doctor that they need help, and, no matter how hideously they're suffering, they'll frequently resist taking meds. Make it clear to them that unless and until they get help, they'll NEVER get better, and, if they're not willing to get help, you're not willing to be the pit into which they can endlessly pour their misery. I know it seems cruel, but if you make it easier for them to delay getting help, you're enabling them to stay sick, NOT doing them any good.
2) They'll try to convince you that every day they feel worse than any previous day, even though this is obviously impossible; this attitude contributes to their misery, and can be combated by asking them to explain HOW they feel worse today, what new symptoms they have, or what in their life has changed... after a few rounds of this, when they have no answer, they'll gradually stop saying it, AND stop feeling it as well. You might feel "mean" for making a suffering person admit that they're exaggerating, but it's very important for them to internalize that they have a chronic condition, NOT an infinitely-downward spiral.
3) Their answer to nearly anything you suggest they do generally contains the word "can't"; sometimes, of course, this will be valid, as they might not have any $, or be able to drive, etc, but much of the time you can respond "You're not paralyzed, so you CAN move your body and make it do what I just suggested." They'll still probably find a way to not do whatever it is, but at least then you can deal with specifics instead of getting into "yes you can" "no I can't" battles, and sometimes they WILL do it.
4) They'll try to tell you that there's no med for their symptoms, or no doctor or clinic within a 100 mile radius, or some other nonsense... not because they've checked it out, but just because they they've convinced themselves that that's the way it is. If you ARE a real friend, take a few minutes to look things up, and show them the truth; they'll fall back on other excuses, more than likely, but at least you'll have moved them forward.
5) Here's the hardest one; when, as a last gasp to keep from doing what you've suggested and starting down the path to better mental health, they announce that they can handle things, they know what's best, they'll do the right thing, you respond, "No, you CAN'T handle it, you DON'T know what's best, and do NOT do the right thing... that's why you're in the situation you're in." Yes, they'll be upset, but if you can get them past ALL their smoke and mirrors, you've got a good chance of seeing them get the help they need and become healthy and, dare I say it, HAPPY, one day.
This sort of tough love is HARD, and stressful, and just plain beyond some people's ability to be confrontational, and so I understand why most folks head for the hills at the first sign that a friend is a depressive, rather than either trying to help them or soaking up all their drama, but... if you DO manage to help someone who can't help themselves, the feeling you get will be well worth it-and the karmic rewards will be, too.
