Saturday, January 23, 2010
Another shower epiphany
(Would you believe that it never occurred to me that these repeated brushes with Divinity keep happening in the shower in part because my subconscious mind has internalized the old "cleanliness is next to Godliness" line, and thus gives me the urge to try to connect with Him while bathing, until my friend TOLD me? I hate missing obvious connections like that...)
During last night's shower, I tried asking God to "fill me up" again, intending to embrace rather than analyze the experience this time; part of me thought that it was too soon, that one shouldn't be QUITE so needy and demanding with the Almighty, nor expect Him to produce semi-miraculous events at overly frequent intervals, but the part of me that was anxious to do it RIGHT won out. I went several rounds of asking, and each time felt SOMETHING, but not overwhelmingly like last time; I tried to focus in on it without my brain churning madly, which was VERY difficult and probably counterproductive to the goal of just feeling it since I was as focused on blocking analysis as I'd been on making the analysis, sigh.
I felt like maybe He wasn't willing to give me the whole deal because I'm still not able to abandon myself to it like a normal person could, or that maybe He had even given up on me because of my inability to accept His gift as I should have... ridiculous to think He'd give up on me so easily after the YEARS He spent just trying to get my attention, but I'm so used to approval being conditional on perfect performance that that's how my brain works. These thoughts should have brought on a wave of grief, and I was actually bracing myself for it, but it didn't happen; panic or anxiety would be my other fallback emotions, but they didn't come either. I continued to feel calm, and like something was halfway going on, but I couldn't let myself trust the feeling because it wasn't bowling me over like last time... after all I've been through, I'm still afraid of falling into the trap of interpreting every flicker and twitch as being from God. That's a foolish attitude under the circumstances, when I should be straining to catch His every message, but skepticism is natural for me and He knows that.
Unsure of whether He was with me or not, I finally asked "Is it You?"
(it is)
"IS IT YOU?!!"
(it is)
Even the most fervent believer wouldn't see THAT as meaningful; your brain is skilled at saying what you want to hear, right? My idea at that point was to ask the question and then say "It isn't" to myself inside my head, to see if it... I don't know exactly, felt different I guess. What happened sounds crazy, even to ME, but I'm going to report it anyways and you can make of it what you will.
Have you ever had dreams where you were trying to talk but your mouth wouldn't work right and the words wouldn't come out, or you were trying to think and the words in your head just kept slipping or fading away? I was wide awake, standing in the shower with my eyes open, but that's what I started experiencing; I'd say "Is it You?" either in my head or out loud, and then try to form the words "It isn't" in my head... and the 2nd word refused to form. I'd get the "is" sound fine, but the "n't" wouldn't come. I'd TRY to make the sound, and I'd fade away for a second, or, it was like when you've had a body part fall asleep and you try to move it but it won't respond, as if I couldn't "remember" how to make the other sounds, or I'd end up with "is............UNT" or "is........n.....T"... everything EXCEPT a normal sounding word. I should have felt freaked out, or had the creeps, but that didn't happen; I just kept making determined efforts to say "Is it You?" followed by "It isn't" inside my head. In literally DOZENS of iterations, I think managed a decent-sounding "isn't" a couple of times, but that was it, no matter how hard I tried.
Why did I keep trying long after it was clear what was going on? Because, after all I've been through, I still have that neurotic need to keep checking, to be SURE, sure that I'm not imagining things, going crazy or kidding myself.
So; yes, God was with me, and revealed Himself in a new way. And yes, God can get into your mind, directly affect your mind, and effortlessly override your will, even in your own head. Another major revelation about His nature; hopefully, the next one will be about how to welcome Him in on a regular basis, which, with my affinity for words, may be the easiest path to deepening my relationship with Him.
During last night's shower, I tried asking God to "fill me up" again, intending to embrace rather than analyze the experience this time; part of me thought that it was too soon, that one shouldn't be QUITE so needy and demanding with the Almighty, nor expect Him to produce semi-miraculous events at overly frequent intervals, but the part of me that was anxious to do it RIGHT won out. I went several rounds of asking, and each time felt SOMETHING, but not overwhelmingly like last time; I tried to focus in on it without my brain churning madly, which was VERY difficult and probably counterproductive to the goal of just feeling it since I was as focused on blocking analysis as I'd been on making the analysis, sigh.
I felt like maybe He wasn't willing to give me the whole deal because I'm still not able to abandon myself to it like a normal person could, or that maybe He had even given up on me because of my inability to accept His gift as I should have... ridiculous to think He'd give up on me so easily after the YEARS He spent just trying to get my attention, but I'm so used to approval being conditional on perfect performance that that's how my brain works. These thoughts should have brought on a wave of grief, and I was actually bracing myself for it, but it didn't happen; panic or anxiety would be my other fallback emotions, but they didn't come either. I continued to feel calm, and like something was halfway going on, but I couldn't let myself trust the feeling because it wasn't bowling me over like last time... after all I've been through, I'm still afraid of falling into the trap of interpreting every flicker and twitch as being from God. That's a foolish attitude under the circumstances, when I should be straining to catch His every message, but skepticism is natural for me and He knows that.
Unsure of whether He was with me or not, I finally asked "Is it You?"
(it is)
"IS IT YOU?!!"
(it is)
Even the most fervent believer wouldn't see THAT as meaningful; your brain is skilled at saying what you want to hear, right? My idea at that point was to ask the question and then say "It isn't" to myself inside my head, to see if it... I don't know exactly, felt different I guess. What happened sounds crazy, even to ME, but I'm going to report it anyways and you can make of it what you will.
Have you ever had dreams where you were trying to talk but your mouth wouldn't work right and the words wouldn't come out, or you were trying to think and the words in your head just kept slipping or fading away? I was wide awake, standing in the shower with my eyes open, but that's what I started experiencing; I'd say "Is it You?" either in my head or out loud, and then try to form the words "It isn't" in my head... and the 2nd word refused to form. I'd get the "is" sound fine, but the "n't" wouldn't come. I'd TRY to make the sound, and I'd fade away for a second, or, it was like when you've had a body part fall asleep and you try to move it but it won't respond, as if I couldn't "remember" how to make the other sounds, or I'd end up with "is............UNT" or "is........n.....T"... everything EXCEPT a normal sounding word. I should have felt freaked out, or had the creeps, but that didn't happen; I just kept making determined efforts to say "Is it You?" followed by "It isn't" inside my head. In literally DOZENS of iterations, I think managed a decent-sounding "isn't" a couple of times, but that was it, no matter how hard I tried.
Why did I keep trying long after it was clear what was going on? Because, after all I've been through, I still have that neurotic need to keep checking, to be SURE, sure that I'm not imagining things, going crazy or kidding myself.
So; yes, God was with me, and revealed Himself in a new way. And yes, God can get into your mind, directly affect your mind, and effortlessly override your will, even in your own head. Another major revelation about His nature; hopefully, the next one will be about how to welcome Him in on a regular basis, which, with my affinity for words, may be the easiest path to deepening my relationship with Him.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Fiber One yogurt news
The fine folks of Safeway (Dominick’s, Tom Thumb, Randalls, Vons, Genuardi’s), Fiber One and MyBlogSpark have sent me the following info:
"Best-selling author and food expert Lisa Lillien, AKA Hungry Girl, has given her “seal of approval” to the new Fiber One yogurt, the only leading nonfat yogurt with 50 calories and 5 grams of fiber (20 percent of the Recommended Daily Value). It is also a good source of calcium and vitamins A and D, making this a guilt-free and all-around great choice for dieters and those watching their weights. Each cup includes the creamy, delicious taste you expect from Yoplait, and you don’t have to feel guilty about enjoying it. Fiber One is available in a variety of flavors including, Strawberry, Peach, Vanilla and Key Lime Pie (see what Hungry Girl thinks about the new yogurt here):
http://hungry-girl.com/news/newsdetails.php?isid=1772 "
And an alert to a pretty smokin' deal:
"from January 13th through February 9th, the Safeway family of stores has a special deal where you can purchase two 4-packs of Fiber One yogurt for only $4!"
If you're still sticking to your New Year's resolutions to lose weight and eat more fiber, it's time to stock up.
"Best-selling author and food expert Lisa Lillien, AKA Hungry Girl, has given her “seal of approval” to the new Fiber One yogurt, the only leading nonfat yogurt with 50 calories and 5 grams of fiber (20 percent of the Recommended Daily Value). It is also a good source of calcium and vitamins A and D, making this a guilt-free and all-around great choice for dieters and those watching their weights. Each cup includes the creamy, delicious taste you expect from Yoplait, and you don’t have to feel guilty about enjoying it. Fiber One is available in a variety of flavors including, Strawberry, Peach, Vanilla and Key Lime Pie (see what Hungry Girl thinks about the new yogurt here):
http://hungry-girl.com/news/newsdetails.php?isid=1772 "
And an alert to a pretty smokin' deal:
"from January 13th through February 9th, the Safeway family of stores has a special deal where you can purchase two 4-packs of Fiber One yogurt for only $4!"
If you're still sticking to your New Year's resolutions to lose weight and eat more fiber, it's time to stock up.
