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Neko

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Beware List, Part 2 


Here's installment #2 of my "beware list" (the 1st was on 5-31-06); I'm keeping the numbering the same as on the actual list rather than starting at #1 again, which I hope won't confuse anyone. I don't use the word "beware" lightly; these red flags indicate that the person waving them is either evil, sociopathic, a manipulator, heavily depressed or otherwise messed up, totally socially inept or just plain looking for trouble... and you're on the list of potential victims, possibly right at the top. People who are other than emotionally healthy and nice give lots of warnings before they unleash on you; if you recognize those warnings for what they are, you can keep from being screwed over. Therefore, beware of anyone who:


11) When you don’t know them well, makes you feel flattered by the way they seem to value your opinion, crave your input, and eagerly pay you glowing compliments (with the obvious exception of prospective romantic partners).

Only sociopaths and manipulators do this sort of thing; emotionally healthy, decent people do NOT make this kind of extreme effort to gain favor from strangers (or anyone else)... they count on their personalities to get them liked. This ploy is especially favored by followers when they want to get close to leaders; it's NOT an expression of true admiration, although they DO usually feel some, but is a setup that'll allow them to exert indirect control over the leader later on by withdrawing the lavish approval if things aren't going their way.


12) Used to be the center of attention in a social circle that YOU have now become the center of attention of.

People tend to see their status in a group, even a group of total strangers online, as a precious possession, and if you "take" it they'll react as if you'd stolen some physical object they value; it doesn't matter if you made no actual effort to "take their place," or were totally unaware that they HAD that place, or are mature enough to have neither noticed nor cared what level of attention you were getting from the group in comparison to others, they'll see your replacement of them as the "group favorite" as an aggressive act and react accordingly... or, more likely, react like a petulant, belligerent child, which they'll express in a vicious campaign to "get you."


13) Is "inferior" to you in an area of skill or knowledge that they base their self worth, or, worse, sense of who they are, on.

If someone is obsessively proud of being, say, a great tennis player, especially if it's the main or ONLY thing they have to be proud of, and you enter their social sphere and demonstrate that you're a BETTER tennis player, it's likely that they'll try to counteract your "superiority" by making the other people in the group dislike you, or at least believe some negative things about you... and this goes x10 if they saw themselves as the BEST tennis player and/or see themselves as being JUST a great tennis player rather than as someone with lots of terrific qualities one of which is being great at tennis. It doesn't matter if you've been nothing but nice to them and have no shred of competitiveness with them; your mere existence threatens the very core of their being, and few things will make a person react with more ferocity and ugliness.


14) Can't, or won't, show courtesy to those they dislike or disagree with.

While it's unrealistic to expect perfect politeness in the midst of a heated argument, in general we expect anyone older than about 12 or so to be able to interact with people they dislike, or have disagreed with about even serious issues, in a civil manner; the smooth functioning of both the business and social worlds depends on it. Anyone who fails to do this, especially if they find it necessary to make nasty comments to or about the other person rather than staying aloof and maintaining snippy silence, is either woefully immature, thoroughly messed up, or just an evil, vindictive person... a bad bet any way you look at it.


15) Can't keep track of the order of events between them and people they dislike... or PRETENDS they can't.

This normally takes the form of them attacking someone and then later on claiming that the other person started it; when faced with the actual sequence of events, they'll flat-out deny that it happened that way, or deny that their initial attack was really an attack (no matter how abusive, foul-mouthed or otherwise blatant it was), or claim that some innocent thing the other person did or said earlier was in fact the first attack. Another common form is when they take a dislike to someone based on nothing valid, consistently treat that person badly rather than behaving like an adult, and then, when the victim eventually does something back, claim that THAT event is what caused them to dislike that person in the first place. Regardless of which version of this is used, the reasons behind it are the same; they're either genuinely convinced that things happened the way they're telling them, in which case they're seriously sick, or they're faking it as a manipulation of the victim and observers, in which case they're a sociopath who's putting a great deal of effort into their evildoings... this is a particularly scary one whichever the reason is.


16) Accuses people they dislike or have recently "fought" with of having done ridiculous things to them in retribution, although there's no evidence whatsoever that those people did those things or are even capable of that sort of childish behavior.

Granted, there are plenty of spiteful, vindictive people in the world, and it's perfectly reasonable to assume that they're acting according to their natures; what I'm talking about is when someone's sure that a NORMAL, mature adult is acting that way without proof. For example; 2 co-workers have an argument, and when one of them goes out to their car a little later on they notice that one of the tires is looking low... and storm back into the office and accuse their erstwhile combatant of letting the air out of it. They instantly blame that person rather than overdue vehicular maintenance because of that most enlightening of psychological phenomena, "projection"; in other words, they're so vengeful and adolescent that THEY would act that way, so they "project" that onto other people and assume they'll act that way too... and you need to REMEMBER that they would act that way, because they WILL sooner or later (probably sooner).


17) Is melodramatic about the negative aspects of their life.

This a sure sign of their using, exaggerating, and even inventing bad things that happen to them in order to get attention; only people too messed up to grasp that friendship does NOT come from pity, or to even try for friendship because they think pity is the best they can hope for, do this.


18) Makes an issue of (supposedly) being nice, sensitive or honest.

People who truly possess those qualities never feel the need to point out that they possess them, much less to KEEP pointing it out; it's like being a lady, or powerful... if you have to TELL people you are, then you AREN'T. Anyone using this tactic is either a manipulator making sure you notice when they're being nice (etc), or a depressive trying to make a case for how great they are to persuade people to like them.


19) Complains constantly.

We all have unfortunate things to deal with, and we all gripe about them; however, there's a culturally understood # and total length of complaints that we're allowed to utter within any given time frame, beyond which people will get ticked off if our mouths are still running. Normally, although we don't consciously know where that cutoff point is, we instinctively stop grousing before we reach it; those who are either unaware of that cutoff point, or don't think it needs to apply to THEM, are selfish, love being negative, or are just too socially clueless to realize what they're doing.


20) Is a “clinging vine."

People who don't know what to do, say or even THINK until someone tells them, guides then step by step, and encourages them all the way, can seem great (at first) to folks who want to feel needed, and can make you feel so sorry for them that you try to "rescue" or "fix" them; the reality is that they don't need your help, it's just a game they play to get an endless flow of attention... and when the inevitable day comes that you fail to give them 110%, they'll turn on you like rabid dogs.


Reading over what I've written, it looks like maturity is a big issue with this batch; yet another reason why we should take this unpopular virtue into consideration when we decide who to allow into our lives. Anyways, I hope these "bewares" will help you dodge a few bullets; I'll post the next bunch in a few weeks.


Sunday, July 02, 2006

Why do liars keep lying? 


Why? Because lying is one of the most successful strategies for manipulating people. Why? Because it's a rare person who doesn't swallow whole virtually anything they're told. Why? Because even though we've all been lied to a thousand times, one of the glaring flaws of human nature is that we never learn anything from it, never learn to question the veracity of things people tell us.

If you're thinking, "Oh no, *I* don't believe everything I'm told," ask yourself this; when was the last time someone who you do NOT already have pegged as a habitual liar told you something that did NOT contradict information you already had and you reacted by doubting the story? If you're like the overwhelming majority of people, unless one of those exceptions applies you just take information in without asking for proof, or wondering if any exists, or even consciously thinking that without proof you shouldn't accept what you've been told as being factual; is it any wonder that the evildoers of the world consistently have lies as part of their modi operandi when they can use them to play people like organs, making them believe nearly anything with almost no effort?

The anonymity of the online world magnifies the worst aspects of human behavior, and lying is no exception; the internet is powerfully attractive to liars, because it allows them to reach a far greater audience, and also to take advantage of another unfortunate lapse in most people's judgment, the tendency to automatically believe anything they see in print. As a result, there's an astounding amount of disinformation in cyberspace; much of it's related to politics, news and celebrities, but some of it's just sick, pitiful people who get a thrill out of convincing folks that they're call girls or battered women or anything that'll get them the sort of attention they can't get in real life or with their real personas.

There's more to it than that, though, and I've been struggling for some time now to understand it; I've seen people lie successfully when to me it seemed like they were being far too blatant or ridiculous for listeners to react with anything but scorn and disbelief, and I've been at a loss as to how that could be. I saw a couple of bits of the explanation:


1) Have you ever heard the phrase "If you throw enough sh*t at a wall, some of it will stick"? If someone spews alot of BS, whether about 1 topic or many, *I* wouldn't believe ANYTHING they said, but it seems that most of the rest of humanity finds it necessary to believe some % of what a person says no matter how ridiculous or mean-spirited; perhaps it's related to the concept of "where there's smoke there's fire," and people can't believe on some level that the liar could be telling so MANY lies, that some of them MUST be true? Whatever it is, clearly the liars themselves understand it perfectly, and know instinctively to use it in cases where they don't have anything credible to say about a topic but still want to influence people's opinions.

2) People are frequently sure that a given thing is the total truth, often in complete contrast to reality, but apparently have a much harder time believing that something is a total LIE, no matter how outrageous it is; this explains why some liars tell monstrous lies instead of more modest, believable ones, because they intuitively grasp that they're planting a seed of doubt that will never fully die and might well eventually grow... but how do they know when a huge lie that creates doubt will be better for their purposes than a believable lie, or than a whole barrage of lies for that matter? How do they KNOW? Is it instinct? A skill developed over years of lying? Or is there some sort of analysis that one can do to judge this, that even an honest person could do if they knew the formula?


These 2 things led to me thinking about the Big Lie theory; as you probably learned in high school, this is basically the idea that if you say something over and over, with enough authority, people will eventually believe it... you can see how it ties in. I had an urge to look it up, and in doing so found an eye-opening quote:

"All this was inspired by the principle - which is quite true in itself - that in the big lie there is always a certain force of credibility; because the broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. Even though the facts which prove this to be so may be brought clearly to their minds, they will still doubt and waver and will continue to think that there may be some other explanation. For the grossly impudent lie always leaves traces behind it, even after it has been nailed down, a fact which is known to all expert liars in this world and to all who conspire together in the art of lying. These people know only too well how to use falsehood for the basest purposes."

The person who said this is someone whose name you'll definitely recognize; can you guess who? Who's responsible for that insightful description of the psychology of lies, liars and their victims?

Everything in the quote has the ring of truth to me, and I was excited to make that leap forward in my understanding of this favored tool of evil people; dishonesty is so utterly foreign to me that I might not have ever figured it out on my own.

What can you do to protect yourself from being sucked in by these clever manipulations? The same things I always say:


1) Don't believe ANYTHING anyone you don't know and trust tells you without proof. You don't have to declare to yourself "I bet they're lying!!" every time someone says they had corn flakes for breakfast, but when they purport to be discussing more important topics, or, and this is the big one, giving you "inside info" about other people, get into the habit of appending "no proof, don't believe it" to your internal discourse on what they've said.

2) Be tough-minded about what you accept as proof; in particular, keep in mind that online it's virtually impossible to prove anything about anyone, so when people try to make grandiose claims about themselves, or ugly claims about others, every alarm in your head should go off. Don't think that a GROUP of people whose virtue you can't vouch for is more honest collectively than its members are separately, either; evil types never have any difficulty finding a bunch of their fellows to back them up in their troublemaking, for the sheer psychotic joy of doing wrong. REAL proof comes from your personal observations, from reliable factual records, and the testimony of people you're SURE you can trust... and that's IT.

3) Cultivate a conscious awareness of when tactics like the ones described above are being used on you, and FIGHT them; don't waver no matter how many unproven stories you're barraged with, don't let even the wildest tales make you suspect there might be some truth to them, and any time you find proof that something you previously believed was incorrect, accept that and resist backsliding.


Does that sound like alot of work? It is... and because not being fooled by liars doesn't feel particularly rewarding, most people won't even TRY... and THAT'S why liars are so overwhelmingly successful, and why they keep doing it.

Did you think I'd forgotten that I hadn't told you who that quote was from? Not a chance; I just didn't want to tell you before you had time to ponder it. The person whose dazzling comprehension of human nature was demonstrated earlier is... Adolf Hitler (it's from "Mein Kampf"). Surprised? You shouldn't be; no one without an extraordinary understanding of psychology, and the ability to use it skillfully of course, could possibly have accomplished what he did. Since evil types always seem to have an instinctive grasp of how to pull people's strings, it makes sense that someone who was EVIL would have that much better of a grasp; it's unfortunate that the rest of us are little better than children in OUR grasp of what's going on, but we can learn... if we CHOOSE to.

I found the Hitler quote here

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_lie

It turns out that the earliest version of the Big Lie theory actually had something to do with big lies; imagine that. I'm contemplating reading "Mein Kampf" now; although I know much of it will be ugly nonsense, it'd be worth wading through it if there are a few more epiphanies like that one waiting in it. When (IF, sigh) I get caught up with my other reading, I'll give it a shot.

Is there anyone besides me who's freaked out that one of history's worst evildoers has a better grasp of how the human mind works than the so-called experts?





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